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A good nights sleep broken only be a couple of nightmares but I managed to brush them off and go back to sleep quickly. I am zoning out just writing this so I hope my brain wakes up soon. My anxiety is very low this morning. I have a few things on my to do list but they are all easily...

Silence. Sound is very important to me. Hours locked away in the dark taught me to rely on my hearing since my sight was no longer useful. I am now sensitive to noises, picking up on every little thing and it is one of the things that pushes me over the edge quickest or drives me back to my...

I didn't write this morning, I didn't feel like it but I am a bit better after a visit from my friend. Everything seems so distant after last nights mess. I am thinking, I am aware but there is nothing else. I think at the moment I am in shut down mode, everything is too much so I am staying...

Empty is a word I have used here before but now my emptiness is filled with grief. Grief I never allowed myself to feel at the time but that now fills me, top to bottom with an aching I have never known. I wasn't far along, I had only just found out myself and had yet to decide what I would do...

Two zone outs already. Every time anything remotely triggering happens my brain wanders off or if I stop and let myself relax for even a moment it's gone. Too tired for this.

Up earlier as I am on cat sitting duty. I feel a bit bad for the dogs for the last couple of days because I haven't been around much but it has been good to keep busy seeing people. Last nights bad moment was very bad, I don't remember a huge amount of it just lots of fear and pain. I know one...

Great evening tonight. Had one bad moment but the rest of it was good apart from the odd zoning moment. I came back from the bad moment though, with help, and ended the evening on a good note. Also got home and found my bracelets straight away. :) Happy me.

Sat down at lunch. The morning has been ok but I am tired. No flashbacks but my wrist is still feeling pressure and I cannot find my bracelets that help. Memories popping up in my head keep distracting me and throwing me off. I had got better at ignoring them but it isn't working as well today...

I have been avoiding writing about anything substantial the last two days. I decided to take a break but I think I should write now. The last few days I keep having a certain memory pop up in my head. It isn't a flashback, I know I am not there again and I don't get as worked up about them but...

The rest of the afternoon yesterday was hard, I did some strimming which gave me something I could do without people approaching me. My manager spoke to me about our up and coming open day. I had said I would like to help if possible but if she didn't feel they could make it a safe enough...

Pretending to be me. For the last three days I have been myself except for the occasional few hours of fake me but now I am back at work and my mask is back on. I am tiring already and I am fed up of not being myself. So the real me is a bit of a mess, zone outs, flashbacks, foggy memory, dodgy...

Sleeping better, that is good, I bounce back a bit better from zone outs and flashbacks when I have had sleep. The zone outs have become a very common part of my day, my brain switches off and I wander away in my head. It is almost addictive, that feeling of moving away from all of this, getting...

View from my back garden.

I'm in the dark again. My hands are tied. I can't remember getting here but I'm not wearing much. The back of my head hurts. I think he went too far this time. There is something sticky there, where the lump is, I think it's blood but it's dark and I can't see. I strain to hear, is he out...

I am beginning to realise I wear my mask like armour. When I am wearing it I am hidden behind it's barrier, shielded from the things around me. Over the course of the day it takes a battering, a dent here, a split there. Allowing small amounts of harm to come to me. Sometimes it protects me...

Doctors went ok, there isn't much she can really do now except adjust medication if needed. She has increased my tablets to help me sleep and wants to see me again after my first appointment with the trauma service. Popped round Dad's after for dinner. Nothing quite like a home cooked meal...

He got angry, I ran and hid. I knew I shouldn't but he had been angry all week and I couldn't take anymore. I didn't go far, I was in too much pain from the other injuries. He grabbed me and dragged me out of my hiding place, in to his house, shoving me to the floor in the kitchen and telling me...

I think you should be proud of yourself @Wolvescry you recognised it might trigger you, stopped it when it did and continued on after. I bet you couldn't have done that a while ago. I was choked, regularly, a couple of times now my friends have caught me mid flashback clawing at my throat to...

It's there all the time. This memory, constantly lingering, waiting. I just can't get it to leave me alone. Darkness. Trapped. So tired, it just keeps pushing. It's taking everything in me to not let it take over, my hands want to shake, my heart rate keeps rising, every now and then my...

Up at 4am, there are some nightmares it is just not worth trying to go to sleep after. I will take the dogs for a walk in a minute and see if I can clear my head. One more day at work before three days off. I am on field today, I am trying no to stress about it but I so struggle on there...

Buzzing! A thunderstorm hit and I got really triggered. With the help of my friend I managed to ground successfully. I reached out and she helped so much! I know why it triggered me, he shut me in the cupboard during storms, he knew how much I dislike loud noises and shut me away. There was a...

So tired, fighting the darkness, stopping the flashback. Every time I go in to a room and the door clicks shut behind me I feel like I am slipping back there. Every time I force myself back, ground myself here but I am so tired. Reliving this over and over today is too much, I can only fight it...

Woke up this morning with my breathing all over the place and it took me a minute or two to calm down enough to take in where I was. I don't know what sparked it. When I did finally sleep I actually got a few straight hours but I stayed in the living room rather than trying to go in to my...

I should go to sleep, I am very tired but I really can't seem to settle enough. The dogs are fed up of me and keep dropping hints about going to bed. This trapped feeling just won't leave and then when it gets worse the edges of my vision start to go black. If I let it the darkness would take...

No rest, no peace. Keep seeing the dark, everything goes black, walls are closing in. Trapped. So tired. Can't handle this.