Recent content by BuildingSelf24

I've only been an atheist for 4 years now. I noticed myself still being pulled toward religions even though I don't believe in God or their teachings. I came to realize that I was seeking out someone who would show me mercy, specifically keeping or saving me from harm. I know it's tied to my...

I realize that I was trying to earn my safety from people intent on harming for me and that it was a pattern cemented from a childhood of trying to avoid getting harmed by my family. I guess I thought if I was more likeable they wouldn't have harmed me or if I just pleaded my case and told the...

Yea. I think you make a great a point. It's a different world now and what would have likely happened in the past won't happen now. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a new world and I need to give myself and the world more grace. Thank you! Your story was really helpful...

Yea. I know most people won't rise things to the point of violence. I think it's just that my family often did as a kid and often still say that they wish they could still (They can't hit kids anymore due to CPS involvement a few years ago and know they could go to jail if they hit me or other...

It was you against a group of other people. It's hard for anyone to take that on, especially when you're a kid and you have to live with being taunted by others for it if they found out. They didn't really give you much of a choice. It was coercion and set up to not give you not much of choice...

Think I had my first sleep paralysis? I had a dream about being in bed and a spider coming down from the ceiling almost landing on the bed next to me but I couldn't get up. My legs would not move. I kept looking over to see the progress of the spider. I was scared. The dream only ended when I...

I realized that a lot of my people-pleasing behavior came from a fear of what would happen if I wasn't likeable to someone, like could they ostracize me, beat me, or berate me like my family did. I want to believe that most people are not like that, that most people would not be so violent or...

Spore. I'm playing it with my brother. The evolutions are so fun and satisfying!

I'm not a therapist but I recognized that the times I would dissociate the most was when I had a lot of feelings that I was either actively trying to repress or that were bubbling under the surface. I just share my experience since it could be something to bring up with your therapist. Don't...

I have experienced something similar as far as attracting these people and begging them for the bare minimum. I recognized it's definitely a repeat of childhood with no one caring enough about me, my feelings, or how things affect me to do something about the abuse and protect me. I eventually...

Silver 🥈

I discovered today that I've been having flashbacks for as long as I can remember. It explains a lot and makes me realize that a lot of the trauma I won't have memory of because I was so young, under 6. I have no memory of ever feeling safe and secure at home, and it makes me more compassionate...

I find myself looking around every corner for things I'm scared of like spiders and I find myself almost hallucinating them at the peripheral of my vision. It's almost like my mind wants there be a big honking spider right in front of me. I did some journaling and came to the conclusion that...

Watched Total Drama Pahkitew Island with my brother

I realize that asserting myself and putting up boundaries actually make me easier to love and harder to use. I used to think I had to express what I wanted meekly and even hide it. I realize now that set me up to never get my needs met and to be treated as disposable by others.