Recent content by ceruleanblue

I was told after a suicide attempt, and a period of self-harm about 15 years ago that I have "many of the features of BPD", save for manipulation. I'm pretty blunt and what you see is what you get. Other than that, it all fits. I was given a photocopied article written by a clinician who...

Yeah, it was an unexpected bonus. XD

I really don't WANT anyone to know me. If they get past a certain point, to the bad stuff, that's when I start getting panicky that they're: 1) not going to like what they see. 2) going to discard me because of that I am lucky enough to have about 3 really good friends who know my background...

I have definitely seen my immune system take a nose dive since my traumas. I was just about to post about this. I have a hard time fighting things off, and when I do get them, I seem to get them more severely than most people.

I find I feel really resentful of "normal" people sometimes, then I realize it's not "non-traumatized" people I feel resentful toward, it's the ones who have never even IMAGINED what it might be like to be disabled, in any form, that I resent. They come off as sheltered and pampered, and I feel...

I know quite a few "normal" people who are very, very good people ... but being around them makes me feel incredibly freakish and lonely. I have a couple of friends who really do their best to understand, and I count myself lucky for that, but I am all too acutely aware of the moment when they...

Dissociative fog followed by a drizzle of regret. Late in the evening, we can look forward to an anxiety storm...

When you put the toast in the toaster, and watch it for a few minutes, waiting. You only realize about five minutes later that you did not push the lever down. When you cannot remember if you locked your car or not because you were paying too much attention to that SOUND down the street, so you...

She is an absolutely gorgeous dog. I have a leonberger, and a lab/rottie cross. Besides making me feel much more secure when they are around me (they are both massive dogs and very protective when they need to be), I love getting compliments on them. If someone (especially a man) complimented me...

Yeah, standards seem like a deal breaker for most men of my generation! XD I'd rather be alone than settle for someone I can't respect or like.

I get anxious when I'm happy about something because I immediately think about the loss of that happiness. For example, if I make a friend and enjoy their company, I begin to obsess about losing that friend and how much that is going to hurt.

I really don't mind being alone at all. What I mind is other people's assumptions about me because of it. I feel like people pity me, or think I've somehow failed at becoming an adult because I am not partnered up. As I've said in the past "I'm not a sock in a dryer, I don't need a matched up...

I have gleefully joined the FA club. Whenever I think about getting into a relationship with anyone (especially a man), I feel clausterphobic and paranoid. When I'm in a relationship, I feel downright crazy. My last relationship with a man was intense. I was so, so in love with him, and he was...

This is dead on for me. My therapist said I definitely have different parts of me that take over when I'm feeling threatened, and sometimes I can't remember what they did. An example: I was out with a friend for NYE. We were in a pub, dancing. All of a sudden, we were outside and my friend...

Thanks. I had a feeling someone would put up a thread here. I'm glad it exists. I hope I can sleep tonight.