Hey there,
I suffer from Alcohol problems. I've just come out of a seven month bender. When I am drinking I can lose months, let alone hours or days. I disassociate so desperately. I don't know about other selves but I DON'T feel like myself nor do I act like myself when I am in this state, it's horrible. All through the relapse and obvious nervous breakdown I kept trying to get help, every service I approached told me I was 'too sick' for them to treat, which left me nowhere. I went completely weird one night and started making really strange noises so my partner called an ambulance as he was so concerned by my behaviour, he knows everything and has lived with me and my mental illnesses for over a decade, so if he was concerned something odd must have been going on. He has told me in the past that at times I do seem like a completely different person. I'm not sure that splitting is the right term for what happens to me but I can certainly say that it feels like I am being taken over by something or someone else. I'm not sure if that helps at all but that is my experience. I would say that there are clearly fragmented parts of me, it feels like one of those fragments is only released when I am drinking/drunk.
I'm not sure that I will ever truly heal from it but I have found the following help me to deal with the feelings:
- Connect on Twitter/other social media (anonymously if you want) with others that suffer from the same illnesses and it really does help you to feel less alone and less weird for the strange things your mind does to you.
- Distract yourself by doing something you like - reading, films, nice food, baking, have a bath, cuddle a pet, go for a walk
- Talk to someone you trust about how your feeling but don't focus just on that, find out about what is happening in their life. We can become very wrapped up in the trauma bollocks our brains are throwing at us.
- Journal - I write down how I am feeling. I have found some truly distressing entries from the last seven months but they obviously helped me at the time.
- Now this is not for everyone and my partner hates when I do it BUT: take some cheap plates, find somewhere safe in your garden and SMASH them.
- Scream into a pillow (also a random one)
- When I am functioning better I exercise (I am advanced fitness professional), I eat INCREDIBLY healthily and though it is something that EVERYONE goes on about it really does make a noticeable difference. An example - I didn't want to eat today, by 8pm I was shouting at my dogs. I ate dinner and felt A LOT better.
- See above - get a dog :)
- Hug a teddy
In terms of dealing with addiction this is something that is very personal to everyone but for me I find that keeping busy, writing to do lists so that I'm not thinking about the incessant urges and how shitty I feel help me. I also find time to do nice things for me like just painting my toe nails. When I can't sleep I binge watch crap shows in bed so at least I am resting, I clean the house from top to bottom, I read.
I've found that mutual aid groups AA, SMART and the like really can help if you find a group that you like.
I've received no therapy or medication over the last seven months I just got fed up of feeling demented, aggressive, scared and of constantly throwing up so I tapered down and STOPPED. It's only day four for me so fingers crossed it stays on track.
I hope you're ok and at least looking after your basic needs, one thing I would say is to drink as much water as you can, even when you can't eat. I've managed one meal a day for the last four days.
Take care,
AA xx
