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  1. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    O, and I did get accepted into the partial hospitalization program (php) ETA: I start next week
  2. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Thank you I do want to add that I really feel if it weren't for my father and her father that she wouldn't have had those struggles at all. I am not a very touchy person but I really wish I had hugged her more
  3. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    The government is trying to take my sister's food stamps away because of "fraud," fraud being that she gave me and my brother inheritance money in cash. Just give her and her tiny son the damn food points
  4. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Got a lot of chores finished 👍 Including finally doing the dishes for the first time since my mother's passing
  5. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Or, I guess, why does it feel that way to me.
  6. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Why did everyone want me to be mad at her and why is my brother acting like she was the literal devil?
  7. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    She did her f*cking best. Why did no one ever just agree with me on that?
  8. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Years of getting better and experiencing grief as angry towards my mother and for what. for me to just lose her like this. there's no one to be angry at now. I guess a ghost, but what I MEAN is that i hate myself for having ever had that anger. I miss her so much and I am not doing well
  9. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Even suicide is evil Twin brother also wants to cut me off on the suspicion that i MIGHT be trans so it feels extra shitty that someone isn't acknowledging that and he's somehow in the right. Owner of this site might agree based on previous evidence. I am just worthless
  10. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    I feel so worthless, stupid, and cruel. I miss my mother and I wish I had talked with her more and enjoyed her presence more. After the next voucher/section 8 extension, I am probably going to either stay at a mental hospital or try to do some sort of partial hospitalization where i can go...
  11. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Still feels like I can call her and she'll just pick up
  12. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    I wanted the end of her life to be perfect. Her death was lovely, for a death, but. I wanted to fix her whole life for her and let her just enjoy it
  13. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    I really wish I had deep cleaned the bathroom while my mom was still alive. She would have loved the comfort of it. I keep feeling so disappointed that I didn't do more for her
  14. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Trying to think of some positives -- I deep cleaned the bathroom, and that feels nice. I'm worried I might inherit this house but that's so.... idk, probably not important right now to be honest I'm just pretty worried and anxious overall, and OCD is a bitch My family, besides my twin...
  15. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    It really do just be one thing after another. My mom's birthday was yesterday, and I relaxed and tried to be chill for that. It worked, it was peaceful Problem is now it's the day after and I'm miss her so so much So does the sibling who got raped by the way. They really wanted to be able...
  16. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Thank you He wants to hate my mom so badly for such stupid reasons Also, one of my siblings got locked out of their hotel room and then went to the hotel receptionist to get back into their room, but then he drugged and raped them (all while their under-10yo child was in the hotel room, though...
  17. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Probably a good idea, yes I am gutted with guilt and sadness and knowing I didn't do enough Worse, my twin brother went off the deep end and I will have to cut him off. And I am not happy about this development
  18. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Rip my grandma, she would've cringed at that grammar lol
  19. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️
  20. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    I ate raisin bran today. Can't bring myself to do the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for a month nor clear off space in the kitchen, and even if I did it's not like I have money for normal things nor do I want to cook anything. It's useless cooking for one
  21. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    Why do people tell me not to kill myself? Does it make THEM sad? I guess I'm around to prevent my siblings and nephew from being traumatized, at this point. And prevent my dad from using it for pity points. And of course so the cats and doggo and bird don't have to have a bunch of big changes...
  22. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    i've been putting off going to the hospital for over a year and now it feels pretty useless to even try, to be honest. im just here. every day feels like such a long time.
  23. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    yes :) still very depressed overall but at least her ex is leaving us alone again for a while
  24. littleoc

    Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

    He chickened out 👍 Did not show :)
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