Recent content by Stills

I created this account back in the summer of 2016 when I first recovered memories of CSA. I eventually signed off in 2017 because I needed to dissociate myself from this, and boy, did I do just do that... Last year, I relapsed so badly in my anorexia and bulimia and alcohol and drug use. I...

thank you for your response. I think it screwed me up more than I like to admit and I want to be a better person.

The other day I saw him on the train. He had the same mole on the left side of his cheek, but he's much older now. I didn't feel panicky, but I felt confused and was kind of like frowning. I stared at him the entire time, and I told myself it's probably not him, but if it is, he'd get off at...

I am now 21 years old. I still feel like a hurt little child who mourns her mommy. I feel as if I have no obligations in the world. Everything is up to me, but with little direction. It's like nothing matters. Does this feeling ever die?

One of the main things i struggle with is impulse control as a growing, evolving adult which continues to throw me off track and scare me. an example of this is that i know consciously i am making irrational decisions in the spur of the moment, but i see no harm in it until it is often too late...

And I see other people so willingly stating how much they love kids, and it's like well I'm not allowed to express any feelings towards them and it's sad that we've been conditioned to think this way, and what doesn't help is that a lot of people think all those who have been abused have the...

When I first recovered memories, I was working as a camp counsellor with children, and oh man it was tough. One guy in particular really triggered me maybe cause he was tall and my abuser also was tall...I don't know but the first day on the job I freaked out at him cause he had the kids sitting...

Thank you for posting this. You are definitely not alone!!!!

Speed donor?

Thank you guys for your support. I feel bad for reaching out so often like this...I think I'm going to try counselling again in the near future. I just really don't want to deal with this at all. It's easier to focus on something else.

I'm so f*cking angry right now I should just f*cking kill myself. I can't shake these memories. I know I had anal sex as a child and I remember I couldn't wipe my own ass for the longest time. In pre school the teachers had to do it for me. I remember I just felt so dirty all the time and I'm...

Throughout my entire life, I've been needy to a degree of shame...Especially from those who bullied me as a child. I remember I was badly bullied during my 6th grade year, and obviously I was hurt, but then I can recall "falling in love" with these same boys that would harass me. I have no...

That's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear that.

About my drama teacher? No, I never did...I was just so naive, and I guess I looked the other way. And the girl, she ended up being kicked out of the school, so she never had the chance to I guess.

I'm so upset right now... I was thinking quite a bit about my sexual abuse trauma today already. I went to boarding school for my last two years of high school, and I never talk about it because I hated my experience there and I just wanted to stay in oblivion. I mean, it's such a blur to me...