One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
December 27, 2020

Progression and regression in the same day?

My mom and I discussed at length the fact that I never felt safe growing up. We both cried guilty tears as our parenting crime is mirrored. I felt better after we talked.

Later that evening, my daughter and I saw “Wonder Woman 1984,” and what did my curious eyes witness? Two themes that hit me in the gut like sour milk. I cried through most of the movie 😭

My melancholia woke up with me this morning, that compelled me to have a talk with my husband. I (tried) gently reminding him that our daughter is hurting inside and that he needs to do more than just talk to her. As soon as I mentioned him making any effort or being responsible for some of her pain, he got defensive. I told him, “I’m not saying you’re a bad person; I’m saying you should have a talk with her and not just tell her how you feel about her, show her you care. She relied on us to keep her safe, and both of us have failed to do so - miserably. Now, whenever you get loud or upset about something, she gets anxious because she’s used to being yelled at by you and your mom. You’ve got to fix your relationship with her.”
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 28, 2020

Looking forward to seeing my T on Wednesday, but dreading it at the same time. I know it’s going to be an over-emotional experience since we’ll be discussing my marriage/family situation.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 29, 2020

Im not sure if he lacks empathy, or the idea of psychology and the way abuse/neglect effects the brain is beyond his understanding. The discussions we’ve had bear no affect on his behavior. I noticed that he kinda told on himself the other night; when I came home from work I heard him snoring, but he said he heard me pull up. Which means he heard me crying for the umpteenth time because I come home to emptiness, but instead of comforting me he covered his tracks 🙄
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 1, 2021

During my last T visit, I was assigned the task of writing about a safe place or object. I’ve always dreamed of being a famous writer, and this would be the place I’d find the best inspiration.

Sunshine and Safety

In my English cottage, I am surrounded by crashing waves from the sea, fresh air, warm sunshine and the largest Lilac bushes ever grown. It is made of strong rock, cedar and, covered in a blanket of ivy, nearly invisible to the world outside. The hardwood floors creak and feel cool beneath my feet. I hear the sound of waterfalls as they cascade down the Mt. Olympus fountain, and I gaze up and smile at the Greek gods and goddesses standing beside Lilith keeping watch over my cozy splendor. I hear water splashing beneath the fountain as the Koi and other freshwater creatures hunt and play. Acres of lush, Irish green are like plush carpet with Poppies and Forget-me-nots growing wildly among the soft grass. Birds sing and puppies wimpier for attention as I stand looking across the beauty of the land.

I turn on the faucet and make a warm bath in the ginormous jacuzzi tub. I pour bubble bath scented like grapefruit to bring me energy. The jetted water surrounding me feel like a warm hug and a massage all at once.

After my bath, I put on a Sherpa robe and sit down in my study to write. I am surrounded by books of every type that bring inspiration and education. Every window is open allowing a gentle, spring breeze to carry in the sentimental fragrance of Lilacs. Every wall is painted bright oranges, greens, pinks and purples to give the atmosphere cheery, peaceful and serene vibes. My king-sized bed holds blankets made with the softest fur, and my three Rottweiler puppies; Mocha, Latte and Espresso are my loyal guards and companions that cuddle close and protect me.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 2, 2021

NO MORE!

I have been the “nice guy” far too long. I’m not their personal secretary! Stop calling me 20 times a day to fix your issues, I’m at work and I’ve said - numerous times - I cannot use my phone while I’m working. Calling me 20 times will not make me answer! Yet, when I return the call, no one answers! Don’t b***h at me via text that this is getting stupid because I’m not available when YOU want me to be! NO MORE! Am I taking on someone else’s problems/responsibilities!
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 2, 2021

NO MORE!

I have been the “nice guy” far too long. I’m not their personal secretary! Stop calling me 20 times a day to fix your issues, I’m at work and I’ve said - numerous times - I cannot use my phone while I’m working. Calling me 20 times will not make me answer! Yet, when I return the call, no one answers! Don’t b***h at me via text that this is getting stupid because I’m not available when YOU want me to be! NO MORE! Am I taking on someone else’s problems/responsibilities!
Sorry for my outburst, but I did a favor for a family member and I feel he thinks he has the right to abuse me because he paid me to help. I finished the favor, but somehow there was a snag and (I feel) he now thinks it’s my responsibility to fix it. He calls me when it’s convenient for him, but I’m always at work when it’s convenient for him and I can’t talk on the phone when I’m working. I know it needs to be fixed, but I also feel like my knowledge is a benefit and I’m only important when he needs to exploit it 🤬
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 3, 2021

I’m feeling pretty good today. I actually felt some heartfelt empathy from my husband last night. I think he’s beginning to understand what I’m dealing with. My T said I need to hold on to small moments of joy, so that I will do and see if it leads to more.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 9, 2021

I may have been sewn from the same cloth, and I may have been biologically born the same as most people but the end result is extremely unique. I have physical defects like a double-rib, an MTHFR mutation and a chromosomal defect that affected my ability to have children. However, the psychological affects created by my parents is far worse than any biological flaw.

For example, whenever someone (my mom or husband, in particular) makes an attempt to talk over me or minimize my experience, I immediately see it as them taking my power away and I react aggressively. I feel as if I’m being dismissed or told I shouldn’t interrupt because they feel whatever they say is more important than anything I need to discuss. I also get triggered when someone (my husband) disregards the fact that I am asleep and leans over me which ignites an emotional response (a flashback) complete with the smell of either burnt or fried chicken. I get upset when I hear the elongated beeping sound of the freezer at work being left open too long.

To me, my reactions to normal sights, smells and sounds seem extremely abnormal. It’s as if I’m from another planet and I feel strange and alone. At times, I cry without warning and others I quietly disappear into my headspace and lose track of seconds, minutes and sometimes hours at a time. Other times, I just want to sleep so I can withdraw from life in general. I would love to stay in my place of sunshine and safety, but reality dictates that I have obligations. Most of my responsibilities I accept without question; motherhood and employment. One of my obligations, waking up at 5:30am (even on my days off) so my husband can get to work because he chose not to become licensed, is harder to swallow than a sword. Yet, he’s attempted to gaslight me into believing it’s my responsibility to get him to work “for us.” I almost believed him until a signal went off in my brain, “How are you responsible for his life choices?”

I am a conscientious, responsible person and follow through on all of my duties when physically possible; however, I’ve also accomplished many tasks when it should’ve been physically impossible and no one bothered to assist me when I needed it most. Once again, I was dismissed just as my father did when I was growing up. For instance, around three years ago I started having trouble with my back. I woke up one morning, and I could barely walk. There were shooting pains surging from my lower back all the way down to my feet, and I could hardly move, let alone, stand up straight. However, I still drove my husband to work that morning and got myself in to see the doctor. There was no empathy from him because the very next day, I was expected to drive him to work regardless of the amount of pain I was in. Thankfully, things got better and I was pain free for about a year. Then, I started having pain again. At first, it was only when I’d sit for too long; but then, it gradually turned into constant pain. Despite the fact that I ended up walking like Quasi Modo, I was still expected (and managed) to drive my husband to work every day. I felt used and I was angry all the time. The angrier I became, the more he withdrew and eventually didn’t relate to me at all for nearly two years.

During that time I constantly asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” I was lonely, miserable, desperate and suicidal. He didn’t seem to notice. I used to sob in the shower and hope the water would wash away the terrible emotions I felt. I existed only in a physical sense, and I didn’t feel I existed at all to him. Whenever I tried to be affectionate, he rejected me; whenever I tried to be intimate, he rejected me. A maelstrom of emotions spewed from me. I didn’t know at the time I was having emotional flashbacks of my father pushing me off his lap anytime I tried to sit with him.

So I may have been sewn with the same thread biologically, but the variance in color is what makes my experiences my own to bear.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
Monster

I am no princess
I must confess
I’m a monster
In a prom dress

I lurk in shadows
High and low
I can hide
In plain site
You’d never know

I am no princess
As you can see
I’m the ugliest
Monster never seen
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 10, 2020

What do I have to do have peace when I ask for it?!

Today is the first day of my vacation. All I asked was to let me sleep in! Yet, at 9:30, he decided to play with our 4 pet rats in my room, which got them all wound up and woke me in the process. “I didn’t think I was being that loud. The critters were making all the noise.” Seriously?! He’s gonna lay his eff-up on our animals?!

I feel so dismissed and disrespected. 😢
 

WonderWriter

Confident
January 11, 2020

I’m learning the hard way what emotional abuse looks and feels like. I’ve been subjected to it my entire life, but I’ve never been so aware before.

This morning, my husband lied to me and I caught him, but he continued lying. Backstory: we rarely have sex or intimacy of any kind, so I suggested he see the doctor. At first, he said doc wasn’t available until January 15 but never said he made an appointment. When I asked if he ever managed to get in with the doctor, he said, “I told you I had an appointment on the 15th.” Last night, I asked what time he needed to be at the doctor’s office, and he said (stammering), “I don’t know, I think it’s like 1:30.” I suspected he never made an appointment. This morning, he sends a text saying his appointment is canceled because the doctor has a family emergency and he’ll be, “...out of the country for at least a week or so.” So I called the doctors office to ask what time my husband’s appointment is for the 15th, and the receptionist told me he was never on the schedule to see the doctor.

After hearing this, I asked my husband to quit lying about his appointment because I know he never made one. His response, “What are you talking about?” I tell him he doesn’t have to lie because I called the office. He says, “Yes I did! I canceled the appointment myself because I got scared. I’m sorry. I’m afraid of what he might find, okay?” After which point, I told him the office confirmed he was never scheduled.

I may have issues, but I haven’t lost my mind yet. For two months, I was lied to (strung along) about this appointment. Now, I wonder what else he’s lied about. Now I’m questioning everything about our marriage; his band road trips, possible escapades at the bar when I wasn’t there... this is truly emotional abuse - or maybe I’m wrong??
 
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WonderWriter

Confident
January 11, 2020

I’m learning the hard way what emotional abuse looks and feels like. I’ve been subjected to it my entire life, but I’ve never been so aware before.

This morning, my husband lied to me and I caught him, but he continued lying. Backstory: we rarely have sex or intimacy of any kind, so I suggested he see the doctor. At first, he said doc wasn’t available until January 15 but never said he made an appointment. When I asked if he ever managed to get in with the doctor, he said, “I told you I had an appointment on the 15th.” Last night, I asked what time he needed to be at the doctor’s office, and he said (stammering), “I don’t know, I think it’s like 1:30.” I suspected he never made an appointment. This morning, he sends a text saying his appointment is canceled because the doctor has a family emergency and he’ll be, “...out of the country for at least a week or so.” So I called the doctors office to ask what time my husband’s appointment is for the 15th, and the receptionist told me he was never on the schedule to see the doctor.

After hearing this, I asked my husband to quit lying about his appointment because I know he never made one. His response, “What are you talking about?” I tell him he doesn’t have to lie because I called the office. He says, “Yes I did! I canceled the appointment myself because I got scared. I’m sorry. I’m afraid of what he might find, okay?” After which point, I told him the office confirmed he was never scheduled.

I may have issues, but I haven’t lost my mind yet. For two months, I was lied to (strung along) about this appointment. Now, I wonder what else he’s lied about. Now I’m questioning everything about our marriage; his band road trips, possible escapades at the bar when I wasn’t there... this is truly emotional abuse - or maybe I’m wrong??
I feel like a piece of bubble gum stuck on cement. You scrape me off, and I’m still bubble gum, but if you chew me I’m poison. 😢😭
 
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