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@Chava You are spot on. It is less about suicide and more about these rescue fantasies. I would say the suicide part is just the most dangerous form of rescue fantasy, and the fact that I have this urge is really scaring me. Whenever I have those urges, I usually suppress it. Or I reach out to...

Thank you for your encouragement and the faith you have in me @scout86 :) I just need to start having faith in myself.

@Junebug You shouldn't feel ashamed to admit it. Suicidal ideation is a normal reaction to adverse life events that we feel we cannot manage or deal with. And it is vital that you speak to someone you trust about it. I completely understand you feeling like it would cause others grief if you...

@scout86 Yes indeed. It takes years apparently. I know ultimately it will be worth it, I'm just worried about whether I'm capable of doing it.

@shimmerz what a wonderful observation! I am so sorry you had to go through that with your parents. I think the main driving force behind our programming is the parent-child dynamic. And unfortunately, when that goes awry - so does our programming; amongst other things. My parents would...

Beautifully said! Although I would rather not think of the ocean at present :D

Haha I guess that inner child in me, who still wishes to throw tantrums if it isn't :sneaky:

Yes well said. I suppose this is my journey in terms of changing the way I look at it. Because at present, it seems grossly unfair to me that my abusers are living perfect lives and enjoying themselves with no regard for how they have destroyed my life and affected me to This extent. But as your...

Thank you for your lovely response :) I am so glad that you have also joined and it is a source of encouragement for you. I think me being here is testament to the fact that I DO actually want to survive. And I suppose if it gives me a few more days - then why not :) I just hope it gets...

I completely understand that feeling. It is so overpowering at times. And it doesn't help that none of those needs can be fulfilled... in the now atleast. But I suppose it doesn't mean that it won't come :) I agree, it is definitely part of being connected - not just to others but to our very...

We get along pretty well. She's so good at what she does. At the same time - There's a bit of an irritated vibe that I get from her (counter-transference). Not that I blame her, I am a difficult client in general ;) But I suppose it exists because I haven't been completely honest with her and...

Thanks so much for your insightful and lovely response. Yes, I do share a close relationship with my T; it's just that I haven't been able to be completely honest with her. And I am worried that if I mention all of these things - she will see it as just another way of me being 'rescued', or she...

You're right. I am seeing my T on Monday, and maybe I can try and write something out about this - If I can muster up the courage to do so. Yeah I suppose in America - that's what used to happen if you admit thoughts of suicide I think? Here in South Africa, there's more freedom to do so and...

Thank you for your response. Yes - I am seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist - but I am simply too ashamed to mention any of this to them; hence me talking about it here under an anonymous persona. It scares me - to tell someone this, in person, as my very own self. I agree that they are...

I have seen similar threads here; and it made me realise that I am not alone in this. I have never told this to anyone before; but now that I see that there are others like me; I don't feel as odd. I especially need to bring it up because it is getting *very* serious. I have always had a very...