One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
February 12, 2021

Yesterday on my way home from taking my husband to work, I saw something green fall out of the sky. I thought it was a falling star, but later learned it was an NEO (Near Earth Object). According to NASA it was an airplane-sized asteroid. 😳 it was the biggest, brightest thing I’ve ever seen! I made a wish, I hope it helps.

Then, I got some good news today. I’m officially full-time status at my job. The hours aren’t gonna be much different, but the benefits are definitely better.

Later, I had a major meltdown because a bunny jumped in front of my car and I hit it. I immediately started crying. I felt horrible. It was dark, and I didn’t see it until the last second. There was no time for me to swerve. I heard it hit the undercarriage, and I couldn’t stop my tears. 😭

Once I got home, I found out our sewer pipe is backed up in the basement again. That means I’ll have to use bottled water to brush my teeth, and my house is gonna stink 😫

I swear the closer it gets to Valentine’s Day, the more anxious I feel. It has more to do with my fear of being let down than the actual day. My husband and I probably haven’t had sex in over a month, and I’m not sure I’m even interested anymore.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 13, 2021

I’m awake and angry. I realize fully now why I try so hard to get others to like me - my mom never let me know I was good enough. My sense of awareness heightened, I notice how people react to me when I talk with them.

For example, my mom came over last night to pick my daughter up for the weekend, and I told her about the asteroid I saw. Her response, “Yeah, I’ve seen one before.” I described how close it was, and how big and bright it was. She just nodded and said, “I know. I just told you I’ve seen one before.” The temp in the room dropped about 10 degrees. All my life I’ve never felt good enough; I’m slowly beginning to understand why.

When I was younger and got in trouble with my mom for something, she gave me a choice: I could be grounded or I could get spanked with a wooden spoon and go back outside. I don’t know what a normal child would choose, but I always picked the spanking - especially during the summer. The fact that I chose to be beaten speaks volumes to me. I understand now I was already programmed to care very little about myself because both of my parents could inflict pain on me without a second thought.

When I was a teenager, I attempted to stand up for myself, but it never got me anywhere. I was “lazy”; according to my mom, “on drugs”; “good for nothin’” and “evil and selfish” according to my dad. Even when I helped out around the house, my mom would point out all the things I didn’t do or redo what was done because it wasn’t “good enough.”

it’s no wonder I don’t recognize or appreciate my accomplishments, and it’s a wonder I’m still functioning. I grew up with narcissistic parents, does that make me one too?
 
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WonderWriter

Confident
February 14, 2021

How much more am I gonna be able to take before I give up?

Yesterday, I picked up a few things for dinner. I sent a text to my husband to ask what we needed (my memory is terrible), but he never responded. So, I got what I could remember and went home. When I got upstairs, he was asleep - as usual. This time however, I got upset because he’d promised earlier that we’d spend time together. I guess I wasn’t important enough for him to wait.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 14, 2021

Gaslighting?


I’m so used to getting upset and my husband walking away that I’m not sure if his reaction was ‘normal’ or dismissive.

I was lying in bed sobbing when he woke up. He came in the room and asked what’s wrong. I said, “If you were looking forward to us spending time together, you should’ve been awake when I got home.” He responds with, “I don’t yell at you when you’re asleep on your days off when I get home.” My days off are: A, not a day before a holiday and B, I don’t promise any ‘special’ time with anyone. I suspect it’s gaslighting so he doesn’t feel guilty, but maybe I’m overreacting?

He didn’t even acknowledge the fact that I was upset 😢
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 16, 2021

Fully experienced Depersonalization this afternoon. I assume it’s been happening for some time but never paid attention until now. I was at lunch, so it was easy to notice. I realize that I’m triggered by a specific sound at work, so I’ll have to remember to ground myself the next time I hear it.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 17, 2021

Received some bad news this morning; my brother’s girlfriend passed away. She was barely in her 40’s. She struggled with social anxiety, depression and was on a self-destructive path. She didn’t commit suicide but self-inflicted damage completed the task for her. It’s sad to think parents don’t realize how their harsh actions affect their children when they grow into adults. When parents see their babies suffering, why do they not do what they ought?
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 18, 2021

“The arms that held and rocked the babe also killed whatever good was left in me.”

I started rewriting my traumatic experiences today, and that phrase came out of me as if I’d always known.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
February 28, 2021

It’s the end of the month; and while most folks are figuring which bills are due, I’m trying to dump two decades worth of a responsibility that was never mine in the first place. I attempted subtly, but he kinda blew that off. I guess I just need to say it, “I’m not and have never been responsible for your life choices! It’s time for both of us to start destroying the tether one link at a time.”
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 5, 2021

I have a to of writing to add; however, I left my notebook at home 😫 I will definitely be posting more at some point, but for now I’ll keep it recent.

I started taking Zoloft Wednesday evening. I slept all day Thursday like I hadn’t slept in eons. I’m surprised my ‘doting’ husband didn’t wake me. He seems to be okay waking me at 5:30 am when I’m nauseous 😡 This morning I wanted to scream as if it were my last breath, “Do you realize how disrespectful and uncaring it is to wake me 4 hours before I need to be and expect me to get you to work without complaint?” But, it happened only in my head. He knew his whispered, “Fu**,” echoing through the kitchen would make me feel guilty enough to get out of bed and take him. Honestly, it’s sad that I allow him such power over me. I should have listened to my terrified gut when he first asked me to move in with him. I should have stayed gone after I moved out, and he made no attempts to contact me. I should have read the warning signs, but I was already hooked. The time has come for me to begin to move forward and figure out my future. I’m certainly not getting better staying in this toxic situation. The only way for me to break free is to pack my stuff and go - one item at a time.

I’m going to start working on a timeline with T; it has to end somehow, it may as well start with me.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
HUGE Decision:

Two days ago, I decided to go back to school. Yesterday, I got accepted into Rochester University for their accelerated Bachelor of Science in Psychology program. Regardless of how anyone close to me feels about it, I’m proud of myself for wanting to gain my independence back 😊
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 14, 2021

I’m a tornado of emotions: anger, frustration, sadness, worthlessness. I just want to be heard, my feelings validated. Anytime I try to express my feelings about my trauma, I’m met with defense, guilt-trips, gaslighting and [“I’m tired of hearing it!] or, “I‘ve already apologized. I guess I’ll be apologizing until I die!” I’m tired of talking about my experiences and my mom or my husband bringing up something worse that they’ve been through. I explain to Mom I have PTSD, and she says, “I have it, too!” Once again making it about her, and making sarcastic remarks like, “I guess I was a bad mom for doing...” I’m so tired of being dismissed over and over again.

Last night, something was brought up that triggered me into an emotional flashback and I had to calm myself down. When I was in elementary school, Mom would never let me choose my own school clothes. I got called, “Barbie, Goody-two-shoes, etc.” When I expressed my anger about it she said, “That wasn’t your decision to make!” So I asked, “It wasn’t my decision on what I wore to school, but it was my decision on which punishment I received when I got into trouble?” “I made you do that; I don’t think so.” “Yes. You made me choose between getting beat with a wooden spoon or getting grounded - especially in the summertime.” I told her. “Well, I guess I was a bad mom and everything I did was wrong. Now, I’m gonna lose two days’ sleep ‘cause you keep bringing this crap up! I’m trying to take care of a child (she cares for my nephew 24/7), and function like a normal person.” Once again, second-fiddle. I’m not jealous of my nephew because I understand my brother lacks the cognitive capacity to care for him; I just feel there has always been someone or something more important than me to my mom.

Once again, she made it all about her!
Then, I tell her I’m going back to school for a Bachelor’s, and she says, “That’s great,” like we’re talking about the weather then changes the subject. When I try and explain what it’s like when I have an emotional flashback she says, “I already know about all that.”

I am all alone in this, and it sucks. My only - true - friend passed in 2011, and my husband is either a narcissist or his E.Q. is -10. So, my therapist is my support system. That’s it. No one understands or wants to so I’m on my own 😢
 
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