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-Why have my nightmares started again? -I’m so f*ckin hungry but my ED is killing me. -Feel like I’ll never have my life back. -Scared because hitting myself doesn’t tone down the hyperarousal anymore. Thinking about cutting. -starting to believe all medications are a f*cking scam.

Not ready for anything even remotely resembling a relationship. I was kind of meditating on that all day.

Decisiveness.

https://youtu.be/50c-KsLhEjI

Surprisingly calm. Which is nice.

First season of True Detective. I haven’t been able to get into anything since. Same with Breaking Bad. TV just isn’t the same. I’m not on the GoT wagon but I may binge when it’s finished. Not a huge fantasy or sci-fi fan.

Bought some really good books I absolutely do not need and a new vape. Can’t smoke anymore. Lungs dying.

The staff at the hospital Starbucks where I see my T. They put the CBT to the test.

Public transportation.

I remember seeing the vid for Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat. Then reading that it was about a gay kid getting stomped and his family abandoning him. Blew me away. I was like 12. Even then homosexuality wasn’t really acknowledged. I thought it was awesome. It was nice to see a video with some...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyVh3zicZU

Are you talking about the song though, or the video? Do the lyrics address these issues? Great song. Heard it a billion times. Can’t remember the lyrics atm.

Sorry, I meant to say that last weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada. Hence my pissiness at being alone.

—I’m hungry. —Found out the reason I’ve been so pissy this week after the numb, Abilify-inspired week of peace is that I was unconsciously angry at having no plans and no one to even go for Chinese instead. Literally no one. T hit it out of the park today. —It would be nice to hear someone say...

Sadly, anger is frowned on in general. I’m very misanthropic and try to deal with it the best I can, but.....people just give you so much to work with. I acknowledge it and never lash out or get violent. Not who I am. But i keep it in and it devours me at times. I am very tired though of living...

You have to block local news sites because what gave you PTSD seems to in the spotlight every. f*cking. day.

I realize that I have to give people a chance even though it’s so much easier to be a misanthrope.

Finishing a 900pg tome that I’ve been pounding at for almost a month. I underline and write marginalia while I read so I read slooooow.

I’m grateful for books and being literate. I can’t imagine being unable to read.

How many more meds am I going to need? I wonder if I should get back to work? A new job. I have too many books to read. I need human contact. I haven’t been touched in months. I gotta stop drinking McDonalds milkshakes. They cut through me like a knife.

My T put me on Abilify after trying to convince me for months. The term “antipsychotic” scared the hell out of me and the side effects seemed monstrous. I finally agreed to give it a shot after a particularly bad weekend recently and lo and behold it worked. It was like someone shut off a very...

Thanks for the laugh. I’m actually 6’0 195-200lbs. I’m not even obese. The body dysmorphia was a wonderful gift from my ex-wife.

Andrew Solomon wrote an amazing section in his book The Noonday Demon about how he became very mistrustful of happiness. How sadness and despair had become his baseline and happiness seemed an aberration. Forced. Unnatural. It felt like work. He never trusted happiness. I agree and long before...

Reading. Trying to limit my online time. Weed.

Ironically, for me wearing earbuds with music blaring has become a comfort gesture. I have a hard time tolerating the sounds of the world. Correction: the sounds of people. Idiotic conversations. General babble. Loud cars. Motorcycles. Horns. And, odd for a man who loves music, rude c*nts in...