Other Help! Dissociation, Misophonia, PGAD, Sexual Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse… OH MY!

I don’t know where to start…
For now, I would like to remain anonymous as I still feel crazy and I don’t trust myself; I have a lot of self doubt and I don’t want to make myself look out to be a fool!

This is going to be a long thread.. So, if you really want to join this roller coaster of a ride— BUCKLE UP. I’ve written a lot over the years, so this is going to bounce from my experience of growing up with an emotionally/mentally abusive paranoid Narc as a father, to having locked away memories, to be being certain I endured sexual abuse as a young child, to my experiences with Misophonia (a disorder that causes extreme panic, pain, and anger when triggering sounds are heard), PGAD (Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder; a pain disorder), and then to the possibility I may have either OSDD or P DID, as well as a struggle with MD (maladaptive daydreaming).

I don’t feel like rewriting everything I’ve been writing about for months to years, so I will be copying and pasting a lot of my notes to this thread.

Again, this is gonna be a ride. Don’t feel compelled to answer or read it all. If you are interested, however, I would greatly appreciate your comfort and support.

Here we go…

I don’t know where to start. I feel as though I’ve only been alive for the last five years now, and even those years have not been a life because I have been stuck in bed with such severe chronic pain, I scream my lungs out every day from how badly it hurts.

I was diagnosed with a condition called PGAD (Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder), however my symptoms do not stem from nerve damage, meds, or anything else that is known to cause PGAD. My symptoms aren’t even exactly the same as PGAD.. they’re a little different. For the last five years now, I’ve been suffering from this pain— it feels as though an invisible man is poking my cl!t 24/7. Other times, it’s even worse and it hurts so badly, I want to take a knife and cut everything out.

I also have Misophonia, and those trigger sounds, visuals, objects, and vibrations— they all trigger the pain immediately and then I’m hiding in my bed screaming from the pain. If it weren’t for God, I don’t think I’d still be here today. I often scream and cry, begging Him to take me home, but the truth is I am scared and I don’t want to die yet. I want to live. I mentioned I feel like I’ve only been alive for the last five years. Here’s why..

I am 18 right now, almost 19. Everything before the age 14 is either dark, blurry, and in third person, or completely blank and non existent. Everything before the age 11 is even more blank. I have just a couple memories from early childhood, but those are so dark, blurry and in third person. Any other pieces of my childhood that I have now, I’ve gotten from either pictures or working through therapy and also working on getting my memories back myself.

Growing up, my father had 50/50 custody of me. He was emotionally and mentally abusive (extreme paranoid narcissist). I grew up feeling like I wasn’t just his daughter, I also had to play the role of best friend, therapist, and wife. I watched many women come and go from his life, but I was his one supply source he’d never lose.

When I’d go to my mom’s (where I was totally safe) on her custody days, I’d panic and cry because “daddy can’t be lonely, he’ll be sad! He needs me!” That was my childhood and really all I really associate childhood with. When I was 12 or 13, my father ended up moving out of the state, breaking the 50/50 custody agreement. He still begged me to fly out and visit him regularly though and I never wanted to. I always made excuses as to why. “I don’t want to fly alone on a plane.” So he’d fly to me and then fly back with me. “I don’t like flying.” So one time, he drove all the way across states to pick me up. “It just makes me really anxious.”

He’d emotionally manipulate me and gaslight me until I gave in and visited him. I ran out of excuses. I’d go when he’d tell me. (Honestly, it took years to even admit to myself that I didn’t want to be near him). Then finally… A couple months before I turned 14, I flew out to visit him. A couple days after I got there, we drove from there out a couple states to visit my grandparents on his side. I hadn’t been there in maybe 4 years prior?.. I was very happy to see my family there as it had been so long. But then the second night of us staying at my grandparents, I had a nightmare that I was r*ped. It wasn’t even a graphic dream and from an outside perspective, it probably wouldn’t even look like r*pe. But somehow, even having little to no understanding of sex or r*pe and no interest in the thought of sex prior to this nightmare, I woke up and just knew “I was r*ped in that dream.” Again, I didn’t even understand that concept prior to that dream. And somehow after having that dream, I completely understood what r*pe was, what it looked like, what it felt like, what grooming and molestation looked like and felt like— everything. There was this voice within me SCREAMING “this happened to me in real life” and I could not ignore it, but I also couldn’t believe it.

For the next year, I became completely obsessed with the idea of— not sex— but r*pe. Nightmares of r*pe became regular. Extremely intense daydreams of r*pe took over my life. I LIVED in my head. On top of all this, my PGAD symptoms appeared around puberty and this trip I had with my father and grandparents was within the same half a year as my first menstrual cycle.

As months went on, my physical pain symptoms worsened. I went on to have exams upon exams, MRIs, an x-ray, a sonogram— the doctors could find nothing else that could be causing my symptoms. But I had and still have all these signs and symptoms of sexual abuse.

Again, I hardly have any memory of anything up until the age 14– really up until that trip and I had that nightmare. Like I said, I feel like I’ve only been alive since then. Like that nightmare and that trip “put away” past me and “woke up” the me that has been alive since! I feel like a version of me lived and died at the age 6, then a new me from then lived and died at maybe 11.

Then a new me lived from 11 to right before I turned 14 and she died with that trip and nightmare. I’ve been here ever since, and I know that I know I was sexually abused at some point, I just don’t have the memory. I have been working so hard on trying to reconnect with these “versions of me” that have “died off” so that I can work my way to remembering my life, or at least what happened.

I cut off my relationship with my father back in January by the way.. whether he sexually abused me or not, he was still emotionally and mentally abusive. I have so many random “puzzle pieces” that once correctly sorted can tell me exactly what happened, but there are a few problems… One, I have no idea where these pieces belong. Some of them don’t even look or feel like they belong in the same puzzle! What if there are multiple puzzles (multiple sexual abuse events)?? (Which is what my gut tells me, but) How do I know?? Because some pieces start to click together and tell me it happened with my father…

Then some pieces tell me it happened with an adult male friend of his he invited over a couple times that I have zero memory of… Then some other pieces tell me it was BOTH of them… And then some other pieces tell me the county fair is involved.. some tell me there were multiple YOUNG men… and then finally, there’s this handful of pieces that I cannot allow myself to believe are real, because when it pieces together, they create this picture or story that I was a victim in child sex trafficking, alongside at least one other kid, and I can’t believe for a SECOND that that is even possible!!! My parents had 50/50 custody, plus, I went to elementary school up until 4th grade. SOMEONE had to have seen SOMETHING. And I know without a doubt my mom and family would have spoken up if they noticed anything off. They were always aware of the emotional/mental aspect, and did what they could for me through that. But if these scattered puzzle pieces I have, put together this incredibly insane scenario… how would no one have noticed??

The second side to this all is that growing up, my father gaslit me insanely. That’s my father’s first language. And now.. I gaslight myself. I really, really can’t trust myself. I’m so very visually creative; what if my nightmares mean nothing? Sure, I had no idea of sex or r*pe at 13, let alone at 6/7 (I had an SA-type nightmare then too), but I’m creative! My mind could’ve made it up! Or… what if I just LIKE the idea of being a victim? What if I was just born with a wicked and disgusting desire to be victimized and dominated? I felt these feelings literally all my life— I have one memory from when I was only 4 years old and in preschool.

It was Halloween and I was dressed as a kitten. The other kids and I were playing a game where they tried to catch me to make me into their “stew.” I remember this from third person.. I wanted to just go limp and let them grab me and drag me away like a ragdoll; like I was just a lifeless object. I wanted them to drag me and control me and scare me and hurt me.

What kind of 4 year old thinks or feels that way???? Was I just born a total psychopath?? Or was I just born a sl*t??? I’ve never been sexually active. I believe sex should be saved for marriage.

But if it weren’t for my family (moms side) and God being so faithful in my life, I fear I would’ve put myself in a dangerous and vulnerable situation a long time ago now.. Because I often feel like I’m only good for sex. I feel like a stray dog without its master, and now I’m worthless and I’m nothing. I’m nothing without my master.

The painful PGAD-type symptoms I experience chronically feel like they were created in me intentionally. It feels like at some point in a life I don’t remember, a man groomed and molested me in such a way that my little body would be stimulated in ways it was too early for, and then he’d touch me to relieve the painful sensations he intentionally stimulated, but then he’d pull back, leaving my little body feeling this pain that was awoken and then never fully relieved. And then he’d do it again, but then provide a little less relief each time before pulling away. Until finally, he’s created this torment with my body— this addiction.

He made it so that my body would NEED him to touch it in order to be relieved of the pain he first created. I don’t know why I think I know that. That didn’t come from any outside source. I never read anything like that, I never heard of anything like that— That all came from this voice inside me that just knows.

Somehow I just have the knowledge of that very specific grooming method. Is that a real grooming method?? I know that I know, yet I still don’t trust myself or fully believe myself.

Anyway.. I think that whenever I repressed the memory of the abuse or trauma (If this abuse really DID occur), the monster of symptoms or “addiction” he created in my body must’ve gotten repressed too. And I think that once I hit puberty, those symptoms “unpaused” and started up again.

Only now, whoever initially did it to me is no longer here to relive the pain or feed the monster he created. The pain gets so bad, I hate it but this part of me inside cries and begs that sexual abuse will happen “again” (if it ever happened at all) so that I’ll be relieved of this. No doctor or therapist has been able to reverse yet, and I think progress isn’t being made because I still can’t trust or believe myself that any sexual abuse happened to begin with.

Now I’m stuck with this pain literally 24/7, at all times it feels like I’m being poked in the cl!t and I scream and I cry and I’m just so scared that I’ll never get to live again. I’m so scared that I’ll be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I had dreams and desires. I wanted to get married and have a godly marriage and be a wife, homemaker, and mother. But I’m terrified!!

I can’t even look men in the eyes. Even the guy I loved and wanted to have a future with. I was petrified in his presence and I fear that men who show any interest in me only see me as an object, toy, or plaything. I beat myself up because I live in my head replaying these scenarios of “what if this happened and I was r*ped” or “imagine one day I get kidnapped and trafficked.” I beat myself up and say “you’re sick and disgusting and wicked!! You weren’t sexually abused, you just wish you were because you have r*pe fantasies!!”

But on the other hand, I KNOW that’s not true because I am frankly TERRIFIED at the idea of men even having any interest in me. They’re not r*pe fantasies— that is the LAST thing I want!! I’m so afraid! I can’t even look men in the eyes!! But then how come I can’t stop imagining being r*ped over and over and over as though I like it and want it to happen? And why when I was 4 did I like it when the other preschool kids dragged me in that game and I went limp like a ragdoll? And why did I used to vividly imagine wolves grabbing my limbs, ripping them off my body, and eating me alive until it made my privates physically hurt when I was little? Why why why am I dealing with any of this?? And the biggest why— WHY can’t I just REMEMBER whatever maybe happened if I WANT to remember? I’ve been trying so hard to remember… I mean, again… after pushing and working so hard, I have these scattered pieces, but they’re either too blurry or too out of the realm of possibilities. There’s no way I was trafficked! There’s no way there was more than one man! There’s no way there was another little kid that suffered alongside me at one point! There’s no way that little boy also died during that time! There is just NO WAY.

I’m losing my mind!! And I hate myself. I hate myself that I’m so blind and I hate myself for not believing myself and I hate myself for the “r*pe fantasies” and I hate myself for being afraid of men, especially those who care about me, and I hate myself for ever opening this can of worms to begin with. When I woke up from that nightmare 5 years ago, I should’ve repressed that too….. Wow. I must be really messed up.. how can I say I should’ve “repressed that too” when I’ve declared a million times in the last year alone that “all I want is to remember/know what happened to me.”

I’m shattered and scattered; divided even within my own self. I’ve been to 6 therapists (including trauma therapists) in these last 5 years and they all end up saying “you need more help then what I can provide” and then pass me around like it’s a game of hot potato and I am the potato. I don’t know where to go from here, honestly. I’ve spent these last few years so determined to figure out the truth and never give up… but I’ve now reached the point that I wish I could go back and somehow either not have had that nightmare, not have gone on that trip, or just forgotten that nightmare… but something tells me that it would’ve come out one way or another. If not that trip; if not that nightmare, it still would’ve reached me somehow. Not to mention, the PGAD-type symptoms.

I guess this was bound to happen. I was bound to end up here, stuck in bed screaming in pain, my desires for my future crushed. If what happened, happened.. and he did it.. whoever “he is,” whether it was my father, his friend, a group of teens, or all of them separate or combined… He broke me. They all broke me. They ripped me open and gutted me and tore me apart. Then I put on some nice clothes and a mask and I covered it all up.

It worked for a few years. I survived. And then suddenly, that cover up started to fall apart. Not enough though. I don’t know how, but somehow I’ve managed to cling on to whatever is left of my mask and cover up claiming “I want the truth out!!” but still withholding it somehow. I don’t know how. I really do want to remember. Why can’t I? What am I doing wrong, what’s stopping me from remembering? Is it because I won’t believe or trust myself? How can I believe something that has no proof or that I have no memory of? What if my signs and symptoms are just symptoms of my OCD or Autism, or what if I’m psychotic, or what if I really was just born a sick little sl*t with a wicked and sick love for r*pe fantasies? I recall having this terrible nightmare when I was around 7 years old. I remember the dreams I had throughout my entire life more than I remember my actual life. In this nightmare, I “woke up” in the night and slowly crawled out of my bed and headed for my door which was wide open and the hall light was on. But before I could make it to the doorway, I was grabbed from behind. Two unidentifiable young men grabbed me and started tossing me back and fourth between each other like a ragdoll. I didn’t fight it. I shut down; dissociated. I just let them throw me around. Somehow at some point I was stripped naked. At some point, they started forcefully shoving my face and mouth into their naked rear ends and their laughs surrounded me and the room was filled with this green smoke and they said “breathe in it” and laughed some more. This was the scariest nightmare I’ve ever had. So scary and traumatic, I dissociated IN the dream. I didn’t know that was even possible. To be honest.. I’d consider the possibility of this maybe being an actual memory of real life and it not actually being a dream.. But this dream took place in my room at my mom’s house, where I was safest. And there’s no way two young men appeared in that room in the night and filled it with green smoke and threw me around, reeking havoc and being as loud as they were, without waking anyone up. There’s no way two young men could’ve even gotten into the house. So I know it was just a dream.. but a child doesn’t just dream those things because they “have a creative mind.” Right? Or could that have been all it was? A nightmare. Not a memory.. not based on a memory..

I did EMDR with 4 different therapists in the last 5 years. Little to nothing ever came from it. If anything did come up, it was just nausea and panic. Back in June, I had an EMDR session with my last trauma therapist. Before going in, I prayed that I’d see whatever I needed to see at this time/point in my journey. Then I went in for my session, and for the very first time.. I saw something. So clear. I was in my bedroom at my father’s house. I was little. A man was in there with me, another man was watching in the doorway, and there was possibly a third also in the room with another little kid. I was naked. This man in front of me was naked. There was oral r*pe. Then it cuts and now I was crawling on all fours, still naked, and this man was sitting on top of me, also still naked, “riding me” like a cowboy on a horse saying “Yee haw!” like it was a game. I was not laughing like he was though. I had no expression. I was zombie like. I was just.. gone.

There was another image that took place in that same room. I was sitting on my knees and this man was standing behind me, over my shoulders, resting his privates on my shoulder. I feel like I felt like the world was watching. But really, I feel no emotion regarding any of these images. I feel nothing at all. It feels like I got somebody else’s memories dumped into my head. I felt nothing at all during that EMDR session too, other than first being sure they were real memories…. And then quickly convincing myself they were fake.

With all the nightmares I’ve had my now, my mind has enough imagination to work with. I can’t trust anything that comes up. Especially when I feel nothing towards it. I’ll say it again… I have all these scattered puzzle pieces… so many things that could’ve happened, that I can’t trust or believe at all. I know so much, yet not enough. I know both everything, and nothing simultaneously. I don’t know what to do anymore. One moment, I know without a doubt that even if I can’t remember it, I was sexually abused at least once in some form. Then just a second later, I shame myself and don’t think anything ever happened at all. I’m a mess. I somehow managed to write so much here, and that’s still not even everything. There’s so much I haven’t even gotten into.

And I won’t here… cause this is already too much. It’s far too much, especially knowing there’s no one who can respond to this and tell me “oh yeah, you were definitely sexually abused” because no one was there, besides whoever would’ve been involved. I know that the only thing that can be said is to keep trying therapy…

But I’ve ran out of options in my area. We’ve already put in thousands of dollars into doctors and therapists who haven’t been able to help me at all. There’s literally no one here who specializes in any of this to this extent. Everyone passes me around to the next person. I’ve even gone to the hospital a couple times and they rejected me because they don’t do trauma therapy apparently and wouldn’t know how to help me. I’m so tired.. I am so, so, so tired.

Now… For the OSDD/PDID/MD part which I’ll post in a comment here..
 
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I wrote this back in October:

(I apologize, some stuff may be repeated throughout these notes).

I’m REALLY beginning to question if I’ve got OSDD… I’m fighting between how much it clicks, and my self doubt or denial. It’s hard to even day denial because what if there’s nothing to be in denial of??
I don’t switch… that I know of. If I do, it’s within amnesia. How ever, my entire childhood is wiped from my memory and I feel like I wasn’t born until I was 14 (I’m 18 now). I remember some stuff between 11-14, but I am so disconnected from it. I remember stuff from the age 4. But anything after that up until 11 is just GONE. I feel like I lived and then died at the age of 6, then another me was born then and lived till around 11 and died. Then another lived until 14. I’ve lived since then, but AGAIN— I still remember stuff from between 11-14, it just feels like somebody else’s memories.
Aaaaaa.
On top of this, I have an extremely detailed inner world. I’ve had it since I was around 6. I don’t remember it, but I know I have a history of severe childhood sexual abuse, which would’ve happened at that age. Maybe some sooner, maybe some later, maybe even some into my preteen years, but I can’t remember it. But I know. I developed terrible 24/7 chronic sexual pain. I was diagnosed with PGAD, but my case is a little different than others with PGAD. This is because mine was originally caused by grooming/molestation, but it wasn’t onset as a chronic condition until I was around 11. I’m sorry this is all so complicated.
Back to the inner world stuff….. I’ve had this inner world ever since I was around six. It was always there in my head, filled with these very specific characters that did not exist in the outside world. I would sometimes enter this world in my literal dreams, and these characters would speak to me. Conversations, facts, events that took place in these dreams in this world— they were always recalled or would continue in the next dreams. Characters remembered things that even I wouldn’t remember. If something happened to a place somewhere in this inner world, that damage or change would remain later on. It was always like a REAL alternate universe. Still, to this day it is. Characters grew up and evolved; some stayed the way they always were. Some of these characters, I’ve gotten incredibly close to over the years. Others hate me and make sure I know it. But something they all agreed on was that my dreams were based upon memories, and they said they were real. One in particular would tell me “You’re dreams are memories” (I started having a lot of nightmares of sexual abuse at this time) “I’m real. You need to come find me before it’s too late!” (Whatever that means) “Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me!” He said that so, so much…
It wasn’t until the last couple years that I came to accept I endured sexual abuse. I still don’t have my perfect memories back. I have the pain, and sometimes the emotions… Sometimes I see things and I taste things. I taste things a lot. I’m getting off topic…
Back to OSDD..
I hear voices. I’ll just say that. Sometimes I’ll be writing or thinking about everything, and then a voice that I KNOW is NOT mine will speak so clearly, it’s nearly audible. I hear it in some far back place in my mind… it’s almost loud and echoey, but not quite. I cannot describe it. But when she speaks, or whoever it is, it’s so clear and it’s things that I did or not or could not of even thought of myself. Sometimes it’ll be something about my past which I can’t remember. Sometimes it’s just something snarky or demanding. Sometimes it’s my age, sometimes it’s a child. One time I was arguing with myself about whether or not I really did endure trauma or if I was just crazy. This ”idea” kept “appearing” for months and months about this huge detail that supposedly happened during the trauma, but I still can’t believe it really happened. When it came up during this argument with myself and I told myself I could not believe it because it was impossible, a voice yelled so loud and clear “I hate you!!!” And I completely broke down. A different time, I decided to consider the idea, and the voice of a child said ”I love you.” I felt my heart skip a beat and I, again, broke down crying…

I don’t switch that I know of… but I’ve never felt more seen than when I read about and watch videos about DID and OSDD.
Still… I have to keep telling myself “I don’t have DID. Stop. You just have a really powerful imagination.”

I could really use some comfort and guidance regarding this..
 
I also wrote this in October:

I’ve had these… “characters”…. In my head for years. Ever since I was around the age of 6, which would’ve been when my CSA occurred (I don’t remember any of it). I remember these characters though. The first appeared as an imaginary friend, but she was also someone I remember wanting to completely become. A whole new identity. I never *actually* became her. I would just imagine showing up at elementary school as her. My imagination has always been incredibly intense. Anyway, she went on to be an imaginary friend, but I could almost “see” her. That’s how strong my imagination was. I would see her crawl through my bathroom window and she would come talk to me whenever I was upset. Though… I thought I was in control of her. I don’t know. I don’t remember my childhood, I only remember tiny moments like that, and my dreams.
The other characters first showed themselves in my dreams. I have an incredibly detailed “inner world.” I always called in the “dream realm” growing up. My dreams would always take place within the same world. Different locations, but all one, detailed world. And the characters were always there and consistent in their roles and personalities…
All these characters though always hated me… they would express that to me in my dreams. They all called me “the dreamer” and some went as far as saying they wanted to kill me/wanted me dead. Finally, right before I turned 14, I went to visit my biological father (my mental/emotional/narcissistic abuser, and most likely SA abuser too). I hardly remember anything about this trip. The little bit I do remember is like watching from a clouded, vignette perspective almost “above” where I usually am in my mind. During this trip, I had a nightmare about SA. After that, something in me went haywire. I feel like I was “reborn” and anything before that moment was another me’s life. My dreams became more frequent. These characters in my dreams started becoming more aggressive and pushy. This inner world bled into my real life. It was all I could ever think about. One character, specifically; the one who played the perpetrator in the nightmare I had that onset all of this; he would beg me to remember who I was and to remember him and that my dreams were memories and that he was real and we would repeat “don’t forget me.” It was haunting.
There’s A LOT more to all of this, but I don’t want to spill out everything here. I wasn’t planning on spilling this much.

I don’t switch… that I know of. If I do, it’s without amnesia. How ever, my entire childhood is wiped from my memory and I feel like I wasn’t born until I was 14 (I’m 18 now). I remember some stuff between 11-14, but I am so disconnected from it. I remember stuff from the age 4. But anything after that up until 11 is just GONE. I feel like I lived and then died at the age of 6, then another me was born then and lived till around 11 and died. Then another lived until 14. I’ve lived since then, but AGAIN— I still remember stuff from between 11-14, it just feels like somebody else’s memories.
Does this sound like DID or OSDD?? Of some form???

——
I would like to add that I have realized a lot of stuff since these notes I wrote in October. Stuff has also happened since then. For example..
One of my maybe-alters appeared in my head a couple weeks ago out of the blue (this is NOT a maladaptive daydream, just to clarify. I did not see her nor even provoke her into speaking. I just heard heard her speak loud and clear). She said “[My name], come here.” It was so loud and clear, within my own head, somewhere in the upper left side of my minds I literally felt my heart drop— it scared me, even though I’ve heard her before. It just scares me every time. So when she said “come here,” I said “okay” and then she proceeded to actually GIVE ME a flashback. It wasn’t a traumatic one. It was a memory from when we were very young and we were playing at this play ground with a little boy (the identity of the little boy was blurred in the flashback however). It was insane— it felt like I was a child again and I was really there!
As far as I know, hallucinations can’t do that. They are random and meaningless. Whenever she speaks though (though it may not be very often), it’s not random or meaningless at all.
 
I wrote this a few weeks ago, mentioning that time one of my “others” gave me that flashback. I also describe in this a moment I had after a break down that I’m recognizing now to maybe be alter intrusion (not fully switching, but heavily influenced by a co con alter). Anyway, this is from a few weeks ago:

Can someone have both DID or OSDD alongside having MD (maladaptive daydreaming)?

I’m still trying to figure out what’s been going on with all my life and there are literally no therapists where I live that deal with dissociative disorders, let alone really specialize in intensive trauma healing.

I want to say that it’s probably his MD to the most extreme it can get, but people with MD can’t hear the voices of their “characters” show up out of no where in their heads and speak very clearly, on their own, with their own complete thoughts. Right?

On top of that… I’ve had one ”character,” who is actually the majorly traumatized other me, suddenly show up and say so clearly (in my head) the word’s “(my name), come.” It shocks me to the point where my heart flutters and I freeze every time I hear one speak on their own. When she said that, I responded with ”okay” and then she immediately showed me a memory! A memory I haven’t remembered probably since the memory actually took place. (For context, I hardly remember anything before the age 14). So…… MD characters can’t do that, right??

But I also find myself daydreaming in this “inner world” of mine all day every day… and I know I’ve done that all my life. However, it’s important to note that anything I daydream in my inner world is not “canon” let’s say, to the actual inner world itself… Like I daydream about this place and these characters a lot, but it’s just fantasy and doesn’t mean anything.

There are times where I do learn something about myself or even the other characters through day dreaming *sometimes,* but for the most part it’s just fantasy and I can see this clear line between that and what’s been “canon” or real to the inner world. Like when I have real dreams at night, I can feel and see this clear difference between normal dreams, and dreams that are taking place in this actual inner world with the characters themselves. Whatever happens then in canon. (Again, that’s only with the dreams which I just know or separate from regular dreams. I can’t explain how I know, I just do).

Aaaaaaa I feel crazy. MD characters don’t have the power to clearly speak almost audibly, but internally (not psychosis) on their own. And they cerfaintly don’t have the power to show up and say “come here” and then proceed to actually SHOW YOU a REAL memory. Right???
So can someone have both OSDD and MD?
The big thing is…. I don’t switch. At least not with amnesia. Unless the reason I remember extremely little before age 14 is because I switched then, but haven’t switched ever since?? It’s just weird… I do feel like though that my life began around that age of 14. I’m 18 now. Everything before that is either blank or blurry and in third person.

I do have moments, however, where I myself feel like one of the other version of me… full on. Like my attitude about life changes, my emotions, my feelings towards myself change intensely, and that usually happens post-panic attack or intense pain episode (I have PGAD). But that can’t be a switch, right? Because I still remember everything else about my “four year long life”… and I‘m still me.. just different… but I actually switched, I wouldn’t be awake for that because it would be a totally separate version of me that takes over and I should be “asleep” and not there, right? And it’s not like she’s doing her own thing or actions or anything.. I’m still in control of my actions…

This happened last night. I had a major major breakdown from extreme fear of my future and the fear that I won’t make it in a month (due to a chronic pain condition that feels like your own body is sexually abusing you). After the pain spike of that breakdown and I calmed down from screaming and crying, I sat in the bathroom for about an hour.. I write in my notes app every day to make sense of what I’m feeling and experiencing. So I took out my phone and started writing, then found myself writing to myself in third person almost.

Actually, I found myself writing to me from the perspective of a different me, but I truly felt like that other me. Her emotions, her bitterness and anger, her hate towards the world and sort of aggressive pitty towards me, her feelings about herself and her hopelessness and her numbness… and I sat there for an hour writing awful awful things about myself, to myself. At the same time, I found myself repeating “we’re not real though. You wish we were, but we’re not. You’re alone and you’ve always been alone” as well as “I bet you the sexual abuse never even happened. You need to wake up. You don’t belong in the dream world, so don’t come back.” (The dream realm is what we called the internal world growing up as I first started seeing it in repeated actual dreams, not daydreams).

Anyway… again, everything about that moment, I truly felt like I was her.. but that wouldn’t make sense because correct me if I’m wrong but with these dissociative disorders, you don’t just become that other person. (I mean, the body does) but you, your mind shuts off and the other one comes out. I wouldn’t have been in control of my actions right? So am I just crazy? Am I just messed up in the head and so lonely that I’m just talking to myself and somehow changing my entire personality and outlook on life myself and I’m just in control of that, maybe I am psychotic I don’t know.. UGH… I hate all of this.

I didn’t mean to rant this much but I really need help making sense of this.
 
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correct me if I’m wrong but with these dissociative disorders, you don’t just become that other person. (I mean, the body does) but you, your mind shuts off and the other one comes out. I wouldn’t have been in control of my actions right
Like all disorders it manifests differently for each person. A behavioral health professional would be the best person to help you determine if your symptoms meet the criteria for that or other diagnoses.
am I just crazy? Am I just messed up in the head and so lonely that I’m just talking to myself and somehow changing my entire personality and outlook on life myself and I’m just in control of that
None of us can know your internal mental state. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual assault to behave in ways to maintain a strong sense of control, and splitting can be a coping mechanism for a variety of emotional states.
 
But I had and still have all these signs and symptoms of sexual abuse.
There’s a lot of people find their way to this website with serious distress over their perceived hypersexuality at a young age.

Actually, it’s incredibly normal for even very young children to have intense interest in sexual feelings and behaviours, and it’s incredibly normal to have really distressing nightmares. You can cut yourself a break - you were a stressed out kid, coping with that in the types of ways that really stressed out kids cope.

The thing that causes mental health disorders isn’t the hypersexuality as a young child, or even the nightmares. A mental disorder related to those types of ‘symptoms’ is based on the resulting distress and dysfunction they cause. For example, no longer being able to hold down a job because of distress about nightmares.
I have been working so hard on trying to reconnect with these “versions of me” that have “died off” so that I can work my way to remembering my life, or at least what happened.
Here’s the thing about memory: loads of people have very sketchy memories of their childhood. Especially if their childhood was stressful (sounds like your childhood was pretty damn stressful).

When we ‘go looking’ for memories, our brain will eventually give us an answer. It isn’t necessarily going to be accurate, but if we decide that we need to remember something, eventually our brain will indulge us. Because our brain is a problem solver. If it doesn’t have the right answer, it will give us an answer that seems to work. And it doesn’t always get that right!
what if my nightmares mean nothing?
My nightmares are a reflection of my stress levels the best I can figure. There’s plenty of theories about what our dreams mean, but the truth is we have no idea.
That all came from this voice inside me that just knows.
Sometimes the voice inside us that knows for sure, doesn’t actually know. Working with a therapist is the best way to unpick knowledge from distorted cognition.

Sometimes the voice inside us that knows for sure: has Obessive Compulsive Disorder, has schizophrenia, has a mood disorder, has an anxiety disorder, or…is just the regular human brain being its normal self, “knowing” when that’s the preference to “not knowing”, or “knowing” when perception is not the entirety of reality (which is a whole lot of the time!).
I was bound to end up here, stuck in bed screaming in pain
This is concerning, and not typical of ptsd. Tbh, it sounds like something else entirely.

Which isn’t me saying it’s nothing, rather, recognising that must be really bloody distressing, but not necessarily this ptsd thing.
especially knowing there’s no one who can respond to this and tell me “oh yeah, you were definitely sexually abused” because no one was there,
This.

Your maladaptive daydreaming (that’s a form of dissociation) sounds pretty next level. Tbh, a lot of (most of…?) the very traumatic things you’ve described are maladaptive daydreaming from your own description.

And it sounds like it’s getting to the point of creating not just huge distress, but huge dysfunction as well. It’s making your life a whole lot harder, and involving waaaaay more suffering, than you need to be living with.

Adding more diagnoses to your list doesn’t make your suffering more valid. It doesn’t make your suffering any bigger. Maybe getting some support that specifically targets that maladaptive daydreaming would be a huge help? And once you’ve dealt with that, get help with anything that’s left over.
 
I’m not looking to add more diagnosis to my list.. I’m trying to find support and comfort, to know it’s safe to trust myself, aside from what my abusive father made me believe. I truly don’t believe I was discovering my sexuality at the age of four. Discovering your sexuality is one thing… feeling like your only worth is in being an object/vessel/toy to be played with and tortured— at such a young age— is another thing entirely, and is concerning, no?

I know that most people don’t remember their childhoods completely. But my life is blurry, in third person, or completely blank up until 14. That was only five years ago, I’m 18, almost 19 now.

From what I’ve read, it isn’t normal for someone really young to obsessively daydream about torture or r*pe if they didn’t experience any kind of trauma growing. Even in maladaptive daydreaming. Sexual fantasies are normal, but these aren’t sexual fantasies.
Also, when it comes to my MD, there’s an extremely evident difference between when I’m daydreaming and when I hear one of my parts. I’m usually not even daydreaming when I hear from them, I’ll actually be focused on something else. Sometimes they’ll comment when I’m writing notes for therapy, but there is a clear as saying difference between my inner monologue and when I hear them. They’re not hallucinations. They’re not external, they’re internal and I know they’re not some outside entity (just clarifying this in case I didn’t earlier cause I don’t remember all that I wrote here).

My physical pain symptoms— the part you quoted when I mentioned my screaming from the pain. That’s an actual pain disorder. I’ve had MRIs and exams and a sonogram and x-rays… There is no tangible or visible source and my doctors/therapists believe it is trauma-related.

I’m a bit nervous about coming back to this post though.. I’m really trying to shut out the self doubt and gaslighting and it’s been really hard. I don’t want that to be fed, which why coming here to share all this stuff was already a huge risk for me.
I’m only here because I can’t get a therapist right now and I could just use some support to help me distinguish that self doubt when I know that I know something happened.

If someone comments and I don’t come back here, it’s not personal.. I just can’t risk feeding that self doubt anymore. It’s killing and hindering me enough.

Thank you for your reply though.
 
I’m not looking to add more diagnosis to my list.. I’m trying to find support and comfort, to know it’s safe to trust myself, aside from what my abusive father made me believe. I truly don’t believe I was discovering my sexuality at the age of four. Discovering your sexuality is one thing… feeling like your only worth is in being an object/vessel/toy to be played with and tortured— at such a young age— is another thing entirely, and is concerning, no?

I know that most people don’t remember their childhoods completely. But my life is blurry, in third person, or completely blank up until 14. That was only five years ago, I’m 18, almost 19 now.

From what I’ve read, it isn’t normal for someone really young to obsessively daydream about torture or r*pe if they didn’t experience any kind of trauma growing. Even in maladaptive daydreaming. Sexual fantasies are normal, but these aren’t sexual fantasies.
Also, when it comes to my MD, there’s an extremely evident difference between when I’m daydreaming and when I hear one of my parts. I’m usually not even daydreaming when I hear from them, I’ll actually be focused on something else. Sometimes they’ll comment when I’m writing notes for therapy, but there is a clear as saying difference between my inner monologue and when I hear them. They’re not hallucinations. They’re not external, they’re internal and I know they’re not some outside entity (just clarifying this in case I didn’t earlier cause I don’t remember all that I wrote here).

My physical pain symptoms— the part you quoted when I mentioned my screaming from the pain. That’s an actual pain disorder. I’ve had MRIs and exams and a sonogram and x-rays… There is no tangible or visible source and my doctors/therapists believe it is trauma-related.

I’m a bit nervous about coming back to this post though.. I’m really trying to shut out the self doubt and gaslighting and it’s been really hard. I don’t want that to be fed, which why coming here to share all this stuff was already a huge risk for me.
I’m only here because I can’t get a therapist right now and I could just use some support to help me distinguish that self doubt when I know that I know something happened.

If someone comments and I don’t come back here, it’s not personal.. I just can’t risk feeding that self doubt anymore. It’s killing and hindering me enough.

Thank you for your reply though.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
 
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