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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Hope4Now" data-source="post: 1190590" data-attributes="member: 24896">It has been a wild ride since my last entry. I'm delighted to be back in my house after all those months. After living in the tiny place, my house feels like a palace. It's all relative. Probably good to change things up sometimes to get a new view. I started on lithium. Ugh. Had discontinued seroquel after the 3 month trial because it was horrible--making me feel like I was swimming through mud in my life. Everything an enormous effort. I hated it. The psychiatrist seemed to think it was helping me, but I cannot in my wildest imagination understand what she saw to support that...and as far as I know, she wasn't able to provide me with any specific detail. So, I stopped it. And I felt a little more energetic and was able to make some progress on some creative work. BUT...psychiatrist seems to fully believe that I have all this manic energy that needs taming if I am going to be able to do the work of trauma processing/healing. Although I don't believe I have manic energy or am bipolar in any way, I do trust her to some extent, and I do want to heal. So I agreed to the lithium. It's a bit better than the seroquel BUT...Crazy stuff happening to me more frequently. Parts coming out/hijacking me. Flashbacks with new material. A really intense suicidal part that wreaked havoc with me so a 9-day hospital stay at the place I went last year and hated. I hated it this time too. They simply cannot seem to understand that when I am hijacked by a part, I am unable to do what they want me to do. I can do mindfulness activities perfectly well when I'm not scrambled. Anyway, I failed the psych hospital. They told me not to come back. LOL. Hopefully I will  not need another hospitalization ever. But if I do, I guess I will land at our local hospital's general ward (where I was in 2015). It's like a prison, complete with gigantic burly men standing guard and a policeman. Yikes. It was terrifying that first time. So now I'm living with all these parts coming out and taking over all the time. Sometimes it's quite humorous when I snap out of it (like what was in the grocery cart at the store yesterday). Other times it freaks me out, especially if I lose track of time and I'm not sure if I did or said anything weird. I think much of the time my shifts aren't too noticeable, and for that I am grateful. The psychiatrist says the parts need to come out for me to heal. She says sometimes things seem to get worse before they get better. I hope this is true. Maybe it is true that the lithium has slightly slowed the spinning in my brain that keeps my past experiences from my consciousness. Maybe this is why the parts are coming out more. Maybe, finally, I will be able to process something of the mess of my past. I have remembered a lot. But remembering is not enough. So...onward.</blockquote>

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