One Trauma at a Time

WonderWriter

Confident
December 8, 2020

Sometimes, I just wanna be left alone.

I work hard during the week pushing 100+ pound trolleys around a 700,00 sq. Ft. Store - multiple times a day - so when I have a day off I just want to rest. Yet, he sends our daughter to do the dirty deed of waking me from my nap (maybe dissociation) to pick him up from work 😫 Then, throws her under the bus b/c she wants Wendy’s - uh-uh, I’m not buying that excuse. I’m more angry about him twisting the truth than any

Some days I feel like nothing more than a servant - how could I have been okay with this for so many years?!

I enlightened him of the fact that my daughter has GAD b/c of his and my MIL’s random outbursts. I trusted the two of them to love and care for her, but instead she was belittled and degraded for things she wasn’t aware were wrong. All of it done when I wasn’t home, so they didn’t have to deal with me protecting her.

Guilt doesn’t even begin to describe how awful I feel for marrying into the same madness I wanted so badly to avoid. The emotional and verbal abuse she’s suffered (and still suffers) is my fault. Being financially cornered is my fault! How could I have been so blind and selfish. I broke my own childhood promise that my kids would not suffer like I did 🥲🥲🥲
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 10, 2020

Did something (well, my parents did) for me today - I got my hair done 😀 it’s been in desperate need for awhile! It’s part of my Christmas gift. The next part is covering the strands of hair reflecting my age 😂

Today went okay. I don’t feel melancholy anymore, but still a bit outside of myself. It’s as if I’m on a parallel plane or watching myself from a mirror. I just felt strange, and I’m not sure if that’s a good way to describe it.

I guess I should be glad that my husband’s emotional absence is consistent because it’s the one thing I can depend on right now.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 11, 2020

Christmas is very near, and still my favorite holiday; but this year is different. I feel as though something is amiss. It’s not because of COVID, there’s an element missing that used to be with me - inside me - that’s disappeared. My heart used to feel full this time of year because the celebration was shared - now, it feels lifeless and empty. Even Charlie Brown makes me sad.

I am married, yet so agonizingly alone.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 18, 2020

I met with my therapist on Wednesday; I shed some tears but felt fine afterwards. However, I had no idea how emotionally challenging life was about to become.

I went about the rest of my day just lazing until I had to pick my husband up from work. Usually, I play bingo on my phone and he opens the back passenger door. Only this time, he opened the driver’s side passenger door and it startled me. The tears immediately burst forth, drowning my face. Then, I did something I used to do when I was younger - I hid behind my hands. Thankfully, T and I discussed grounding that day! It helped bring me back to 2020! The rest of the night was a bit better because I kept busy wrapping presents.

The following day, though, my mind was in a fog. I just wanted to curl up with a warm cup of coffee and cry, but I was working so I had to swallow that huge lump until lunchtime; but, I got through it 😊
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 19, 2020

What do you say to the person who’s just figured out they’ve been used, abused and treated like a doormat for 43 of their 46 years of life?

My mind often disappears into a black mist; there are red bubbles randomly floating with snippets of events and it takes significant effort to bring myself back because I feel every sting, every tear and every urge to disappear. Why was I destined to be dismissed?
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 22, 2020

I let my mind wander at work - I wish I hadn’t. I remembered that my mom used to call me “Christmas.” She always yelled at me for being too slow when I was a kid. I’m always hyper aware that I’m slower than most of my co-workers, but today I actually felt anxious like I was gonna get in trouble. I had to take a break, cry for a few minutes then I bought myself a White Chocolate Mocha. A few of my co-workers hugged me - that helped a ton! I was feeling very unloved and hating myself; I’m so grateful for those ladies 😊
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 23, 2020

I realize now, I was never safe growing up. When I was left with my dad, he beat me; when I stayed with other family, they had a mental breakdown and wanted to shatter every piece of glassware they owned; when left with another aunt, abused by a stranger; when with Mom, she went out drinking and left me with babysitters (a couple of them made me do sex stuff). Any time I was at home, I was playing in my closet. My mom was a critic, dad was a bully, his sister a jealous bully, my step-mom a sadist, my husband emotionally and physically unavailable, my daughter has GAD and the cycle continues. Why have I lived life so powerless, that I couldn’t spare my daughter 🤬 I’m so angry with myself; at the same time, I’m angry at my parents. Why is it okay to treat a child like they don’t have feelings when sh*t hits the fan? They are the ones who are helpless and left without a voice because they lack life experience and their cognitive abilities are still developing. My father had no empathy when I was sexually abused; he was happy it happened so he had something to use against my mom in court 😡 No one was there to soothe me because the same or worse happened to them. No wonder I was such an easy target for the bullies at school! I hated my existence, I never felt important enough for anyone to pay attention to me - and the ones who did just insulted me and made me feel worse.

I remember walking at the playground in my puffy, purple coat with neon orange lining and hearing the boys yell, “Look at that coat! Your momma too poor to buy you a real one?” I ignored them and stared at the gravel. I couldn’t let them see me cry or they’d say worse. The sad part, what they said was true. Everyone knew where I lived - at that time - the saddest looking house on the block. The white paint was peeling, the garage next to it looked like Leather Face’s workshop and I had to walk past the thing to get to the stairs to our flat. The worst part, you could see the place from the school. It stuck out like a broken bone ripped through skin. Even though the place looks different now, I see it as it was - house of my horrors.

I believe my soul still lives in the house where I grew up; ironically enough, it resembles a place of nightmares. The paint on the aluminum siding is so faded, the sun’s rays reflect off it. The wooden shutters, once a beautiful oak tone, are white as a ghost. Maybe if I go there, it will recognize me and replace the shell I’ve become.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 23, 2020

Mamet with my therapist this morning. We discussed many things from the past, and she feels I’m progressing well. However, I feel our next meeting will be even harder because she wants to talk about the present - my marriage. There’s so much to work on, but much of it isn’t on me to fix. A simple solution has been hanging in the air; I feel if it was important to him he’d have taken care of it by now instead of mentioning it every now and again to pacify me. It’s as if he does something for me (it’s really more for him), he’s giving in or “kissing my arse.” His putting off clearly states, “Our marriage isn’t important enough.” Which is completely contradictory when he says, “I love you and will do anything for you.” He refuses to compromise on anything; his needs are always first on his mind. The last time we made love, I cried because it had been so long since he’d shown any kind of affection toward me. That was probably months ago.

I have honestly sat in my car sobbing and wondering, “what is wrong with me?” Maybe he’s with someone else and won’t admit it. I have no way to prove that theory, but he hides his phone and deletes all of his texts. So, there’s that, but nothing concrete. The song, “Monster” by Meg Myers describes our marriage well. I’ve honestly felt every word in the the lines, “Oh, what it takes out of me to lay by your side. Oh, and it aches and it aches, you make me wanna die.”
 

WonderWriter

Confident
December 26, 2020

I hoped I’d get through Christmas without an episode, but alas, my hypersensitivity kicked in! I’m aware now that my parents always went through worse, so my feelings never mattered; hence, “I never mattered.” It’s no wonder I’ve thrown my own feelings away, I continued the trench already dug for me.
 
Top