Fear of Violence or Retaliation around not People pleasing

[BuildingSelf24]

I realized that a lot of my people-pleasing behavior came from a fear of what would happen if I wasn't likeable to someone, like could they ostracize me, beat me, or berate me like my family did. I want to believe that most people are not like that, that most people would not be so violent or drastic in their actions just because someone or something isn't exactly how they want it to be.

I just wonder how did any of you deal with this. Are most people generally tolerant as long as they or others aren't being harmed, or do I still need to be worried about it?

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I have similar, I had to put my foot down about something the other day, very new thing for me to do, and despite the people involved not being around in that moment, I did get scared that one would send the other to confront me, with the possibility of it becoming violent, even sexually violent.

Reasonable? No. Natural trauma response? Yeah.
In my experience you just have to practice when opportunities arise, and keep grounding techniques on you… and if at all possible a close friend who can give some encouragement, and more grounded perspective (that’s what helped me bail out of a situation where I felt very uncomfortable, which I almost gave up trying to get out of because of insisting.)

Most people ever will not become aggressive or violent for not getting their way. Vast majority of people can handle their emotions and not be cruel. The urge to be cruel doesn’t actually come to every angry person. Some people? May say something unkind, or be weird about it, but it’s more so down in petty territory, than threatening or flaming. I’ve had someone be irritated at me, but didn’t insult me or anything like that.

Violence and berating happen so much in private relationships such as abusive families and partners, especially for children, because as a child you have no power, really, and what’s happening won’t be seen or heard about by anyone. As an adult, people for the most part want to resolve xyz without putting the connections they have at risk, or their image. In my experience it’s a lot more civil. Even extended family VS direct is different in how free people feel to be unreasonably frusrated and direct it at you.

Also, work on any cognitive distortions you very likely have from growing up with your family will help. Do you view saying “no” as inherently mean? What needs do you automatically put below others? (I’m fine with sacrificing a measure of energy and time for someone, but am learning to take my stress cup more seriously).

Takes practice, but you won’t be attacked by random people for not doing whatever they want. The more you push through the fear, the more experience you get under your belt, which will prepare you for if/when you have to work a bit harder to put your foot down and be heard. People in normal life don’t use violence or aggression unless met with it, it’s most often trying to convince you away from your decision. Which is unpleasant, but not an attack.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I have similar, I had to put my foot down about something the other day, very new thing for me to do, and despite the people involved not being around in that moment, I did get scared that one would send the other to confront me, with the possibility of it becoming violent, even sexually violent.

Reasonable? No. Natural trauma response? Yeah.
In my experience you just have to practice when opportunities arise, and keep grounding techniques on you… and if at all possible a close friend who can give some encouragement, and more grounded perspective (that’s what helped me bail out of a situation where I felt very uncomfortable, which I almost gave up trying to get out of because of insisting.)

Most people ever will not become aggressive or violent for not getting their way. Vast majority of people can handle their emotions and not be cruel. The urge to be cruel doesn’t actually come to every angry person. Some people? May say something unkind, or be weird about it, but it’s more so down in petty territory, than threatening or flaming. I’ve had someone be irritated at me, but didn’t insult me or anything like that.

Violence and berating happen so much in private relationships such as abusive families and partners, especially for children, because as a child you have no power, really, and what’s happening won’t be seen or heard about by anyone. As an adult, people for the most part want to resolve xyz without putting the connections they have at risk, or their image. In my experience it’s a lot more civil. Even extended family VS direct is different in how free people feel to be unreasonably frusrated and direct it at you.

Also, work on any cognitive distortions you very likely have from growing up with your family will help. Do you view saying “no” as inherently mean? What needs do you automatically put below others? (I’m fine with sacrificing a measure of energy and time for someone, but am learning to take my stress cup more seriously).

Takes practice, but you won’t be attacked by random people for not doing whatever they want. The more you push through the fear, the more experience you get under your belt, which will prepare you for if/when you have to work a bit harder to put your foot down and be heard. People in normal life don’t use violence or aggression unless met with it, it’s most often trying to convince you away from your decision. Which is unpleasant, but not an attack.

Yea. I know most people won't rise things to the point of violence. I think it's just that my family often did as a kid and often still say that they wish they could still (They can't hit kids anymore due to CPS involvement a few years ago and know they could go to jail if they hit me or other adults). Plus, I've come across many aggressive people in my life that just further solidified that. I think it'll take some time for me to undo that belief. I can still feel myself being stuck in those times of being harassed and beaten like a part of my brain is just stuck there. It's something I'm trying to work on but haven't made huge progress on yet. The feeling has reduced but is still there noticeably.

I think for me it's difficult because I either freeze or panic after the fact if I make it through it. I think I've worked through much of the trauma I remember but now I think I'm hitting against the trauma of things I can't remember because I was really young and it's a bit harder to combat. But you are definitely right about the cognitive distortions. It seems to be the same ones repeating about not being rude or impolite or unlikeable. I have to remind myself that it's not rude to say no or push back or defend myself like it was said it be as a kid. It was never really, just a form of manipulation used by my family to consistently get their way and punish me if they didn't. I guess it just takes a while for it to sink in. I could also probably do a better job of reminding myself that all this is just a normal reaction to years of trauma at such a sensitive age. Thanks for this! I needed it.

 

[arfie]

fight and flight come far more naturally to me than fawning (people pleasing), but both tendencies hold the common defense mechanism of hiding away for fear of rejection.

 

[Friday]

In my early/mid twenties I paid off my debts (that I owed), forgave my debts (owed to me), and went white-picket-fence.

About 2 years into that… I ran over someone’s dog.

Dumb luck / bad luck, the owner called it across the street as they saw me driving on it, and the dog delayed then dashed. Nothing could be done. Freak bad timing accident.

So I get home, 3 minutes later, and inform my husband we have to pack & be out in 20 minutes. Am simultaneously throwing my go bags into the center of the living room whilst piling up petrol cans, to burn the house down behind us. <<< Because the world I left behind? You kill someone’s dog? They come kill you, your family, your neighbours, your grocer. Anyone/everyone connected to you. You have to FAST disappear, with nothing left for anyone to track you.

My husband talked me down from my scorched earth evac at speed. Not that I was happy about it, but I didn’t insist.

And nothing came of the dead dog.

Much to my own surprise.

Because 2 VERY different worlds; the world I was used to, and the world I lived in then. Trauma & flashbacks & mistaking past as present? Only complicate & delay that transition.

***

How REAL the fear of what would happen IF?

Depends entirely on the world you live in.

Completely rational fears/actions/reactions in some worlds? Pfft. Are stuff and nonsense in other worlds.

Transitions between worlds? Take time & practice, to learn new expectations.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

In my early/mid twenties I paid off my debts (that I owed), forgave my debts (owed to me), and went white-picket-fence.

About 2 years into that… I ran over someone’s dog.

Dumb luck / bad luck, the owner called it across the street as they saw me driving on it, and the dog delayed then dashed. Nothing could be done. Freak bad timing accident.

So I get home, 3 minutes later, and inform my husband we have to pack & be out in 20 minutes. Am simultaneously throwing my go bags into the center of the living room whilst piling up petrol cans, to burn the house down behind us. <<< Because the world I left behind? You kill someone’s dog? They come kill you, your family, your neighbours, your grocer. Anyone/everyone connected to you. You have to FAST disappear, with nothing left for anyone to track you.

My husband talked me down from my scorched earth evac at speed. Not that I was happy about it, but I didn’t insist.

And nothing came of the dead dog.

Much to my own surprise.

Because 2 VERY different worlds; the world I was used to, and the world I lived in then. Trauma & flashbacks & mistaking past as present? Only complicate & delay that transition.

***

How REAL the fear of what would happen IF?

Depends entirely on the world you live in.

Completely rational fears/actions/reactions in some worlds? Pfft. Are stuff and nonsense in other worlds.

Transitions between worlds? Take time & practice, to learn new expectations.

Yea. I think you make a great a point. It's a different world now and what would have likely happened in the past won't happen now. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a new world and I need to give myself and the world more grace. Thank you! Your story was really helpful.

fight and flight come far more naturally to me than fawning (people pleasing), but both tendencies hold the common defense mechanism of hiding away for fear of rejection.

I think the fear of rejection is there but also what that rejection means about me like if I'm a bad person or that loneliness, maybe fear of abandonment. Maybe just wanting more people around because I know that I don't have that same base of familial love to fall back on like others do. It just feels more dire because of that I guess. Like I have to make these people like me or I'll be alone again. It's something I need to work on. It's not the end of the world. I'll be just fine if it happens.