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I notice I do it when I’m having an emotional flashback and when I get home. Today, I know I’ll be clenching when I get home b/c I didn’t wake up to drive my husband to work. I’ll surely be punished in some way.

February 23, 2021 If my anxiety wasn’t high enough, I’m now waiting at the animal ER and I have to be at work by 11:00 😬

February 18, 2021 “The arms that held and rocked the babe also killed whatever good was left in me.” I started rewriting my traumatic experiences today, and that phrase came out of me as if I’d always known.

February 17, 2021 Received some bad news this morning; my brother’s girlfriend passed away. She was barely in her 40’s. She struggled with social anxiety, depression and was on a self-destructive path. She didn’t commit suicide but self-inflicted damage completed the task for her. It’s sad...

February 16, 2021 Fully experienced Depersonalization this afternoon. I assume it’s been happening for some time but never paid attention until now. I was at lunch, so it was easy to notice. I realize that I’m triggered by a specific sound at work, so I’ll have to remember to ground myself...

February 14, 2021 Gaslighting? I’m so used to getting upset and my husband walking away that I’m not sure if his reaction was ‘normal’ or dismissive. I was lying in bed sobbing when he woke up. He came in the room and asked what’s wrong. I said, “If you were looking forward to us spending...

February 14, 2021 How much more am I gonna be able to take before I give up? Yesterday, I picked up a few things for dinner. I sent a text to my husband to ask what we needed (my memory is terrible), but he never responded. So, I got what I could remember and went home. When I got upstairs...

February 13, 2021 I’m awake and angry. I realize fully now why I try so hard to get others to like me - my mom never let me know I was good enough. My sense of awareness heightened, I notice how people react to me when I talk with them. For example, my mom came over last night to pick my...

February 12, 2021 Yesterday on my way home from taking my husband to work, I saw something green fall out of the sky. I thought it was a falling star, but later learned it was an NEO (Near Earth Object). According to NASA it was an airplane-sized asteroid. 😳 it was the biggest, brightest thing...

February 9, 2021 On my drive home from work yesterday, I had an emotional flashback of the stabbing kind - neither of my parents truly loved me. Looking back at 1983, maybe’84, my dad and my stepmom promised me the earth and stars to get me to live with them. At first, I finally had the...

February 8, 2021 I was at my mom’s yesterday, and we were talking about some of the friends I had in high school. She made this comment, “You were a pawn, and they used you.” I replied with, “I’ve been a pawn my entire life.” She quickly changed the subject, and I immediately noticed myself...

February 7, 2021 Feeling sad today. Realizing I’m not important unless I can: empathize, sympathize or provide a service weighs heavy on my heart. Menial tasks are what I’m expected to accept as love from my spouse, and guilt trips from my mom are supposed to make me feel grateful. I hate...

January 30, 2021 Major meltdown last night, and like a slot machine, my husband showed some affection only to hammer on my failure this morning. My only source of real serotonin right now are my four female rats. One of them is hurt, and I am so sad about it 😢 We don’t have money to take her...

Thank you for the feedback. T suggested I get back on meds; I’m hoping that may help 😊

January 29, 2021 I’ve come to the realization that all but one of the men in my life are misogynists and think women are worthless and weak until they need or want something from them 🤬 I seriously need a heavy bag to get rid of this anger today!

Ooh, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll give it a try 😊

Snow is beautiful

Thank you, All. After reading the comments, it may be a combination of PTSD and Adderall - mostly the Adderall I bet 😞 But, I notice it most when grounding after my brain has “gone on vacation.”

I constantly catch myself clenching my teeth. Does anyone else do this, or is it just another quirk I’m beginning to notice?

January 23, 2021 Is it so wrong to want what every, living being wants: to love and be loved? Is it so wrong to expect my husband to own up to his vows, “to love and to cherish...?” Why is he okay with treating (or not) the way he does? What does marriage look like to him? I asked him what...

January 23, 2021 I’ve driven past three of the places I’d been traumatized. One of them I was forced to take pictures of because a client owned the place. The exterior was the same as I remember except for neglectful wear. The inside was different, but as soon as I peered through the screen...

January 22, 2021 My thoughts tonight have drifted back to June 12, 2019. I am at the courthouse waiting to appear before the Probate judge because I filed a petition for guardianship of my father. My aunt, along with her - meddling husband - stroll in pushing my dad in a wheelchair. They...

January 22, 2021 So, I had the last couple days off and decided to take in some cinematic drama. First up: “When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story.” I cried through most of the movie! There were some serious triggers for me, and Winona Ryder did an excellent job of portraying the...

January 17, 2021 I’ve been on vacation and reflecting. I realize that I have a lot more work to do than I once thought. Slowly, I realize that my relationship with my mom isn’t what I believed it to be. I thought we were close, but I see now that we got along because I have always stepped...

January 13, 2021 Awake again at 2:30 am. I had a dream, but unlike Billie Eilish, it wasn’t anything I wanted, it was a dead-a** nightmare. I was at a party ready to leave, but when I yelled for my husband, who was in the car, he punched the gas with the driver door and trunk open. Stranded...