One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
May 2, 2021

If I compare my childhood side by side with my marriage, it looks kinda like this:

1. My father never wanted to spend time with me

1a. My husband doesn’t spend time with me

2. My father physically and emotionally abused me

2a. My husband minimizes and invalidates my feelings and emotionally abused me

3. My father was emotionally absent

3a. My husband withholds sex, intimacy and affection

Talk about getting set up to fail 😭
 

WonderWriter

Confident
May 4, 2021

so much of my past co-mingles with my present that I have a hard time processing or hubby does something that amps my symptoms. I hate being trapped in this‘Purgatory’ of healing and not.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
May 5, 2020

I truly understand now what the old adage, “When you love something, let it go,” means. I never thought I would wish for someone to let me go, yet, here I am. I can’t figure out why anyone would want to stay in a relationship with an SO that is unhappy. If the other party is aware they cannot connect, even at a middle ground, why try to salvage an unhealthy relationship? For him, it may be fear of growing old and being alone; I already sacrificed my soul to save our marriage, he isn’t interested in going to counseling, “It’s a waste of time and money.” What choice, then, is left? Being labeled a home wrecker because I chose the pursuit of MY happiness for a change? I’m always putting my needs, feelings, hopes and dreams aside to be there for him and my daughter; I have no problem handling my responsibilities; however, I feel only take from him without any give. Whatever, whenever he can get me to do, he’s happy about it, but when I express my needs he’s angry or defensive. There is no compromise, no deep conversation, no hugs, kisses of passion, no sex; only responsibilities we both have (going to work, chores, dinner, paying bills, etc.), and what he does of those are to, “Show that he loves me.” From my POV, those are menial tasks that every adult must do, not displays of love and affection. I’m a cuddler, a hugger, I still like to make out; When we got together, he told me he liked those things; but once I moved in with him cuddling made him too hot, he wouldn’t kiss me because he had ‘cotton mouth’, he wouldn’t get close to me because he didn’t want to turn me on. What in that description is a marriage worth saving? My logic says, “Nothing.” But, no matter what I said, he always found a way to make me feel guilty so I stayed. Atp, my life is lonely 😞 My best friend of 23 years passed away in 2011, and he always minimizes my grief by saying, “she was my friend, too!” That is true, but we spent time together in school, roller skating, having midnight coffee, playing shopping cart tag at the grocery store, sharing stories of our past; present and what we dreamed for our future, we cried together, supported each other during the tough times, shopped for underwear when we were depressed, we’re each other’s Maids of honor and even dissected a pig’s heart together. He was never a part of those things. Those times were shared as “girl’s time.” They were some of the happiest moments in my life. So, to minimize the pain and devastation of losing the person close enough to be my sister is an atrocity. That isn’t the only time. I suffered a miscarriage in 2002. I ended up in the hospital during a ferocious snowstorm. The nurses encouraged visitors to leave for their safety because it was nearly a whiteout. I thought my husband would stay with me, but he didn’t. His mom drove us there (he is not licensed); so when the nurse asked if he’d like her to set up a cot for him, he said he wasn’t staying because he had to work and wouldn’t be able to sleep there and was worried about his mom driving in that mess by herself. It seemed reasonable at the time, but as I look back on how I felt lying in that hospital room alone, I am sad and hurt. I feel as though I was abandoned at one of the lowest times in my life. I suffered a second miscarriage in 2004. I was seeing a different OB/GYN, and she felt there was a problem because I miscarried both times at 5-1/2 weeks. That one was different than the first because I had to wait a week for my body to realize I was carrying dead tissue. Once I noticed blood, I called my doctor. She told me to see her immediately. So I cleaned up and left; however, I left the dogs outside and the back door wide open. I called my MIL and asked her to leave my husband a message on our answering machine for when he got home from work explaining what happened. He called my cell when he got home and shouted at me like I was lower than dirt. Through tears, I asked if he checked the messages - he didn’t. I told him to call me back once he’s listened and hung up. I was already upset and his yelling only made me feel worse. He called back a few minutes later and apologized, but atp, I didn’t want to talk anymore and just said goodbye. At the doctor’s office, I experienced pain like never before. She wanted to send the remaining tissue to a lab to find out the cause of my losses; she performed a DNC without any anesthetic. I knew it had to be done, so I laid on the table and gently cried as my mom stroked my forehead. The next few days were horrendous. I was depressed and contemplating suicide. Getting up to use the bathroom felt like I was doing boot camp cardio. I hated people, and I hated living. Yet, I received flowers from my husband’s best friend’s wife and was accosted by her and my husband because I didn’t call right away and say thank you. I was told, “You hurt her feelings.” I was grieving, and my tolerance for all things was low. I knew I should have called, but because of my mental state, I couldn’t speak without crying. I didn’t want to subject anyone to that. The following day, I was screamed at again by my husband because I was still in bed when he came home from work. “It’s 4:00 in the afternoon! You need to get off your lazy ass and do something!” That’s when an anger boiled from inside me and I said, “Leave me alone! Don’t come back in here until you can speak to me like I’m a human being!” Then, I covered my head with my blanket and passed out. He’s since apologized, but my heart was already shattered. The longer I stay and the less he’s affectionate, the less I care about him. Around the fall of 2014, he ignored me for nearly 2 years. He’d turn on the TV and I’d go to the bedroom. I’d try initiating conversation, but he wouldn’t engage. I tried initiating sex, he’d reject me. I had never felt despair until then, and these things he says, “You need to get over it. What’s past is past. I don’t wanna hear about it anymore.” Yet, I was traumatized and he’s never changed.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
May 8, 2021

I have got to get out! I just found out that while I was in the hospital having back surgery, my husband was chatting it up with one of his ex girlfriends. The kicker? It was Valentine’s Day. It seems they’ve been chatting all day every day since November 2019. So much for the lie that he has no “friends.”
 
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