Search results

I can’t easily describe my frightening monsters but to say that, they’ve always been bypedal with very long arms. Some have closely resembled skeletons with a thin white body or they’ll resemble a very hairy, dark blurry humanoid figure. I had described my disturbing visualization of a dark...

I’d briefly mentioned my unexplainable experiences to all of my past T. I also mentioned this to my PCP. Yet in hind-sight, I think I only confused them into thinking either, I was suffering from delusions, hallucinations or unconsciously fabricating these experiences. I only mentioned them...

I’ve never been in art therapy but have often made drawings since childhood. Not until the late 1980s, had I made drawings of the things that disturb me and basically because I couldn’t understand what they were. I still don’t know but, drawing them did seem to help me while, enabling me to at...

I should clarify that, when I was age 4, my father hadn’t hidden his intentional penis erection exposure from me at all. I think he actually wanted to see my emotional, fearful reaction. However, he did seem to be trying to hide this CSA from his wife though she apparently knew. She even tried...

I did once have a T who understood my CSA trauma. I saw him once a month for about 12 years until his sudden tragic death. I was still in supportive therapy with him at that time. I badly grieved over his death. @katz Perhaps you could send your past T a card with a note of appreciation. My...

@katz I can’t imagine the depth of your painful memories and suffering from your horrific physical sexual attacks, including the others here suffering with past physical sexual abuse. None of my past sexual abuse had never been physical. My CSA had never involved any touching nor forcefulness...

My acceptance of CSA meant that, I had to accept my painful feelings of emotional rejection as well, as the shame inflicted upon me by my father. His behavior of CSA will never be acceptable to me — note the different. Unfortunately, my father hadn’t the emotional maturity necessary to...

When I’d agree to physical intimacy with my partner I would still become numb and dissociate. It was rather this involuntary dissociation that made me feel as though, I were split in two. My intellect knew what was happening and yet, I couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t fearing my physical body...

Because my CSA was ‘non contact sexual abuse’ I have no memories of sounds, smells, physical touch nor sexual arousal related to my CSA. I do however have visual memories of my father’s frightening and intentional penis exposure when I was age 4 and yet, seeing a naked penis in itself doesn’t...

I think the most deeply hurtful part of my CSA abuse was that, my father had emotionally abandoned me. As a child I had no one else to turn to. Then too, my mother was abusive in that she knew my dire situation yet, made no attempt to help me. For me, all of my abuse was psychological where...

I continued to live with my father after becoming aware of his ongoing sexual abuse and yes, it's a very uncomfortable and disturbing experience, for sure! Often, I'd wished I could have screamed at him I felt so angry! His behavior felt so degrading and disrespectful! Yet, my T was well aware...

Though the first three years of our life might not be remembered, these years have a huge influence upon our developing brain. If I'm correct, this can result in developmental brain damage. It's also not only the traumatic events that the infant suffers but also, what was lacking and not...

Though seemingly unrelated to my CSA, I was once plagued with repeated frightening flashbacks with accompanied cold chills running down my spine, about 30 years ago. I was then experiencing the same frightening flashback, over and over again and several times per day. These flashbacks were...

When I first entered therapy at age 20, my first T would repeatedly trigger me in regards to my yet unrecognized CSA, my penis phobia and extreme fear of sexual intimacy. This he seemed to just know while, I didn’t have to tell him about my CSA. Actually I wasn’t even consciously unaware of it...

The hospital medical staff will usually monitor the patient’s heart rate, blood pressure, breathing and watch for any signs of anxiety and panic. So I’d suspect, they’ll be well aware of your mental state while monitoring you. I think I was given a mild anxiety drug during my initial hospital...

Shyhi -- I had suffered from CSA by my father until I was about age 35 and was totally clueless until suddenly becoming consciously aware of it during one therapy session at age 24. Actually I felt greatly relieved after becoming aware, yet, also disgusted and angry with my parents, as I...

I've had two colonoscopy a couple of years ago. Doctor removed 17 polyps! Because one contained a very tiny spot of cancer, I'm now scheduled for another colooscopy next year. No problem at all -- but very glad I hadn't waited any longer. As for drinking the liquid, (I hate it too) and so...

I’ve been drawing human figures and mostly faces for the past 20 years. A few have been drawn from life, none from photos and most were drawn from my imagination. Yet I don’t think of them as being different parts of myself. I don’t think I have parts. Actually, I’ve been told that many of...

Thank you, Teasel, for bring up this dissusion. This is interesting, as it’s likely related my underlying TBI during infancy. I hadn’t realized the importance of ‘attunement’ during early brain development. My Pertussis at 6 weeks and TBI most likely disrupted this attunement, according to my...

@TruthSeeker Yes, exactly. You are describing your perceived ‘feeling’ during your dissociative state. And a perceived 'feeling' of motor/ balance dysfunction is different from that of an actual motor and balance disfunction caused by a physical TBI. For example -- during a dissociation a...

In regards to motor dysfunctions specifically and their link to PTSD and TBI— I’ve been living with both for most of my life. Since late 2017, when walking, I’ve always felt as if, I’m pulling my feet out of thick slippery mud with every step. I experience a very brief hesitation in my gait. To...

@Renaissance I have no education in brain science at all, yet, I doubt that PTSD has yet been identified as being a degenerative brain disease. I’d certainly agree that there are often overlapping symptoms yet, any physical damage resulting directly from PTSD, would likely be reported as...

Here are a few ideas and some coping methods, I have used to combat my own loneliness. I’ll try to stay on track this time, @LittleBigFoot I’d also browsed home improvement centers and large 24/7 grocery stores late at night when feeling lonely. Attending movie theaters and eating out alone...

Sorry that I’d gone off on the deep-end in response to your post @LittleBigFoot. I didn’t mean to include my entire life. lol I have tried to categorize the various aspects of my life before. But because every experience is connected to every other, via cause and effect — I find this...

I’d just like to add one more situation that has contributed to my isolation in life.. During infancy I was suffering from Pertussis (Whooping Cough) at 6 weeks of age. Because my airways were at times blocked with congestion, I was deprived of oxygen. Most likely, this had causes my early...