Ecdysis
MyPTSD Pro
So, I was listening to an audiobook the other day that said we really need self-help groups for people who engage in co-dependent behaviour, where like in AA meetings, you can say "Hi, my name is Ecdysis, I messed up today and engaged in people-pleasing behaviour again... damnit! "
So yeah... it's definitely one of the things I learned in childhood - being parentified, "looking after" my ill and dysfunctional parents, trying to be "perfect" so I'd get their approval/ avoid their wrath/ rejection, trying to "help" people to prove I'm a good person and have value, putting other people's needs before my own... it's a long list.
I've done job training to work in a social/ helping job... I do a lot of volunteer work... typical "helper" tasks.
It's actually quite hard to view it as dysfuntional behaviour/ maladaptive coping strategies - I think to a large degree because you get soooo much positive feedback from just about "everyone" for being caring, helping, supportive - just about everyone says it's "good" and that you're being "a good person" for engaging in those tasks/ those behaviours.
But while yes, being pro-social obviously is a "good" thing, I guess like just about anything in life, it's a) a question of degree and b) a question of what motivates it. I think it makes a big difference whether it's simply positive behaviour out of kindness, or whether it's learned co-dependent behaviour from an abusive childhood which taught you that it's "good" to put other people's needs before your own.
I know one pattern I get into is seeing people who "need help". It's like my childhood neglect and abuse taught me to have a sixth sense for that... People who are coping/ seem to be doing fine don't trigger this response... I see them coping and my brain seems to think "Okay, whatever..." But as soon as I see someone who's not coping/ needs help, my brain is like "OMG, OMG, OMG someone needs help...! Can I think of something helpful?? I must help *somehow*. " It's like a compulsion. And my brain seems to give me a dose of dopamine or serotonine or whatever "positive" brain chemicals when I am able to "help" somehow. Sigh...
I'd really like to re-train myself to at least decrease this behaviour pattern.
I don't want to become selfish, mean, putting my own needs ahead of others... That's just falling into the trap of "doing the opposite"... But I want to get to a healthier middle ground of my needs being equally important to those of others.
Anyone else prone to these co-dependent type behaviours and wants to move away from them?
Edit to add: This behaviour is something I've actually been failing at, during my current debilitating episode of depression. Things have gotten so bad, that surviving (covering my own basic needs) is all I'm capable of. Failing at the task of "helping" feels absolutely awful. Everytime I get a small amount of energy during this depression phase.... I find myself not investing it in myself, but going straight back to trying to "help" somehow... Ugh... It's very uncomfortable/ painful.
So yeah... it's definitely one of the things I learned in childhood - being parentified, "looking after" my ill and dysfunctional parents, trying to be "perfect" so I'd get their approval/ avoid their wrath/ rejection, trying to "help" people to prove I'm a good person and have value, putting other people's needs before my own... it's a long list.
I've done job training to work in a social/ helping job... I do a lot of volunteer work... typical "helper" tasks.
It's actually quite hard to view it as dysfuntional behaviour/ maladaptive coping strategies - I think to a large degree because you get soooo much positive feedback from just about "everyone" for being caring, helping, supportive - just about everyone says it's "good" and that you're being "a good person" for engaging in those tasks/ those behaviours.
But while yes, being pro-social obviously is a "good" thing, I guess like just about anything in life, it's a) a question of degree and b) a question of what motivates it. I think it makes a big difference whether it's simply positive behaviour out of kindness, or whether it's learned co-dependent behaviour from an abusive childhood which taught you that it's "good" to put other people's needs before your own.
I know one pattern I get into is seeing people who "need help". It's like my childhood neglect and abuse taught me to have a sixth sense for that... People who are coping/ seem to be doing fine don't trigger this response... I see them coping and my brain seems to think "Okay, whatever..." But as soon as I see someone who's not coping/ needs help, my brain is like "OMG, OMG, OMG someone needs help...! Can I think of something helpful?? I must help *somehow*. " It's like a compulsion. And my brain seems to give me a dose of dopamine or serotonine or whatever "positive" brain chemicals when I am able to "help" somehow. Sigh...
I'd really like to re-train myself to at least decrease this behaviour pattern.
I don't want to become selfish, mean, putting my own needs ahead of others... That's just falling into the trap of "doing the opposite"... But I want to get to a healthier middle ground of my needs being equally important to those of others.
Anyone else prone to these co-dependent type behaviours and wants to move away from them?
Edit to add: This behaviour is something I've actually been failing at, during my current debilitating episode of depression. Things have gotten so bad, that surviving (covering my own basic needs) is all I'm capable of. Failing at the task of "helping" feels absolutely awful. Everytime I get a small amount of energy during this depression phase.... I find myself not investing it in myself, but going straight back to trying to "help" somehow... Ugh... It's very uncomfortable/ painful.
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