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January 12, 2020 I’ve finally exposed the elephant in the room. No more will I allow the puppetry to continue. I see it for what it is and when it happens. The toxic shame is not my burden to bear, and the emotional abuse I see with fresh eyes (and ears). January 13, 2020 Went to bed at a...

I feel like a piece of bubble gum stuck on cement. You scrape me off, and I’m still bubble gum, but if you chew me I’m poison. 😢😭

My T asked me to make a list of things that trigger me so we can try and figure out what specific events they might relate to. For example, my husband was looking for something on my bed and when I felt his weight next to me, I smelled fresh, cooked meat. That never happened before, but I told...

January 11, 2020 I’m learning the hard way what emotional abuse looks and feels like. I’ve been subjected to it my entire life, but I’ve never been so aware before. This morning, my husband lied to me and I caught him, but he continued lying. Backstory: we rarely have sex or intimacy of any...

January 10, 2020 What do I have to do have peace when I ask for it?! Today is the first day of my vacation. All I asked was to let me sleep in! Yet, at 9:30, he decided to play with our 4 pet rats in my room, which got them all wound up and woke me in the process. “I didn’t think I was...

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’ve endured. I hope you are able to gain some peace and happiness. 🤗 hugs

Thank you for this. I know I struggle with shame for things I’ve experienced and things I’ve done and do currently whenever I’m triggered by something. I’ve only been in therapy about a month, so I haven’t even begun the hard work yet. However, I’m more aware when I am triggered which helps...

Monster I am no princess I must confess I’m a monster In a prom dress I lurk in shadows High and low I can hide In plain site You’d never know I am no princess As you can see I’m the ugliest Monster never seen

January 9, 2021 I may have been sewn from the same cloth, and I may have been biologically born the same as most people but the end result is extremely unique. I have physical defects like a double-rib, an MTHFR mutation and a chromosomal defect that affected my ability to have children...

January 3, 2021 I’m feeling pretty good today. I actually felt some heartfelt empathy from my husband last night. I think he’s beginning to understand what I’m dealing with. My T said I need to hold on to small moments of joy, so that I will do and see if it leads to more.

Sorry for my outburst, but I did a favor for a family member and I feel he thinks he has the right to abuse me because he paid me to help. I finished the favor, but somehow there was a snag and (I feel) he now thinks it’s my responsibility to fix it. He calls me when it’s convenient for him...

January 2, 2021 NO MORE! I have been the “nice guy” far too long. I’m not their personal secretary! Stop calling me 20 times a day to fix your issues, I’m at work and I’ve said - numerous times - I cannot use my phone while I’m working. Calling me 20 times will not make me answer! Yet...

January 1, 2021 During my last T visit, I was assigned the task of writing about a safe place or object. I’ve always dreamed of being a famous writer, and this would be the place I’d find the best inspiration. Sunshine and Safety In my English cottage, I am surrounded by crashing waves from...

December 29, 2020 Im not sure if he lacks empathy, or the idea of psychology and the way abuse/neglect effects the brain is beyond his understanding. The discussions we’ve had bear no affect on his behavior. I noticed that he kinda told on himself the other night; when I came home from work I...

December 28, 2020 Looking forward to seeing my T on Wednesday, but dreading it at the same time. I know it’s going to be an over-emotional experience since we’ll be discussing my marriage/family situation.

Not insensitive at all. Thank you for the insight. I wanted to think positive even though I’m dealing with trauma and abuse past and present.

December 27, 2020 Progression and regression in the same day? My mom and I discussed at length the fact that I never felt safe growing up. We both cried guilty tears as our parenting crime is mirrored. I felt better after we talked. Later that evening, my daughter and I saw “Wonder Woman...

December 26, 2020 I hoped I’d get through Christmas without an episode, but alas, my hypersensitivity kicked in! I’m aware now that my parents always went through worse, so my feelings never mattered; hence, “I never mattered.” It’s no wonder I’ve thrown my own feelings away, I continued the...

I hope everyone has blessed holidays, and a wonderful new year 🤗

@ms spock you as well

As I work through and process my trauma, I know I am not alone in having dealt with cruel people and a harsh existence. So HUGE HUGS to you for your courage in living through it, and your strength to work within to a better life 🤗

December 23, 2020 Mamet with my therapist this morning. We discussed many things from the past, and she feels I’m progressing well. However, I feel our next meeting will be even harder because she wants to talk about the present - my marriage. There’s so much to work on, but much of it isn’t...

I’m making progress. Thank you for asking. Still processing things and suddenly remembering others, but I’ve been sleeping a bit better.

December 23, 2020 I realize now, I was never safe growing up. When I was left with my dad, he beat me; when I stayed with other family, they had a mental breakdown and wanted to shatter every piece of glassware they owned; when left with another aunt, abused by a stranger; when with Mom, she...

December 22, 2020 I let my mind wander at work - I wish I hadn’t. I remembered that my mom used to call me “Christmas.” She always yelled at me for being too slow when I was a kid. I’m always hyper aware that I’m slower than most of my co-workers, but today I actually felt anxious like I was...