Recent content by Thinkbig

I have heard the term toxic shame, which I would like to point out, as my abuse stems from very young, has posed to be mutifaceted. I'm not trying in any way to minimize anyone elses experience, but toxic shame is different than shame. For me it's like PTSD, the gift that keeps giving. I'm...

The realization that we are worth having support around us and learning healthy boundaries is a huge step towards healing. Another part in healing is finding healthy ways to express our emotions, and yes there is so much! As a child it was impossible to sort through all the feelings that...

I have recently found a nurturing older woman that was willing to just love me. She has taught me what love even looks like. Boy, I had it so wrong! She has become my mentor and it has been such a blessing! I attribute it to God as this has come as an answer to prayer for me. Don't get me...

It seems to me that growing up in a family that doesn't treat us like we should be simply reinforces a lack of boundaries. Of course we will carry that into adulthood. Being taught that we don't deserve to be loved, cherished, or respected as a child is a learned behavior that we eventually...

I'm glad you found your way to this site! The more I read what others share, the more I realize how much I have in common. I'm 37 and still have very few memories. I guess many would see this as a gift, but I too feel like so many pieces are missing. The memories I do have come differently...

You explained so clearly what your going through. I can only speak from my own experience. When trying to find where right relationships it definitely seems like trial and error. I've had to wade through alot of failure to find what I really want and need. But the key is to keep trying. Also...

To hear it from someone else makes me wonder why I can't extend the same compassion toward myself that I feel for you. I too have struggled with self hated, self harming. I hated that child who was weak and helpless. I found this quote... "We experience and express anger when we are feeling...

I don't think anyone would ever try and create memories of abuse. Listen to your body. It never lies. I have processed a lot of shame and it gets better when you don't ignore it. There is very much another side to all this. Life can hold so much promise! It doesn't have to control you. You...

I started disassociating when I was 4 so it seems very much like a separate part of me. But when I visualize, sometimes its me and sometimes its that child. That's why I was wondering about the integration thing. And yes! I totally agree about keeping all this separate! This is so personal to...

I get this. I'm sorry your having to process loss at the same time this is coming up. It's a positive thing that you can see this connection to the past though. Maybe separating the past from present will help take away the strength of the emotions now...

I totally feel for you! I know what it's like having to try again and again to trust...but don't give up! It's like searching for something but not knowing what it is and the only thing you can do is figure out what its not. And so you try again. I don't know if the prayer thing totally turned...

I identify with parts of your first post...living constantly in fight or flight and for me, sometimes numb. I am often stretching and trying to relieve the tension that I hold in my shoulders. I have to remind myself to relax and not sit like I need to protect my body. I think one of the...

I hear you. I meant feeling safe in general, meaning safe in life, removed from the trauma environment itself, hopefully finding support. I wasn't able to process after the trauma due to this very reason. The world was an unsafe place and I didn't trust the people around me. I admire your...

I totally agree that we must be self motivated yet even then it is the process of reaching out for help, via therapy or education or breaking the silence for the first time. It's making a courageous stand toward trusting someone enough to listen and confirm that you are worth being heard. It's...

Very good question. It all gets so complicated for me when dealing with alters and all the emotions get tangled up.