Suicidal Ideation And Rescue Fantasy

[scout86]

Those things never truly go away.

Stuff doesn't ever really go away, but you can change how you look at it. It's always going to be a part of who you are, but "who you are" can be someone who overcomes all that. All of this takes time and the parts of it fall in to place when they do. After all, you didn't get to where you are over night either.

There are times when every damn cell in my body wants to feel a heartbeat under my finger tips,

@FridayJones surely you are a poet if ever there was one!

 

[hauntedmosaic]

@hauntedmosaic - I too just joined this forum and have already been helped, big time....

Thank you for your lovely response :) I am so glad that you have also joined and it is a source of encouragement for you. I think me being here is testament to the fact that I DO actually want to survive. And I suppose if it gives me a few more days - then why not :) I just hope it gets translated to a few more weeks/months.

I agree - the posts here put things into perspective for me. And in a weird way - it's comforting to know we're not alone and have the opportunity to connect on this platform. Little blessings? :)

 

[hauntedmosaic]

Stuff doesn't ever really go away, but you can change how you look at it. It's always going to be a part...

Yes well said. I suppose this is my journey in terms of changing the way I look at it. Because at present, it seems grossly unfair to me that my abusers are living perfect lives and enjoying themselves with no regard for how they have destroyed my life and affected me to This extent. But as your reply alluded - I shouldn't let it get to me in that way. I suppose there is an ounce of anger there, so I am feeling something afterall :)

 

[kona355]

Thank you for your lovely response :) I am so glad that you have also joined and it is a source of...

Yes, little blessings. Little drops fill the ocean.

 

[scout86]

Because at present, it seems grossly unfair

Oh, it IS! But who ever said life was going to be "fair"? :D

 

[Deleted member 28740]

I had no intention of ever writing, just to read the threads and glean whatever hope I can. But reading your post this morning moved me to write you. The replies of scout86 and Fridayjones are spot on for what my own experiences have been with suicidal depression and the never-ending coping skills I need to survive.

Just what I needed.

 

[hauntedmosaic]

Oh, it IS! But who ever said life was going to be "fair"? :D

Haha I guess that inner child in me, who still wishes to throw tantrums if it isn't :sneaky:

 

[hauntedmosaic]

Yes, little blessings. Little drops fill the ocean.

Beautifully said! Although I would rather not think of the ocean at present :D

 

[shimmerz]

@hauntedmosaic , so much of what we have learned is a 'program'. We are not conceived with a notion of having to be rescued. Our bodies are built to survive. And then life gets in the way... (this is just my opinion). And programs are set in by others expectations of us long before we are able to distinguish for ourselves, whether these programs are in our best interests or not.

My birth parents expectations of me were quite simple. Die. Get lost. Don't bother us anymore. So that is exactly what I did. I went catatonic for them, over and over and over again. A great coping mechanism for back then, but not so much as one might think for a 50+ year old in this society. So I have this paradoxical belief system that in order to live, I must die. And perhaps yours is, in order to feel loved you must die (or damn close to it).

I think a big step in reprogramming (or replacing it with something a little more conducive to living life without these programs), is to recognize that they ARE just programs. And they can be replaced.

The next question would be (after the recognition stage), replaced with what? How else can you feel loved? Or must you be dying in order to get what you deem to be 'that loving feeling' in being rescued? Again, just an observation....

 

[scout86]

How else can you feel loved?

This!

 

[hauntedmosaic]

@hauntedmosaic , so much of what we have learned is a 'program'. We are not conceiv...

@shimmerz what a wonderful observation! I am so sorry you had to go through that with your parents. I think the main driving force behind our programming is the parent-child dynamic. And unfortunately, when that goes awry - so does our programming; amongst other things.

My parents would constantly compare me to my late siblings (they both passed away the day before I was born). It was a horrific time for my parents and I feel that is why my mom probably didn't see to my emotional needs and 'love' me the way I wanted to be loved. She never hugged me at all, growing up. Maybe she subconsciously didn't want to get close to me on that level - because she was afraid she would lose me too. The irony being... The reason I want to die now is because of a lack of that love. It lead me to seek out other maternal figures to make up for that love.

Honestly, at this moment, all I can think of is dying to get that kind of love I lack. And the reality of the situation is - nobody is going to mother me at this age (I'm almost 25). My T did say I have to fill that void myself. I have to 'rescue' myself and be my own mother to that inner child. I just don't know how, hence this situation.

 

[scout86]

I just don't know how,

That's one of the things you'll learn in therapy, if you give it time.