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Some of the characteristics described here fit, like low self-esteem and feeling like I have be useful to be loved. (Although those traits could be explained through autism as well...) But other characteristics don't resonate at all, like "having an obsessive need to be close to other people" or...

Okay... How are those smaller things "needs"? Having a conversation (even a short one) with someone else (stranger or not) doesn't feel like connection to me. It feels like work. It's something I'm doing for the other person's benefit, not mine. I don't really have friends. There's one lady I...

Gotta think about that. It's like trying to log your dreams...the more you try to remember what you dreamed, the less clear the whole thing becomes, almost to the point of doubting any of it happened at all. Still thinking, though...because I realize that, in addition to the autism issues, I...

I've racked my brain for years trying to figure that out. Every so often, like every several months, something someone says or does will slip in and feel "real." It's usually unexpected. It's faint. If I think over it too much trying to figure out what worked, I lose the sense of it altogether...

Oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it. Okay, I'm going to work with that...thank you. I agree that happiness or a consistently joyful state is not a reasonable goal. I do try to notice the things that I find pleasure in, to help balance out the things that hurt so badly. I also...

First, I'm not actively suicidal or self-harming or anything. But I had a bit of a revelation in therapy today, and it's kind of unexpected? I guess I'm wondering if this makes sense to anyone, or any thoughts on how to shift this. My T started EMDR with me a couple of months ago--I'm only...

No it was more than that. We were becoming friends. At the time, I was starting to see him as a sort of father figure (not that I felt that way with him, but pursuing activities and engagement patterns with that goal mind), which was appropriate in that church's culture, but I see now it was...

I get this is my own bias. On a subconscious level, I think I've suspected that all my life. And so I always make myself respond in a way that is socially acceptable. And that's okay for typical day to day interactions. I can fake it pretty well. The problem is that the EXPERIENCE of being...

No. I've been racking my brain for years trying to figure out what I need from another person in order to feel connected with them, in order to feel a sense of comfort from their response. I've not figured out anything. Yes, I understand this. And yet, if you know that person typically has a...

Yeah, I haven't found people like that. People will tolerate me for a little while, then they get tired of me and move on, and that hurts more than the relationship was worth. I'm tired of trying and mostly just isolate and use my social energy to maintain a more consistent mask with work or...

A few years ago, just after I figured out I'm autistic, I shared this information with an older guy at church who had kind of taken me under his wing and was teaching me how to play guitar. He basically said, "Well I feel connected to you, so it's not really a problem." Which totally invalidated...

Yes, this is what empathy feels like to me...emotional manipulation. Refraining from empathic expressions designed to conform to social rules is actually intended as a form of honoring the other person's autonomy at times when they're capable of handling their own emotions and problems. Of...

Wait, isn't empathy feeling the other person's feelings, temporarily? If I feel my own feelings already anyway, how can I add a layer of empathy to that?

When people offer you empathy...that is, they give you a healthy, empathetic response to something you're struggling with...how does that make you feel? What happens for you on the inside? My T and I recently uncovered a new insight into why I don't feel "connected" with people. (I'm autistic...

Most of the ASMR videos are painful to watch, and so I don't. Especially whispering, or light touches. Ew! However, I did find that watching someone else get a deep-pressure back massage is pleasant. Not enough for me to sit and watch a video of it, but enough that I didn't get creepy tingles...

Yes, they have to be dealt with. But is imagining this inner child person and having conversations with that figment of my imagination the only/best way of going about this? The more I think about it, the more I'm leaning towards "no". Surely there are other ways of processing emotions that I...

But that's not what actually happened. I can't replace real memories with imagined events. Even if I had been dx'd with autism early, and even if support had been offered through school, my family wasn't healthy enough to be supportive in all that. It actually feels sickening to think of...

Yes, this makes sense, actually. Not requiring a "warm, fuzzy feeling", but rather, offering myself concrete actions that resonate for me. I think I'm doing some of this already...self care, helpful self-discipline, self-protection in other areas, self-improvement efforts (like identifying areas...

I've done a little of this. Even as a kid, I spent a lot of time in my fantasy world where pretend people cared about me and protected me. But it was only a fantasy, and the nature of fantasizing itself seems weird and uncouth around people who had healthier, more supportive family experiences...

Yes, I agree with this. For a while, after first discovering my autism for what it is, I tried to slowly disengage the mask and become more "authentic" because honesty is important to me. But I realized so many of my intentions are then lost in translation, and so my efforts to be honest...

1) My T keeps bringing it up. 2) He seems to believe this is critical for my being able to communicate boundaries during physical intimacy. Me personally, I'd be fine with leaving this in the dust and never looking at it again (inner child work). I guess I'm afraid he doesn't have any other...

Yes, exactly. That past me represents everything I've tried so hard to overcome, outgrow, and move beyond. Why would I want to go back there? Like you said, it becomes a threat to everything I've got going now, because maintaining today's life requires today's functionality and skills...both of...

But that's not the way I was as a child. I didn't like playing (common autism trait), I didn't experience innocence (I was parentified and over-responsible from a very young age...partly abuse, partly autism (perfectionism), and partly being the oldest child), and I didn't experience joyful...

The past. That's what overcomes me. All those images and sensations and weakness and darkness and not understanding myself or my needs or my boundaries. When my T talks about "protecting" that child part of me, it seems like he's wanting me to protect all that awfulness of who I was and what I...

Yeah, I think I've mostly moved past the actively hating the child I used to be. When I think that I want to "destroy" it, it's more about wanting to leave that part behind and not let it be part of my life now or my sense of self. It's not hating so much as letting it go and being done with it...