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One Trauma at a Time

February 12, 2021

Yesterday on my way home from taking my husband to work, I saw something green fall out of the sky. I thought it was a falling star, but later learned it was an NEO (Near Earth Object). According to NASA it was an airplane-sized asteroid. šŸ˜³ it was the biggest, brightest thing Iā€™ve ever seen! I made a wish, I hope it helps.

Then, I got some good news today. Iā€™m officially full-time status at my job. The hours arenā€™t gonna be much different, but the benefits are definitely better.

Later, I had a major meltdown because a bunny jumped in front of my car and I hit it. I immediately started crying. I felt horrible. It was dark, and I didnā€™t see it until the last second. There was no time for me to swerve. I heard it hit the undercarriage, and I couldnā€™t stop my tears. šŸ˜­

Once I got home, I found out our sewer pipe is backed up in the basement again. That means Iā€™ll have to use bottled water to brush my teeth, and my house is gonna stink šŸ˜«

I swear the closer it gets to Valentineā€™s Day, the more anxious I feel. It has more to do with my fear of being let down than the actual day. My husband and I probably havenā€™t had sex in over a month, and Iā€™m not sure Iā€™m even interested anymore.
 
February 13, 2021

Iā€™m awake and angry. I realize fully now why I try so hard to get others to like me - my mom never let me know I was good enough. My sense of awareness heightened, I notice how people react to me when I talk with them.

For example, my mom came over last night to pick my daughter up for the weekend, and I told her about the asteroid I saw. Her response, ā€œYeah, Iā€™ve seen one before.ā€ I described how close it was, and how big and bright it was. She just nodded and said, ā€œI know. I just told you Iā€™ve seen one before.ā€ The temp in the room dropped about 10 degrees. All my life Iā€™ve never felt good enough; Iā€™m slowly beginning to understand why.

When I was younger and got in trouble with my mom for something, she gave me a choice: I could be grounded or I could get spanked with a wooden spoon and go back outside. I donā€™t know what a normal child would choose, but I always picked the spanking - especially during the summer. The fact that I chose to be beaten speaks volumes to me. I understand now I was already programmed to care very little about myself because both of my parents could inflict pain on me without a second thought.

When I was a teenager, I attempted to stand up for myself, but it never got me anywhere. I was ā€œlazyā€; according to my mom, ā€œon drugsā€; ā€œgood for nothinā€™ā€ and ā€œevil and selfishā€ according to my dad. Even when I helped out around the house, my mom would point out all the things I didnā€™t do or redo what was done because it wasnā€™t ā€œgood enough.ā€

itā€™s no wonder I donā€™t recognize or appreciate my accomplishments, and itā€™s a wonder Iā€™m still functioning. I grew up with narcissistic parents, does that make me one too?
 
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February 14, 2021

How much more am I gonna be able to take before I give up?

Yesterday, I picked up a few things for dinner. I sent a text to my husband to ask what we needed (my memory is terrible), but he never responded. So, I got what I could remember and went home. When I got upstairs, he was asleep - as usual. This time however, I got upset because heā€™d promised earlier that weā€™d spend time together. I guess I wasnā€™t important enough for him to wait.
 
February 14, 2021

Gaslighting?


Iā€™m so used to getting upset and my husband walking away that Iā€™m not sure if his reaction was ā€˜normalā€™ or dismissive.

I was lying in bed sobbing when he woke up. He came in the room and asked whatā€™s wrong. I said, ā€œIf you were looking forward to us spending time together, you shouldā€™ve been awake when I got home.ā€ He responds with, ā€œI donā€™t yell at you when youā€™re asleep on your days off when I get home.ā€ My days off are: A, not a day before a holiday and B, I donā€™t promise any ā€˜specialā€™ time with anyone. I suspect itā€™s gaslighting so he doesnā€™t feel guilty, but maybe Iā€™m overreacting?

He didnā€™t even acknowledge the fact that I was upset šŸ˜¢
 
February 16, 2021

Fully experienced Depersonalization this afternoon. I assume itā€™s been happening for some time but never paid attention until now. I was at lunch, so it was easy to notice. I realize that Iā€™m triggered by a specific sound at work, so Iā€™ll have to remember to ground myself the next time I hear it.
 
February 17, 2021

Received some bad news this morning; my brotherā€™s girlfriend passed away. She was barely in her 40ā€™s. She struggled with social anxiety, depression and was on a self-destructive path. She didnā€™t commit suicide but self-inflicted damage completed the task for her. Itā€™s sad to think parents donā€™t realize how their harsh actions affect their children when they grow into adults. When parents see their babies suffering, why do they not do what they ought?
 
February 18, 2021

ā€œThe arms that held and rocked the babe also killed whatever good was left in me.ā€

I started rewriting my traumatic experiences today, and that phrase came out of me as if Iā€™d always known.
 
February 28, 2021

Itā€™s the end of the month; and while most folks are figuring which bills are due, Iā€™m trying to dump two decades worth of a responsibility that was never mine in the first place. I attempted subtly, but he kinda blew that off. I guess I just need to say it, ā€œIā€™m not and have never been responsible for your life choices! Itā€™s time for both of us to start destroying the tether one link at a time.ā€
 
March 5, 2021

I have a to of writing to add; however, I left my notebook at home šŸ˜« I will definitely be posting more at some point, but for now Iā€™ll keep it recent.

I started taking Zoloft Wednesday evening. I slept all day Thursday like I hadnā€™t slept in eons. Iā€™m surprised my ā€˜dotingā€™ husband didnā€™t wake me. He seems to be okay waking me at 5:30 am when Iā€™m nauseous šŸ˜” This morning I wanted to scream as if it were my last breath, ā€œDo you realize how disrespectful and uncaring it is to wake me 4 hours before I need to be and expect me to get you to work without complaint?ā€ But, it happened only in my head. He knew his whispered, ā€œFu**,ā€ echoing through the kitchen would make me feel guilty enough to get out of bed and take him. Honestly, itā€™s sad that I allow him such power over me. I should have listened to my terrified gut when he first asked me to move in with him. I should have stayed gone after I moved out, and he made no attempts to contact me. I should have read the warning signs, but I was already hooked. The time has come for me to begin to move forward and figure out my future. Iā€™m certainly not getting better staying in this toxic situation. The only way for me to break free is to pack my stuff and go - one item at a time.

Iā€™m going to start working on a timeline with T; it has to end somehow, it may as well start with me.
 
HUGE Decision:

Two days ago, I decided to go back to school. Yesterday, I got accepted into Rochester University for their accelerated Bachelor of Science in Psychology program. Regardless of how anyone close to me feels about it, Iā€™m proud of myself for wanting to gain my independence back šŸ˜Š
 
March 14, 2021

Iā€™m a tornado of emotions: anger, frustration, sadness, worthlessness. I just want to be heard, my feelings validated. Anytime I try to express my feelings about my trauma, Iā€™m met with defense, guilt-trips, gaslighting and [ā€œIā€™m tired of hearing it!] or, ā€œIā€˜ve already apologized. I guess Iā€™ll be apologizing until I die!ā€ Iā€™m tired of talking about my experiences and my mom or my husband bringing up something worse that theyā€™ve been through. I explain to Mom I have PTSD, and she says, ā€œI have it, too!ā€ Once again making it about her, and making sarcastic remarks like, ā€œI guess I was a bad mom for doing...ā€ Iā€™m so tired of being dismissed over and over again.

Last night, something was brought up that triggered me into an emotional flashback and I had to calm myself down. When I was in elementary school, Mom would never let me choose my own school clothes. I got called, ā€œBarbie, Goody-two-shoes, etc.ā€ When I expressed my anger about it she said, ā€œThat wasnā€™t your decision to make!ā€ So I asked, ā€œIt wasnā€™t my decision on what I wore to school, but it was my decision on which punishment I received when I got into trouble?ā€ ā€œI made you do that; I donā€™t think so.ā€ ā€œYes. You made me choose between getting beat with a wooden spoon or getting grounded - especially in the summertime.ā€ I told her. ā€œWell, I guess I was a bad mom and everything I did was wrong. Now, Iā€™m gonna lose two daysā€™ sleep ā€˜cause you keep bringing this crap up! Iā€™m trying to take care of a child (she cares for my nephew 24/7), and function like a normal person.ā€ Once again, second-fiddle. Iā€™m not jealous of my nephew because I understand my brother lacks the cognitive capacity to care for him; I just feel there has always been someone or something more important than me to my mom.

Once again, she made it all about her!
Then, I tell her Iā€™m going back to school for a Bachelorā€™s, and she says, ā€œThatā€™s great,ā€ like weā€™re talking about the weather then changes the subject. When I try and explain what itā€™s like when I have an emotional flashback she says, ā€œI already know about all that.ā€

I am all alone in this, and it sucks. My only - true - friend passed in 2011, and my husband is either a narcissist or his E.Q. is -10. So, my therapist is my support system. Thatā€™s it. No one understands or wants to so Iā€™m on my own šŸ˜¢
 
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