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I feel so stupid. So more damaged at this moment. I was noting down the immediate pain issues in my pain journal; which works out to every two hours throughout the day I write down everything that hurts above the 'meh, it's annoying but it doesn't impair me' level. I look back and see that my...

Today was the first time in years and years that I think I actually did intense trauma work. I thought I had, before, but nah... this was the real thing. I remember. Beyond the emotional skin, for me, beyond the ways that I hide myself and censor my words, just where it is... all the reasons...

This morning I saw the psychiatrist. I've been trying to give him the real answers, as opposed to the right answers- the answers that let us all tick off the little boxes that say, stable, well-managed, cautiously optimistic about the future. It's hard to give the real answers. It's hard when...

Last week in session I was getting so close to telling my therapist the whole thingthat I'm currently struggling with. So close... until my throat closed up and I couldn't do it. I'm still beating myself up over it. I replay the conversation up to that moment, over and over, and I'm second...

My thoughts turn back to my mom, about who I thought she was not being accurate. My emotions are just shutting down from overload. It's all just a bit much. I don't even know why I'm posting. Want the flashback gone. Want my misery and guilt gone. Want my pain gone. Under it all I think I want...

I had another wave of emotional flashback tonight. Came out of nowhere, without giving me time to catch my breath as they normally come, and just slammed down. My head starts hurting from how fast it came. There's still this massive disconnect between what I'm feeling and what I'm knowing. Does...

"And Ophelia was a tempest cyclone, a goddamned hurricane... your common sense, your best defense, lay wasted and in vain... for Ophelia knows your every woe and every pain you'd ever had. She'd sympathize and dry your eyes and help you to forget. Ophelia's mind went wandering. You'd wonder...

In no particular order: I have no value Since we're not legally divorced, my husband is legally responsible for me. So I'm living totally on his sufferance Can't work, can't even pretend to try to work, and see the previous point I'm nothing to him. His coworkers tell him that he should kick my...

It seems as though in the past several years I get so disgusted with myself for feeling the need to go back over and over some of my past abuses. Some things that weren't even abuse, as such, and certainly not as bad as the majority of it. And I use that statement advisedly because if it's still...

I've been poking around for a thread that already addresses this and I can't. So I'll just come out and ask it myself. (and get feedback on what I really want to know instead of stuff that relates to someone else? there's a thought.) My therapist thinks I'm really very angry. That I should be...

I've been dealing with ptsd since... forever, it seems like. In some ways it feels like a family condition. At least two of my grandparents had it. Both my parents had it. I have it... and while all that sucks most suckfully, it really makes me more determined not to pass it down to my kids...