Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Sleeping better, that is good, I bounce back a bit better from zone outs and flashbacks when I have had sleep. The zone outs have become a very common part of my day, my brain switches off and I wander away in my head. It is almost addictive, that feeling of moving away from all of this, getting a brief respite from the pressure in my head. Sometimes though I go to the wrong places and end up there, in the dark, in pain, with them.

I am tired even though I have slept but I am here at least, mostly due to my friend coming up to check on me, forcing me up and out of the place I had allowed myself to go. Sometimes it's easier to let go though rather than fight it all the time.

Enough rambling from me.

Today's aim: Pop in to town and get some more food.

 

[Wyakin]

Pretending to be me. For the last three days I have been myself except for the occasional few hours of fake me but now I am back at work and my mask is back on. I am tiring already and I am fed up of not being myself. So the real me is a bit of a mess, zone outs, flashbacks, foggy memory, dodgy vision, lack of concentration etc. but at least it is me.

It grates on me, hurts me to pretend I am ok when I am not. I want to rip it off and scream but I cannot, I must be acceptable to those around me whatever the cost to me.

My mask shows a happy face while inside I am crying, quaking with fear, so afraid, jumpy, sad. I cannot even relax around my friend. I hate this.

 

[Wyakin]

The rest of the afternoon yesterday was hard, I did some strimming which gave me something I could do without people approaching me. My manager spoke to me about our up and coming open day. I had said I would like to help if possible but if she didn't feel they could make it a safe enough environment for me then I would go up to my house while it was on. Having looked at the stalls she has said I am better off going home. I don't mind, I'm a little bit disappointed because there are quite a few people who I only see at these events to catch up with but then I don't know how I would cope with them at the moment so it makes sense really.

I kept losing it in the afternoon, my friend helped keep with it but it shouldn't be down to her to do that, I just can't help it when I am so tired. I really need to keep my barriers up because I am at work not at home. I just get so tired it's hard to keep control. Still I shouldn't put that on her so I will do my best to keep myself masked at work and only relax in my free time.

I went out last night and had an ok evening although I was knackered! It was good to see my friends and I told another one of my close friends about what was going on. She's a very practical person and went at it from that angle but she didn't judge me or shun me so that is good.

Slept like a log last night, only waking up when the thunderstorm got very loud. Have to admit I wasn't sure if that was real or not when I woke up this morning, I could have dreamed it... but it is all over Facebook so obviously it was real. Although I slept I am still pretty drowsy this morning but I am hoping a busy day at work will wake me up. No volunteers today so we get to walk all the dogs ourselves.

Off out to see my friend this evening, really looking forward to it. Busy busy busy!

I am numb today but the pressure on my wrist is there still. Everything I don't want to think about is back behind a wall at the moment, I just hope it holds. It's the waves of anxiety that really get to me, I can be sat there fine one minute then something makes a noise and that's it, anxiety through the roof. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to sound.

 

[Wyakin]

I have been avoiding writing about anything substantial the last two days. I decided to take a break but I think I should write now.

The last few days I keep having a certain memory pop up in my head. It isn't a flashback, I know I am not there again and I don't get as worked up about them but it does distract me and make me more jumpy.

The memory is of number 3 kicking me. I am on the floor and it is dark. I can't see because my face is so swollen and bruised. I can't defend myself from his foot because I can't see it coming. He keeps kicking and kicking. Stamping on my ribs. I feel them break under his boot and he just keeps going.

Not being able to see it coming made it worse. Not knowing where the next blow would land and not being able to do anything to stop it.

This pops up in my head whenever it fancies. I know I am staring in this present as I watch the memory in my head but I can't seem to make it go away. I suppose I should just be grateful it doesn't come as a flashback but it is very distracting.

 

[Wyakin]

Sat down at lunch. The morning has been ok but I am tired. No flashbacks but my wrist is still feeling pressure and I cannot find my bracelets that help. Memories popping up in my head keep distracting me and throwing me off. I had got better at ignoring them but it isn't working as well today.

Struggling to hold myself together, I just feel so empty it's like if I stopped concentrating I'd just break apart and disappear.

 

[Wyakin]

Great evening tonight. Had one bad moment but the rest of it was good apart from the odd zoning moment. I came back from the bad moment though, with help, and ended the evening on a good note.

Also got home and found my bracelets straight away.

:) Happy me.

 

[Wyakin]

Up earlier as I am on cat sitting duty. I feel a bit bad for the dogs for the last couple of days because I haven't been around much but it has been good to keep busy seeing people.

Last nights bad moment was very bad, I don't remember a huge amount of it just lots of fear and pain. I know one of the memories was being hit with a bar, it looked like towel rail pole, for being late. I wasn't late by much but it was enough to make him angry. I had to wear long sleeved tops for a couple of weeks to cover the bruises. The rest of it is just a blur but I went from one to the other to the other. I sort of remember coming back sometimes but only because my friend was there, sometimes I got as much awareness as knowing she was holding my hands but sometimes all I got was a sense of her presence before I went back to the memories.

It does make it easier having someone there to come back to, I come round so much faster and calm down quicker. On my own I can be in and out for hours with only high anxiety and panic in between. I do wish though that no one had to see me like that and because of that one of the first things I say as I come round is sorry. I know I shouldn't because it's not in my control but I still feel the need to say it.

I'm tired and I ache this morning from last night. The constant pretending to be ok drains me but I still prefer to be at work and busy than at home. I just wish sometimes I could stop and let myself go with no recourse but alone, I am too afraid and with someone, I am too worried about the affect it has on them so it comes out in trickles when in fact there is a whole lake waiting to be released behind that wall.

A busy day dog walking should take my mind off of things. Then a visit from Dad before I head up to sort the cats out again. I won't try writing the bar memory, it is too painful at the moment, maybe in a day or two.

 

[Wyakin]

Two zone outs already. Every time anything remotely triggering happens my brain wanders off or if I stop and let myself relax for even a moment it's gone. Too tired for this.

 

[Wyakin]

Empty is a word I have used here before but now my emptiness is filled with grief. Grief I never allowed myself to feel at the time but that now fills me, top to bottom with an aching I have never known.

I wasn't far along, I had only just found out myself and had yet to decide what I would do but he knew, he always knew. He was nice to me that day, friendly, chatting. The L I had first fallen for. He asked me if I wanted to come to his house after school, never truly a question as he would take me there whether I wanted to or not but this time it felt different. I agreed.

We walked to his house together, I thought maybe I would tell him, let him in on my secret. His parents were away, somewhere on the south coast, I don't remember where exactly. I do remember he had the house to himself. I had told my parents I was staying with a friend, at 17 they didn't really question who they just left me to it.

The minute we were in the door he turned on me. The anger in his face, the accusation as he pinned me to the door by my throat, "You have been keeping a secret from me, bitch." For the first time in a long time I was truly afraid of him, no longer numb to his assaults and rapes I feared him and what he might do.

"I won't let you keep it you know." Still pinned against the door I couldn't fight. His fist hit me in the stomach, one hand on my throat, the other punching me over and over. I tried to fight and protect myself but I couldn't. Dots clouded my vision, he was cutting off my air, I couldn't breathe, the pain in my abdomen excruciating and then nothing, blackness, the mental safety of blacking out.

When I came to I thought he still had hold of my throat, it was just the bruising where he had held me but that wasn't the worst of it. Blood pooled around me, I knew what it was. The cramps held me incapable of moving for hours as they helped me pass the tiny part of us that had begun to form.

Eventually they eased and the bleeding stopped. Sometime in the early hours I managed to drag myself to the shower and clean myself up. I knew he would be mad at the mess so I started cleaning it up, numbing myself to what it was I clearing away.

The next morning he glared at me as he came downstairs and looked at the area where he had left me. He kicked me and told me to get his breakfast. When I struggled to get up he spat and told me to sit back down since I was going to take so long he would get it himself.

I spent the rest of the day on his sofa, much to his disgust, in and out of cramping until eventually it eased and I was able to walk home. My parents noticed there was something wrong but I told them I just had some dodgy food, my guess is they assumed I was hungover or something.

I was sick for a long time after that, anaemia took away my energy to. No one even questioned it. So I carried on in silence pretending nothing had happened. I only got two days break before he wanted it again whether it hurt me or not.

 

[Wyakin]

I didn't write this morning, I didn't feel like it but I am a bit better after a visit from my friend. Everything seems so distant after last nights mess. I am thinking, I am aware but there is nothing else. I think at the moment I am in shut down mode, everything is too much so I am staying away from it. It isn't autopilot, it is different. Even the dogs are quiet.

I cleaned my house this morning, anything to keep my mind busy. The urges to hurt myself were getting too much and I do not want to give in to them so I cleaned. I feel better for it and they have settled some now.

Hoping to get back to myself at some point this afternoon, I don't like this feeling. I feel muffled, it's the only word I can think of, like my brain is stuffed with cotton wool.

 

[Wyakin]

Silence.

Sound is very important to me. Hours locked away in the dark taught me to rely on my hearing since my sight was no longer useful.

I am now sensitive to noises, picking up on every little thing and it is one of the things that pushes me over the edge quickest or drives me back to my memories.

I love music, I would listen to it all day everyday if I could. I used to get ear infections when I was younger, really nasty ones that rendered me deaf in the affected ear. My parents always knew when I had one because I would sleep through my alarm unable to hear it ring since I could only sleep on my good ear. Sometimes the infection would spread and for a few days I would be hard of hearing. I hated it. I still get infections sometimes that make my hearing bad and it drives me to distraction not being able to pick up on what I normally do when I have become so reliant on it.

It has helped me in someways to keep out of flashbacks. I can often still hear the present even when I am seeing the past but sometimes it is a double edged sword making me too sensitive to the noises around me resulting in me easily getting overloaded.

When I am struggling everything is too loud, people speaking, doors shutting, locks clicking. All too much. Even when I am not struggling I am very reactive to noises, I can't help it, it is an ingrained part of me.

Maybe it is something I can learn to harness to keep me grounded. I do play music and I does help but I cannot have it too loud incase it blocks out any noises I need to hear like people approaching. I also know that I am make responsive to my name. It's something I hear, even through the memories because the name I use now is not the one I used then.

 

[Wyakin]

A good nights sleep broken only be a couple of nightmares but I managed to brush them off and go back to sleep quickly. I am zoning out just writing this so I hope my brain wakes up soon.

My anxiety is very low this morning. I have a few things on my to do list but they are all easily accomplished so I'm feeling confident. I am going to try to be brave and visit the big tesco's in town and do a food shop. I just need to keep my concentration up as that is definitely lacking this morning, don't want to get caught staring blankly at the baked beans or something.

Today's aim: Big tesco's food shop.