One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
June 30, 2021

When I said, “I want to shatter the cycle of abuse in my family,” I had no idea the amount of pain, stress and emotional flashbacks it would trigger.

Today, my daughter and I spent the day with my mom shopping. We all had a great time until… I was looking for my ID in my purse to show the cashier for some Non-Alcohol wine I was buying, when my mom said, “Come on, Christmas, then laughed. I immediately yelled, “Stop it, now!” And of course, she said, “It was a joke.” It wasn’t funny when I was a child, it isn’t funny now. I felt myself wanting to flee, but I drove and my daughter was with us. I knew if I didn’t calm down I’d lapse into an emotional flashback. Mom didn’t say a word all the way back to her house. When I got there, I sat on the porch so I could calm down. Lo and behold, she came outside just as I was starting to relax and angrily apologized saying it wasn’t meant as an insult (but it was an insult). Then, I tried explaining how as a child, it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, but she interrupted saying, “I’m sorry for being f-ing responsible for everything in your life. You blame me for everything.” Then, I asked her to stop because I was getting upset, and I told her to shut up (probably not the right thing), but she said, “No! I won’t shut up!” I had to walk away at that point because I started having a panic attack. It was the first time in years, I saw her mask come off. I embarrassed her at the store when I told her to stop, and she made sure I paid for it. I suddenly realized that my mom is truly narcissistic. The person I saw last night was the mother I grew up with - not allowing me to express my feelings because hers were always over something worse, or I just had to go along with whatever she wanted. When I finally move out of my house, I’m going off the grid so I can have a few days of chaos lees, abuseless peace.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
July 1, 2021

Trying to stay positive today because I have an interview this afternoon, but after last night, my eyelids are so swollen that no amount of concealer will hide the pain. I have to someone get back to where I was and pretend to be confident while my insides ache.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
July 26, 2021

Rental inspection passed, landlord handed me the key and said, “Put the utilities in your name and start moving in. I couldn’t spend one more night in that manifestation of negativity and abuse. The peace I needed hasn’t completely arrived, but the silence at night is the most beautiful melody.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
July 27, 2021

With the help and support of family dear friends, things are looking up. I’ve been holding back my opportunity to grieve my marriage, celebrate the end of pain and bask in my accomplishments. I’m more relaxed than I have been in over two decades. Some ends are still loose, but I’m ready. I’m excited for a new beginning: new job, new friends, new neighbors. I’m so grateful for everything every one has done for me. I am truly blessed. There is still pain, I am still slightly broken but the best is yet to come.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
So, I know it’s been awhile but things are amazing atm. I’m moved into my new place, and I finally feel peace. It has been an adjustment period for my daughter and I, but we’re getting through it. The hardest part for me is the lackluster effort by my husband to be a dad. He didn’t hug her goodbye when we left, and it really hurt her. As a mom, the agony of not being able to help her feel better. Her hope was that he’d care more because we left; unfortunately, I knew better. There’s nothing I can do because it’s on him to make the effort. I truly wish for the two of them to have a good relationship - maybe he’ll come to his senses one day.

I truly loved him, or who I thought he was, and now I am forgiving myself for choosing the wrong man to be her dad.

On another note, I’m seeing someone. We’ve been friends and co-workers for the past 3 years. I found out he was interested after I got my new job. He’s been a Godsend. If not for him, I would have been moving everything myself. A bunch of folks from work offered to help me move, including him, and he was the only person who actually did what they said they would.

As far as our relationship, we are both terrified. Neither of us wants to mess things up, so we’re being optimistically cautious. It’s scary for me because he’s affectionate; he listens and is interested in what I say; he does all of the things all else refused to do. We’ve been dating over a month now, and things are calming down - that’s normal isn’t it? I don’t really know what that looks like, and that scares the he** out of me. Even though I’m happy, all sorts of questions swirl around my head: what if it’s not what it seems? What happens when I’m not perfect anymore? We are both broken, but I’m still so very afraid. My guts are not screaming at me to run; I don’t flinch when he touches me; I’m not afraid to touch him, but my head is still questioning.
 
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