One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
March 18, 2021

Finally! I have been heard! I’m not gonna be intimidated anymore. I’m going back to school, I’m getting my independence, and eventually, my life back. I’ve been belittled, degraded, neglected and disrespected for far too long. I understand now what my husband’s ex went through, and I understand why she drank. My husband took her away from her family (isolation) and she was subjected to abuse by not only him but his parents as well. His father is deceased now, but he was an abusive alcoholic and his mother is a malignant narcissist. I’m sure she felt the same as me and worse. I now wish she hadn’t passed away, I’m sure she had answers to a million questions.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 20, 2021

This song is so relatable!

The Fixer by Brent Morgan

She’s a fixer/with no one to fix her. She’s a lover/who won’t love herself. She’s a heartbreak away from a horrible place/‘cause fixers never fix themselves...
 
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WonderWriter

Confident
March 21, 2021

Let the mind games begin...

After telling my husband I am not responsible for getting him to work, he’s being extreeeemely nice to me. We even had sex for the first time in months! However, I’m not going to let him play Gapetto. I’m cutting the puppet strings one by one until he either kicks me and my daughter to the curb or we leave.

Finally, I feel in control of myself. I can say, “No!” I wrote on the calendar for Monday to remind him that he needs to get an Uber to work. I know now that I’m a provider if a benefit - nothing more.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 23, 2021

I feel empty and disgusted today. Now that I understand how I was brainwashed into relying on someone else’s approval, the hard part is going to be undoing it. I was duped at birth by my father and duped while I was dating my husband. My insides churn realizing I was an easy target. I trusted people were good, but I was wrong - so wrong. Having to Beg and plead for love is not love it’s torture! I’ve been subjected to it for almost 22 years, and now I have to find a way to fight and claw my way out!
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 25, 2021

After nearly 25 years of tears; pleading; therapy and the right meds, I realize I no longer love him. I believe - finally - that I deserve better. I told T today that after a physical encounter (brought on as a manipulation tactic), the feelings of love; devotion and admiration I once had have faded into a vast emptiness replaced by anger and disgust. Most of the anger and repulsion directed at myself for ignoring the warning signs my gut kept sending. I no longer need anyone’s approval - I am good enough, pretty enough and intelligent enough to push through on my own. I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m beautiful; I know my heart is good, it’s just been shattered over and over again. I was so blinded by the love-bombing and idealization that I never saw the devaluation coming. In all my life I’ve never felt such void and pain that comes with rejection; neglect and emotional abuse. I never thought in a million years I’d be begging and pleading for love from someone who “says” they do; yet, here I am. I am tired of arguing, playing by his rules, never compromising and explaining the nature of human emotions to an adult. The cards I was dealt as a child do not define me as an adult. It’s time to fold this hand, shuffle the cards and play a new one. Only this time, I’ll use my better judgment when deciding to ante up or bow out. My body is sore, tired and exhausted from holding onto to the pain and abuse. I’ve been clinging to a dream that was nothing but a lie — No more. Once my daughter takes her trip in June, I will be having a conversation about leaving him for good. It may be the end of hope for me and him, but it brings with it a new beginning for me and my daughter without toxicity.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 26, 2021

There is a light switch in my house that triggers me into an emotional flashback; I’ve asked that no one use, but this morning I heard it and jumped out of the bed - ugh! I swear it’s because he’s mad that he has to get himself to work now. Just reminding me that he wants me to have no control. He hasn’t used the thing in months, so why now?
 

WonderWriter

Confident
March 26, 2021

Alone again. I swear the man hates me, or I just bore him. He’s either gone or sleeping when I’m around. It’s looking more and more like it’s time for me to go despite my terrified, anxious heart. I started checking out apartments today, but no one’s gonna rent to me. Between his daughter’s student loans and our combined debt, I’m screwed 😢 That’s what makes it so hard to leave. I don’t know what to do 😭 If I say I’m leaving, the trauma bonding begins or he threatens suicide or uses some other thing to make me feel guilty. Yet, he’s unwilling to change anything or even go to counseling. I’m unhappy and have been for years. The pain I’ve suffered I’d wish on no one. The agonizing emptiness, asking, “What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough? Why doesn’t he love me?” Rejection to the point of feeling worthless, useless and suicidal. Sobbing uncontrollably in the shower until the tears feel more like your life force escaping. The constant sadness, irritation and anger converging on my very soul squeezing what little dignity I have left. I’m exhausted, confused, overwhelmed, horrified and nervous. When I clench my teeth I feel all the damage that’s been done to my heart and mind. How can someone be so selfish and insensitive and say, “I love you,” in the same breath? I’m tired of being second and accused of being first. I’m tired of having to give credit for something he would be doing anyway, and getting chided for being ungrateful. I have suffered, my daughter has suffered - how can he not see? How can anyone with eyes not realize? It’s been 25 years; why didn’t I see?
 
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WonderWriter

Confident
March 31, 2021


Trapped

Squeezed my heart until no breath
Then ripped it from beneath my chest
Imprisoned though I’d done no crime
Made sure what’s yours is never mine

Obey the rules you call the shots
Slim my winnings from your slots
Alone and lonely I should be
You love to watch it killing me
 
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