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This is an odd post. I'm actually having a wonderful Christmas. I've passed the CPA exam at an advanced age. Money in the bank. First time in a decade I might have a job with benefits. Who's to complain? It's that last one that is troubling me. I have to have my secret clearance re-instated...

After 18 months of hard work, I've done what only half the new college grads accomplish--I passed the CPA exam. I'm decades out of college and 68 years old. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, wished me well and gave me the look of "It can't be done at your age. Why even try?". In case you don't...

@ladee thank you for the reply. I equate happiness, as a mental concept anyway, in the same frame you have put it. I can't seem to find it these days (i.e: the past 20+ years) and now wonder if I ever had it. It could be that I've just forgotten. I posted some time ago a post about leaving my...

@grit , about Kaplan and Stern. There are a lot of books by those names on Amazon. Have any titles I can search by? Do they co-author or write separately? First names? Thank you!

@grit , @somerandomguy, @EveHarrington Thank you for the feedback. As to religion, I've studied most of them. Chistianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Mormonism, Shamanism, blends of each (Course in Miracles). I went to the Amazon jungle and Andes Mountains in Peru in the 90s to study under 2 Shamen for...

I watched the movie Destination Wedding last night and Keanu Reeves plays a character who clearly suffers from cPTSD. At one point in the movie, he asked the woman he was traveling with, "Have you ever been in love?" She said one time. He asked her what it felt like. That struck a chord because...

I had an interesting evening. Everyone was gone and I ventured out of my office and enjoyed the rest of the house. I spent the evening in quiet. Built a fire in the fireplace and read a lot of the fantasy book I'm reading. I enjoy that genre most these days--worlds of possibilities instead of a...

I've been trying to find a day when I was happy after writing this post. I can't remember one. I can find days when I was content, days when I felt like a champion (better than) in some sort of competition, days when I felt peaceful--mostly in the forest alone or hiking with my dog as a...

Thank you, Grit. I've tried years of therapy. Doesn't do much in my circumstance. However, the Personal Awareness seminars I did in the 80s (known by name as EST, Landmark, Life Spring, etc.) had a deep and long lasting positive affect on me. The organization I used is called Insight Seminars in...

I'm 67 now and look back on my life. PTSD didn't have a name when I was being whipped with a tree branch at 2 years old in diapers. I still remember being swung in a circle as I tried to run from it and my father held my wrist while he kept hitting my bare legs. It didn't have a name when I was...

This is a long winded post, be warned. My best friend of 42 years died last week. He was a year older than me. It's bringing up all sorts of family issues as well as the deep grieving I'm having with his passing. If you find this helpful, then God Bless us both. Mac, my best friend/brother that...

Beatings: I can add a bit here for what it is worth. I was beaten with a switch when I was still in diapers. Have memories of running in circles screaming with my father hitting my legs with a tree switch and other times as well. Mom left him when I was two because he was beating her also. I was...

@grimalkin Thank you. 5 more weeks living in this hotel and I will have lived in a hotel for 11 of the past 14 months away from home. Lonely isn't quite the word for it, but then I go home. Iowa City is 1-1/2 hrs from my home. It's where I have my TM checkups. Cedar Rapids, 2hrs. Waverly, where...

Thank you @C mom. I wish I had answers I truly do. His isolating and the triggering are powerful indicators. It's difficult for me to come to terms with myself, to understand. And so I try to get away from the things that bring the feelings. Combat vets get a lot of the attention. It's deserved...

@C mom thank you. All our circumstances are different, but the result is the same. Technically, I've read that the "Fight or Flight" response gets stuck on overdrive in the blink of an eye from a trigger and we call it PTSD. It's hard to describe the feelings, but I do feel like Bruise Banner...

Thank you @shimmerz. I try not to go into painful diatribes here. It's not like a lot of other members don't have them too. Your support is most appreciated. Damn this disease, malady, condition...whatever it is.I would go to the ends of the earth to be rid if it, but it would follow me even there.

I had the mother of all relapses last night. Raging inside. Verbally abusive to family till I finally refused to talk. Kicking things around. Took 4 Klonapin, 1200mg valarium, melatonin, and more to knock myself out. It was useless. Wanted to walk it off, but afraid to late at night after taking...

Thank you @Tornadic Thoughts. I re-started TM a few months ago and that has helped a lot. I fully agree with your approach. I've tried many alternative techniques (pre-PTSD) for various reasons and all have validity. AMA, Pharma, and insurance controls much of our world and access to information...

Thank you @DharmaGirl. I'm still hanging in there. TM is helping a lot for me.

Thank you Chiqui!

Thank you, Eden.

Thanks all. I've tried most of the things I see in these responses whether I've done them before or not. I'm not 100% by any stretch, but one hell of a lot better. The best thing was the stay up late and work your way back to more hours. I fall off the wagon and end up with coffee without even...

I've struggled with this for 8 years and it is getting more debilitating now than ever. I've tried everything under the sun--meds, meditation, reading, exercise, therapy, herbs, teas, and more. Nothing works. I'm so sleep deprived it feels like a physical pain. I OD on caffeine to stay awake to...

Arizona is proudly one of the most punitive states in the U.S. They don't expunge anything. If you're arrested at 18 and never charged with a crime, you have a public record of that arrest until you die. They will "seal" records, such as an arrest and other felonies, but not felonies classed as...

I'm working temp for a Robert Half office. I'm getting ready to leave for my 4th engagement in a couple of days. 3 of the 4 engagements were mucked up though some sort of incompetence or other, but--at 66--it isn't easy to find work at all. The issue: My PTSD was caused by a car accident (no...