Suicidal Ideation And Rescue Fantasy

[hauntedmosaic]

That's one of the things you'll learn in therapy, if you give it time.

@scout86 Yes indeed. It takes years apparently. I know ultimately it will be worth it, I'm just worried about whether I'm capable of doing it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye, such a difficult topic. :( I find myself the opposite, so ashamed to think of saying about SI, & feeling so repulsive to myself & naturally to others (it's gross). I also feel very guilty (not sure if that's the word?) that if I 'really' was going to do it, I wouldn't/ 'shouldn't' say, anything, right? Therefore I'm causing grief by saying anything. Yet if the point is to not do it, it's 'healthy' (again, is that the word?) to try to address & get rid of it.

I do think mine is a combo of current stress, lack of coping abilities, too much flooding, tiredness from the past, lack of fear of it, & of course feeling (feeling 'being') unlovable. Being a burden I'm trying to challenge, or think at least that I'm (everyone) is supposed to be here.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[hauntedmosaic]

Oye, such a difficult topic. :( I find myself the opposite, so ashamed to think of saying about SI, & fee...

@Junebug You shouldn't feel ashamed to admit it. Suicidal ideation is a normal reaction to adverse life events that we feel we cannot manage or deal with. And it is vital that you speak to someone you trust about it.

I completely understand you feeling like it would cause others grief if you told them about it - but they will probably be relieved that you have spoken to them and conveyed that you are in distress, so that they can help you cope and deal with this effectively. So please do speak to someone you trust and get help (a therapist probably). It is not healthy to keep it bottled. I am glad that you have this forum to help you; but I think what you need is to build a firm support structure (family and friends you trust and are comfortable with) and work through it in that way. You don't have to do this alone and I am sure many people in your life do care and would want to help - if they just knew what is going on.

On the flip side, you will always have us :)

 

[scout86]

You're as capable as any of us. There are days when it seems otherwise, but you're plenty capable.

 

[Chava]

I haven't read all replies, but if I'm hearing you right, it's not so much about suicide but rescue fantasy. That's pretty common with past trauma. I relate to it some...noticed it more in the past when I was hoping someone would notice my self-destruction through starvation and care enough to ask or call me out on it. For me, the fantasies also involve maternal figures and specific people...pretty specific rescue fantasies around some of my past stuff.

Sounds like you recognize and understand this pretty well and that's a good starting point. In those times, are you able to notice what you need and provide it for yourself? Like safety, comfort, warmth, etc. Does your therapist help fill any of this void? It the main feeling that you want someone to care for you? In the rescue fantasy it is like I'm being to that me, and my life, are worth it.

 

[hauntedmosaic]

You're as capable as any of us. There are days when it seems otherwise, but you're plenty capable.[/QUOT...

Thank you for your encouragement and the faith you have in me @scout86 :) I just need to start having faith in myself.

 

[hauntedmosaic]

I haven't read all replies, but if I'm hearing you right, it's not so much about suicide but rescue fantas...

@Chava You are spot on. It is less about suicide and more about these rescue fantasies. I would say the suicide part is just the most dangerous form of rescue fantasy, and the fact that I have this urge is really scaring me.

Whenever I have those urges, I usually suppress it. Or I reach out to the people I view as maternal figures either by emailing them and communicating my distress (in terms of my current depression) or just going and seeing them to do the same. It's like this *need* to be taken care of.

With regards to my T, I wouldn't say she fills that void as I don't exactly view her as a mother. I just see her as purely a therapist. I haven't told her any of this though. Have you ever confided in a T about this? And if so, what was the experience like?

I thought I was the only one! I am glad I am not alone in this :)

 

[scout86]

Whenever I have those urges, I usually suppress it

One advantage of discussing this with your T is that the 2 of you can come up with a plan for how to deal with this when it comes up. Suppressing things is hard and usually doesn't work for long. Some kind of plan might help you feel safer.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking @hauntedmosaic , could it have something to do with giving yourself permission to stop, or have needs? It's not the same for me, no rescue fantasies, but it still probably contributes. I am trying for small but to get it off the table.

:hug: for you.