My Reality Check Bounced Again

[maryel42]

In no particular order:
I have no value
Since we're not legally divorced, my husband is legally responsible for me. So
I'm living totally on his sufferance
Can't work, can't even pretend to try to work, and see the previous point
I'm nothing to him.
His coworkers tell him that he should kick my ass out but he won't because he's better than that
He owns my ass

If I died right now, it would actually be easier on my children, because they would get a new mommy to love them and take care of them so much better than I ever have.

I can't stop shaking. I've been shaking uncontrollably and almost crying for the past two hours. I went and sat in my therapist's waiting room for about 90 minutes, just trying to pull my head together some. He's totally booked, and I didn't expect him to suddenly drop everything to cram me in on the spot, but I just wanted someplace to sit and everybody was kind enough to just let me alone, which is what I wanted. I thanked the repceptionist when I left, and she hoped I feel better.

I don't think I will. I think that there's no point. I don't want to tell anyone in real life because I am afraid they're going to overreact to all of this. I just want to crawl into a hole and die quietly.

I don't have the right to do it. I'm not good enough to get allowed to die. So this pain is just going to go on and on and on and on forever. That's worse than dying. At least with dying there would be an end for me.

 

[somuchpain]

You need to think about the things you say to yourself because you will believe them and you will become them. I know from your post that you're a kind, loving person very much needed by your children. Tell yourself the truth and/or random good things. Start like; "I am a good, loving mother very much needed by my children. I am a very important person and I'm of great value to the world simply due to all the love I bring to it. I can tell that guy who wrote this post would love to meet me and that he's attracted to me because I'm so sweet. These things are all true and I'm going to try to stop saying bad untrue things about myself." Love, A guy that knows you're a wonderful, valuable person.

 

[TLight]

Oh, it's ok honey. You are worth it cause you are still here and giving of yourself for others, like me.

I've been where you are at so many times. It does change, it gets better, then it gets bad again sometimes. But that's just life right? Only with ptsd it seems unbearably awful.

You are just in one of those unbearably awful times. It will pass. Do whatever you can to comfort yourself and please know you are worth it to us.

 

[somuchpain]

To calm down I use long showers, a cup of tea, prayer, meditation, peaceful music, fresh air in a park type area. Anything to help change your thoughts to positive, loving, comforting ones. Get rid of the untrue negative thoughts you hurt yourself with and feel the love that you and your children are truly made of. It's the only thing that is real in this life.

 

[maryel42]

I I just don't believe any of it right now.

The parts about my husband kicking me out, being nothing to him, that came out two weeks ago while he was drinking. When he drinks he can't filter anything. What he believes and how he feels and thinks just comes spilling out.

How can I argue true?

I went in for my state benefit review, and because I lost my housing and moved back into the house he has with the kids, I no longer qualify for any assistance. As the guy said, I'm my husbands problem. Not theirs.

So now I'm in a space where I feel absolutely no hope. Pain clinic is triggering me one way, memories are pulling another, current situation plays against old thoughts, and I'm *still* dealing with trying to process that the mother I thought I had, I never had, and just because she told me one set of reality all my life does not automatically make her right.

And it hurts. I'm not big enough to hold this hurt. One doctor thinks I need more therapy and another is pleased with my progress and says have I considered marriage counseling.

And I can't begin to think about that yet while I'm still feeling pressured to do it. It's expected that I will go back and be his wife. Everybody tells me how good a match we are

So why do I feel so miserable when I consider it?

 

[somuchpain]

It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now and need to allow yourself some breaks. You can't solve so much without taking some time now and then in order for your brain to take a long bath and relax. Good ideas often become obvious while resting. Believe in your ability to find satisfying solutions. Don't believe that you can't handle so much. Everything is one step at a time. I hope I'm being more helpful than annoying.

 

[maryel42]

I think so. But my head and body aren't talking so much the past several hours. Husband took kid-feeding duty last night so I could sleep. I still only got 90min chunks but hey, they were on a row. And I got four or five of them instead of two!

The most psychologically revealing dream among them. I actually wrote it out. Then I saw another two aspects of it that may probably explain all the shaking.

I spasmed again in my sleep. My toes went, my eyelids went, just everything in waves. This morning I feel so sore.

I think I'm off the worst edge of this wave. Biggest question I'm afraid to ask today is, how many of these are normal? I know everyone has them differently, but am I just bad for how frequently they come? I am that ... Gone... Maybe three times a month. I get as far as starting to carry out the plans two or three times a year.

Knowing that pattern will never end , I think is making it worse sometimes.

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