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So I been in s chorale ensemble class for over a month , and we were supposed to play at showcase . But due to lack of rehearsal time , poor planning , and poor communication , we had to withdraw . I am very heart broken because I worked very hard .

Today , I was able to honestly say to myself for the first time ever that I am proud of myself for the progress I have made in my counselling sessions and in my guitar studies .

So I met with my counsellor recently and we talked about one of my siblings . I told him how he would get so hard on me because I couldidnt live up to his standards . This is a very common trait in the dysfunctional family I was raised in . My biological mother would be hard on me , my late...

I was doing my guitar studies this morning at a new practice space that I am thrilled to have . I can practice there from 9 am to 3 pm . One of exercises is to clap back note values and sing notes of a key as part of my ear training . While I was doing my ear training , I started crying and...

Hi everyone . It's been a very long time since my last post . So it was my birthday recently and I had the privilege to play some classical guitar pieces . A chosen sister of mine recently complimented me on how well I have done and that I should be proud of the work I have put in ...

So I was just thinking about gifts . Over the years, most of the gifts I received from dysfunctional siblings , I either got rid of them or sell them not long after the holidays or my birthday . Over the past year few years , I started asking myself why did I do those things . I think one...

Hello it has been a while since I posted here . So I like to talk about my learning disability . I have two learning disabilities . One is based on communication . I have trouble from time to time being able to use the words I want and how it makes sense in a conservation . I can speak okay ...

Hello. I wanted to share something that I been experiencing slowly the last 2 months. I play guitar every morning from 10 am to noon in a peaceful , safe , nurturing environment . When I come home however , I am unable to say the same . Thankfully with the nice weather we been having , I been...

Hi . So for the last year almost , I have been telling many including my therapist that I need to be constantly productive . I didn't really say why except that I didn't like downtime . I am sure I am associating downtime as a bad thing for me because I associate downtime as one of the...

Hi everyone . I am going through a lot of good stuff and bad stuff and there are a lot of changes . First off , My girlfriend and I ended our relationship after lasting 4 years . This year we started to see each other on different paths , and because oour views on each other changed . We...

So Friday I received an email from an old sibling who wanted me to reach out to biological mother because she told him that she misses me . Just the fact that he emailed me brought about so much pain for all the verbal abuse he caused just because I made some mistakes and lied to him repeatedly...

So the reason for my absence is due to finding a new community home , and the great news is that I have found one and I am moving in two days . I am so thrilled with moving into a boarding home because I will be certainly be cared for there . My meals and cleaning will be provided by staff . I...

So just a few hours ago , I was practicing a piece for my guitar and when I decided to use the metronome I had trouble playing rhythm . In the end I hit my tolerance level and stopped playing . Not long after, I went to the convenience store and bought few junk food treats. Whenever I eat...

So as some of you are aware . Most of my trauma that led to my diagnosis of c-PTSD was in my house during my childhood. Most of the time when I am in a good environment , I am not having any major flashbacks, negative thought patterns ,and am a generally decent mood. I am also able to be quite...

I been getting a sense today that the new year will be bringing more healing and relief, but at the same time, next year I believe will be the time to discuss with my counsellor about the sexual abuse . I believe however , that I will have the right supports to be able to reach out ; I really...

So for the last monh or so , I been getting suicidal thoughts . I still have the desire to do it , but I can't carry it out . I want to do it primary because then my suffering of these last 30+ years will come to an end . I could no longer have to cling on the hope of looking forward to...

So good news is always worth telling and so I have some good updates . First my music studies are coming along fine ; almost finished my 2nd grade classical guitar Royal conservatiry year . On top of that , I am finishing a small ensemble music course at the workman arts . Their is also a...

So it has been almost 2 years since I spoke to most of my siblings save one sister that we are still in contact because we are born again believers of Jesus . Aside from that , I did get one email earlier this year from my Brother Steve who basically tried to make me feel extremely guilty for...

Hi. So recently my girlfriend and I did a survey that her counsellor suggested. It was called the 5 love languages . So I learned that physical touching, quality time , and words of affirmation were my top 3. So I been thinking about these three needs and why I am so desperate and dire to...

I haven't posted in a while now . I am doing okay . Just that I needed to take time away and process a lot of negative emotions . Recently I got an email from a sibling which really bothered me and triggered a lot of unpleasant memories . I am also dealing with a lot of anger and confusion...

So this afternoon I was trying to get some guitar practice in and after 10 minutes I walked away . During my practice I felt that my mind was racing and also elsewhere making it difficult to focus . Have any of you experienced this ? I wanted to continue but I couldidn't focus . I also wonder...

So since my counselling session , it has been good that I am spending less time on activities that contributed to my trauma . I also started noticing this morning that I still need to grieve . Need to grieve the profound losses I have experienced the last 30 years . I don't know what that...

So at my last counselling session , my therapist and I went to two traumatic events in my past and the results were encouraging . The first one was about my brother being ganged up and had I was powerless to do anything about it because the guys that were beating him up were far bigger than me...

So as some of you are aware , I am an aspiring classical music composer , and that I am apart of non profit multi interdisciplinary arts organization . I would like to express myself primarily through classical music composition . What I mean by expression is , what I go through on daily...

Hi . I was wondering if any of you view PTSD as a never ending cycle of events that triggers you to attempt to change your life by trying to change your daily schedule . For the last 2 years , I been going through a cycle of cancelling my internet , filling my daily schedule to avoid being at...