SJInBristol
New Here
I'm posting here because I'm desperate; I'm also EXTREMELY tired, so much of this will be pasted from Notes, so if it doesn't make much sense, please bear with me...
I have been held hostage by the Court of Protection since 05/12/2019 - that’s very nearly 2,000 days - I’m unlawfully detained under the Mental Capacity Act (I NEVER had an initial assessment, and I’m fully au fait with what a capacity assessment should look like - I didn’t have any kind of assessment until I was dumped in BRI on 28/11/2023; I saw two consultant psychiatrists who attested to the fact that I am fully compos mentis, and that I wasn’t suicidal; had they communicated this to the CoP I'd very likely not be still existing in this Kafkaesque nightmare). When someone is detained under the MCA, they’re assigned an RPR (relative person’s representative) and I’m 99% certain that mine is my egg-donor - if she knew what was happening to me right now, she’d absolutely cream herself; she always told me that “nobody would want to be bothered” with me - and I’m beginning to believe she’s right.
I ended up in this situation because I sought help after escaping a violent relationship, which, along with childhood abuse, has left me with PTSD. I won’t go right back to the beginning, because it would be an essay, and I want to focus on what’s happening to me now. NOBODY involved in this situation has any understanding of PTSD/severe trauma - and that’s why I’m TERRIFIED that I’m not going to get out of here alive.
I’m currently in a shitty flat - which is completely unfit for human habitation - in the arse-end of Bristol; my current captors are extremely abusive - there’s nothing remotely resembling care here. I’m struggling to type this due to the damage their assaults have done to my hands (I’m also unable to walk because one of them twisted my left ankle -wrapped his foot around it, and jerked my foot back - and I have constant pain in my lower back from where he chucked me against the bedroom wall - not that I sleep much anyway, I’m so traumatised now I’m having nightmares). I’m also being denied proper meals - this is what I was given for ‘dinner’ this evening (I say “this evening”, but it’s always 17:00) - this is representative of what they deem to be an acceptable ‘meal’. If you claim to "care" about someone, then you would NOT give them that; I've asked them if they'd be happy being given something like that as a meal - their response...? "What do you mean...? If you don't tell us what you want, how do we know...?" (I have, they've ignored me) - surely they MUST understand that it's not what's on the plate - but the amount of what's on the plate...?! Of course they do - this is a deliberate, conscious decision on their part. They KNOW it's inadequate.
Much of what I’m given is mostly bone, the rest is cheap processed meat, or cheap fish. I’m so hungry that I can’t think or walk straight. I honestly believe they’re doing this to keep me weak, so that I can’t do what they demand and that then gives them ‘reason’ to assault me. I'm not allowed to buy my own food, ostensibly because I believe the manager of the equally-as-shitty flat I was in before I was dumped here has told the CoP bizarre lies: "SJ likes to eat rancid, raw meat"; "SJ likes to get mouldy food out of the bin and eat it" - and, due to the fact that I am unlawfully detained under the Mental Capacity Act, she was obviously believed.
Every Thursday, they demand I clean the bedroom (it used to be once a month, which I could - just about - cope with). They claim they’d told me it would be once a week in an email, but they send me so many emails - upwards of a dozen a day - that Mac Mail is marking them as spam and deleting them; obviously I’ve informed them of this but, just like everything else I’ve ever told them, they’ve ignored it.
I’m supposed to have an advocate, as is stipulated by the Care Act, but I may as well not do because she’s worse than useless; for a start she works less than part-time hours, and secondly she won’t do anything I ask her to do. I made a formal complaint to her manager who, rather than actually reading it, passed it onto their feedback team, who sent me an email informing me that they would “endeavour to deal with my complaint by 15/04/2025 - which was two days prior to the date on the email! I’m assuming they meant 15/05 - but I don’t have that long; I’m so weak from malnutrition and chronic illness (I believe I have Graves’ disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism) - and I can’t deal with this heat, it just knocks me out - which means I’m guaranteed to be assaulted again tomorrow because I won’t be able to clean the bedroom. It also causes Graves’ opthalmopathy which causes diplopia, blurred vision, photophobia and exophthalmos (bulging eyes). I’m in dire need of medical care but, due to the fact I have PTSD, that’s impossible).
My advocate - and her manager - are now blanking me, and they won’t respond to my emails.
They also constantly creep around outside the flat, which terrifies me because I don’t know if they’re suddenly going to barge in (they claim they don’t; they claim it’s the woman downstairs walking around, but she’s on the other side of the building, and the only way it could possibly be her is if she was Spiderwoman and walking on the ceiling - they really think I’m that stupid. It’s a dick move to blame her, because she really doesn’t have capacity, and she can’t argue one way or the other). They gaslight me constantly.
This is what I can’t get anyone to understand: when anyone comes to the bedroom door, I freeze, paralysed with fear and I’m unable to speak; when my abusers barge into the bedroom, I don’t see them, I see my ex, and I start screaming and chucking stuff at them to get them to back the f*ck off - that’s when they assault me - I'm TERRIFIED that I'm going to end up arrested or dead - or both, because NOBODY understands that my response is automatic and involuntary. As well as the injuries I’ve already mentioned, I’m covered in cuts and bruises. They claim that the Care Act sanctions this abuse; the CA states that I am the person best placed to know my own needs, yet my needs are being completely ignored. I’m in a situation where I simply can’t function; if I was somewhere I felt safe, I’d not be sitting on a bed in dirty clothes with matted hair. I’ve explained all this to my advocate, and I don’t understand why she won’t explain it to them - even if she doesn’t understand herself, that’s her job - because the MCA has robbed me of my voice and nobody’s listening to me.
Last Thursday, one of them pinned me to the bed and repeatedly told me the he "loved me", while trying to grope me with his free hand (my ex was a violent, controlling alcoholic, who r*ped me and almost killed me; the f*cker drank himself to death, but it was him who was on top of me not the so-called 'care worker').
I clean the bedroom the best I can, and send them photos, as they demanded I do (I’m so burnt out now that I have been using PS’s ‘heal’ tool to doctor the photos). They also demand that I change the duvet cover - but that’s impossible because I only have the one, so that gives them another ‘reason’ to attack me (I don’t actually sleep in the bed; the duvet is simply there as a means to protect me from the mattress springs; I have to sleep horizontally, with my back against the wall, as it’s the only way I can get even slightly comfortable (the bed looks - and feels - like it’s n been salvaged from a skip)). Every time they ‘clean’ the bedroom, something ALWAYS goes missing; the first week I was here, they took my phone - and now they take small things, things they think I won’t notice (last week I had to replace all the cleaning stuff I use to clean my tech - I’m wondering how long it’ll be before they take a fancy to that; I have two iPads, a MBP and WH-1000MX4 headphones. That was £40 I could have well done without needing to spend).
Whatever I do, it simply isn’t good enough - but they do nothing, it’s just an excuse to assault me - which they will do, because even if I manage to clean the room, I can’t change the duvet cover (I have told them that I don't need it - it's a horrible old duvet and it's only on the bed to protect me from the springs in the mattress) but, if I don't do EXACTLY what they demand I do, they attack me. Problem is, I can’t change it because I haven't got another one - I used to, but they lost it. I can't afford to buy another.
I don't sleep much, anyway; a) because they're often making so much noise at night and b) due to the nightmares.
They bang on about “health and safety”, but that only applies when it suits them; for example, about a fortnight ago, they got someone in to ‘fix’ the roller blind in the bedroom; it was a cheap piece of shite, and it fell down - almost clonking me on the head - less than a week later. I’ve now fashioned a ‘curtain’ from a fitted sheet - at least if that falls down there’s no risk of concussion.
They come into the flat every day at 14:00 - they’re supposed to clean, but they don’t, all they do is squirt a bit of bleach down the toilet; I went into the toilet/shower room this afternoon and found shit - actual, literal shit - in the sink.
Speaking of money, my egg-donor has arranged it so that I have no access to my own money; I have to beg my social worker for it - and she’s never in the office; I’m too scared to check my account, so I bet I’m overdrawn. The only money I have going into the account is the £50 my egg-donor puts in there every month.
I simply don’t know what to do; adult social care at BCC refuse to do anything, numerous safeguarding reports have been made - including by me - and the upshot of those was them sending me an email stating that they weren’t involved, wouldn’t be getting involved, and that I should stop contacting them. I can’t go to the police because a) the same thing would happen as would happen if my GP was to come here (I’d freeze and not be able to speak to them - or, if I was able to speak, I’d tell them to leave because I’m too scared to do so). It would be the same if anyone from ASC came here - this is a life-threatening situation - and there’s seemingly no way out. Due to the unlawful court order, I’m not able to instruct my own solicitor; I have been asking my advocate to do so the entire time I’ve been here and, just like everything else I’ve asked her to do, she hasn’t done so.
I've had the crisis team here, calming that I asked to see them (I didn't, so that's yet another example of them gaslighting me). I CANNOT have anyone come here because, obviously, I am not in a place where I feel safe enough to speak to anyone - so now I'm marked down as being "awkward" and "refusing to engage". The only way I feel able to talk to anyone is via Zoom or Teams (I did set up a VoIP service, but I don't have the money to keep topping it up).
The other reason I can’t have the police here is because they’ve threatened to go to the police and claim that I’ve been racially abusing them (they’re Nigerian); they’d also claim that the abuse didn’t happen; there are six of them, and they’d simply close ranks and back each other up and, due to the court order, I’d simply not be believed. If I was to tell the police about the assaults, they'd claim I was either lying - or that they were acting in "self-defence" (they barge into my one vaguely safe space, start shouting at me and then attack me - who's the one acting in self-defence...?).
I'm sure everyone here understands the six responses to threat - that's the state I exist in 24/7/365.
I’m being infantilised, dehumanised and disenfranchised; there’s scant regard for me as a human being, nor for my human rights. If I was a criminal, I’d know when my sentence would end, and I’d have access to a solicitor to appeal it - I’d have more rights if I’d committed a crime. I’m living under house arrest, because I can’t leave the flat (not that I’m in any fit state to do so) because I wouldn’t be allowed out without one of my abusers.
They claim they "care about" me and that they're "worried" about me - but they won’t listen to me, they shout me down, and speak to me like I'm a complete imbecile; I leave them notes on the kitchen table, which they don't bother to read, and they refuse to read my emails (or perhaps they do, and they just dismiss what I'm telling them). This isn’t "care" this is simply them ticking boxes.
I simply don’t know what else to do; I’ve spent my entire life being abused, fleeing abuse and attempting to recover from abuse - I just want people to f*ck off and leave me the f*ck alone - this is persecution, there’s no other word for it.
I'm so burnt out, so weak, so ill, in so much mental and physical pain that I'm not going to be able to withstand much more abuse.
I'm sorry this is so long - and I'm not holding out of getting any help here - but, if anyone does read this... I might not be alive by this time tomorrow...
I have been held hostage by the Court of Protection since 05/12/2019 - that’s very nearly 2,000 days - I’m unlawfully detained under the Mental Capacity Act (I NEVER had an initial assessment, and I’m fully au fait with what a capacity assessment should look like - I didn’t have any kind of assessment until I was dumped in BRI on 28/11/2023; I saw two consultant psychiatrists who attested to the fact that I am fully compos mentis, and that I wasn’t suicidal; had they communicated this to the CoP I'd very likely not be still existing in this Kafkaesque nightmare). When someone is detained under the MCA, they’re assigned an RPR (relative person’s representative) and I’m 99% certain that mine is my egg-donor - if she knew what was happening to me right now, she’d absolutely cream herself; she always told me that “nobody would want to be bothered” with me - and I’m beginning to believe she’s right.
I ended up in this situation because I sought help after escaping a violent relationship, which, along with childhood abuse, has left me with PTSD. I won’t go right back to the beginning, because it would be an essay, and I want to focus on what’s happening to me now. NOBODY involved in this situation has any understanding of PTSD/severe trauma - and that’s why I’m TERRIFIED that I’m not going to get out of here alive.
I’m currently in a shitty flat - which is completely unfit for human habitation - in the arse-end of Bristol; my current captors are extremely abusive - there’s nothing remotely resembling care here. I’m struggling to type this due to the damage their assaults have done to my hands (I’m also unable to walk because one of them twisted my left ankle -wrapped his foot around it, and jerked my foot back - and I have constant pain in my lower back from where he chucked me against the bedroom wall - not that I sleep much anyway, I’m so traumatised now I’m having nightmares). I’m also being denied proper meals - this is what I was given for ‘dinner’ this evening (I say “this evening”, but it’s always 17:00) - this is representative of what they deem to be an acceptable ‘meal’. If you claim to "care" about someone, then you would NOT give them that; I've asked them if they'd be happy being given something like that as a meal - their response...? "What do you mean...? If you don't tell us what you want, how do we know...?" (I have, they've ignored me) - surely they MUST understand that it's not what's on the plate - but the amount of what's on the plate...?! Of course they do - this is a deliberate, conscious decision on their part. They KNOW it's inadequate.
Much of what I’m given is mostly bone, the rest is cheap processed meat, or cheap fish. I’m so hungry that I can’t think or walk straight. I honestly believe they’re doing this to keep me weak, so that I can’t do what they demand and that then gives them ‘reason’ to assault me. I'm not allowed to buy my own food, ostensibly because I believe the manager of the equally-as-shitty flat I was in before I was dumped here has told the CoP bizarre lies: "SJ likes to eat rancid, raw meat"; "SJ likes to get mouldy food out of the bin and eat it" - and, due to the fact that I am unlawfully detained under the Mental Capacity Act, she was obviously believed.
Every Thursday, they demand I clean the bedroom (it used to be once a month, which I could - just about - cope with). They claim they’d told me it would be once a week in an email, but they send me so many emails - upwards of a dozen a day - that Mac Mail is marking them as spam and deleting them; obviously I’ve informed them of this but, just like everything else I’ve ever told them, they’ve ignored it.
I’m supposed to have an advocate, as is stipulated by the Care Act, but I may as well not do because she’s worse than useless; for a start she works less than part-time hours, and secondly she won’t do anything I ask her to do. I made a formal complaint to her manager who, rather than actually reading it, passed it onto their feedback team, who sent me an email informing me that they would “endeavour to deal with my complaint by 15/04/2025 - which was two days prior to the date on the email! I’m assuming they meant 15/05 - but I don’t have that long; I’m so weak from malnutrition and chronic illness (I believe I have Graves’ disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism) - and I can’t deal with this heat, it just knocks me out - which means I’m guaranteed to be assaulted again tomorrow because I won’t be able to clean the bedroom. It also causes Graves’ opthalmopathy which causes diplopia, blurred vision, photophobia and exophthalmos (bulging eyes). I’m in dire need of medical care but, due to the fact I have PTSD, that’s impossible).
My advocate - and her manager - are now blanking me, and they won’t respond to my emails.
They also constantly creep around outside the flat, which terrifies me because I don’t know if they’re suddenly going to barge in (they claim they don’t; they claim it’s the woman downstairs walking around, but she’s on the other side of the building, and the only way it could possibly be her is if she was Spiderwoman and walking on the ceiling - they really think I’m that stupid. It’s a dick move to blame her, because she really doesn’t have capacity, and she can’t argue one way or the other). They gaslight me constantly.
This is what I can’t get anyone to understand: when anyone comes to the bedroom door, I freeze, paralysed with fear and I’m unable to speak; when my abusers barge into the bedroom, I don’t see them, I see my ex, and I start screaming and chucking stuff at them to get them to back the f*ck off - that’s when they assault me - I'm TERRIFIED that I'm going to end up arrested or dead - or both, because NOBODY understands that my response is automatic and involuntary. As well as the injuries I’ve already mentioned, I’m covered in cuts and bruises. They claim that the Care Act sanctions this abuse; the CA states that I am the person best placed to know my own needs, yet my needs are being completely ignored. I’m in a situation where I simply can’t function; if I was somewhere I felt safe, I’d not be sitting on a bed in dirty clothes with matted hair. I’ve explained all this to my advocate, and I don’t understand why she won’t explain it to them - even if she doesn’t understand herself, that’s her job - because the MCA has robbed me of my voice and nobody’s listening to me.
Last Thursday, one of them pinned me to the bed and repeatedly told me the he "loved me", while trying to grope me with his free hand (my ex was a violent, controlling alcoholic, who r*ped me and almost killed me; the f*cker drank himself to death, but it was him who was on top of me not the so-called 'care worker').
I clean the bedroom the best I can, and send them photos, as they demanded I do (I’m so burnt out now that I have been using PS’s ‘heal’ tool to doctor the photos). They also demand that I change the duvet cover - but that’s impossible because I only have the one, so that gives them another ‘reason’ to attack me (I don’t actually sleep in the bed; the duvet is simply there as a means to protect me from the mattress springs; I have to sleep horizontally, with my back against the wall, as it’s the only way I can get even slightly comfortable (the bed looks - and feels - like it’s n been salvaged from a skip)). Every time they ‘clean’ the bedroom, something ALWAYS goes missing; the first week I was here, they took my phone - and now they take small things, things they think I won’t notice (last week I had to replace all the cleaning stuff I use to clean my tech - I’m wondering how long it’ll be before they take a fancy to that; I have two iPads, a MBP and WH-1000MX4 headphones. That was £40 I could have well done without needing to spend).
Whatever I do, it simply isn’t good enough - but they do nothing, it’s just an excuse to assault me - which they will do, because even if I manage to clean the room, I can’t change the duvet cover (I have told them that I don't need it - it's a horrible old duvet and it's only on the bed to protect me from the springs in the mattress) but, if I don't do EXACTLY what they demand I do, they attack me. Problem is, I can’t change it because I haven't got another one - I used to, but they lost it. I can't afford to buy another.
I don't sleep much, anyway; a) because they're often making so much noise at night and b) due to the nightmares.
They bang on about “health and safety”, but that only applies when it suits them; for example, about a fortnight ago, they got someone in to ‘fix’ the roller blind in the bedroom; it was a cheap piece of shite, and it fell down - almost clonking me on the head - less than a week later. I’ve now fashioned a ‘curtain’ from a fitted sheet - at least if that falls down there’s no risk of concussion.
They come into the flat every day at 14:00 - they’re supposed to clean, but they don’t, all they do is squirt a bit of bleach down the toilet; I went into the toilet/shower room this afternoon and found shit - actual, literal shit - in the sink.
Speaking of money, my egg-donor has arranged it so that I have no access to my own money; I have to beg my social worker for it - and she’s never in the office; I’m too scared to check my account, so I bet I’m overdrawn. The only money I have going into the account is the £50 my egg-donor puts in there every month.
I simply don’t know what to do; adult social care at BCC refuse to do anything, numerous safeguarding reports have been made - including by me - and the upshot of those was them sending me an email stating that they weren’t involved, wouldn’t be getting involved, and that I should stop contacting them. I can’t go to the police because a) the same thing would happen as would happen if my GP was to come here (I’d freeze and not be able to speak to them - or, if I was able to speak, I’d tell them to leave because I’m too scared to do so). It would be the same if anyone from ASC came here - this is a life-threatening situation - and there’s seemingly no way out. Due to the unlawful court order, I’m not able to instruct my own solicitor; I have been asking my advocate to do so the entire time I’ve been here and, just like everything else I’ve asked her to do, she hasn’t done so.
I've had the crisis team here, calming that I asked to see them (I didn't, so that's yet another example of them gaslighting me). I CANNOT have anyone come here because, obviously, I am not in a place where I feel safe enough to speak to anyone - so now I'm marked down as being "awkward" and "refusing to engage". The only way I feel able to talk to anyone is via Zoom or Teams (I did set up a VoIP service, but I don't have the money to keep topping it up).
The other reason I can’t have the police here is because they’ve threatened to go to the police and claim that I’ve been racially abusing them (they’re Nigerian); they’d also claim that the abuse didn’t happen; there are six of them, and they’d simply close ranks and back each other up and, due to the court order, I’d simply not be believed. If I was to tell the police about the assaults, they'd claim I was either lying - or that they were acting in "self-defence" (they barge into my one vaguely safe space, start shouting at me and then attack me - who's the one acting in self-defence...?).
I'm sure everyone here understands the six responses to threat - that's the state I exist in 24/7/365.
I’m being infantilised, dehumanised and disenfranchised; there’s scant regard for me as a human being, nor for my human rights. If I was a criminal, I’d know when my sentence would end, and I’d have access to a solicitor to appeal it - I’d have more rights if I’d committed a crime. I’m living under house arrest, because I can’t leave the flat (not that I’m in any fit state to do so) because I wouldn’t be allowed out without one of my abusers.
They claim they "care about" me and that they're "worried" about me - but they won’t listen to me, they shout me down, and speak to me like I'm a complete imbecile; I leave them notes on the kitchen table, which they don't bother to read, and they refuse to read my emails (or perhaps they do, and they just dismiss what I'm telling them). This isn’t "care" this is simply them ticking boxes.
I simply don’t know what else to do; I’ve spent my entire life being abused, fleeing abuse and attempting to recover from abuse - I just want people to f*ck off and leave me the f*ck alone - this is persecution, there’s no other word for it.
I'm so burnt out, so weak, so ill, in so much mental and physical pain that I'm not going to be able to withstand much more abuse.
I'm sorry this is so long - and I'm not holding out of getting any help here - but, if anyone does read this... I might not be alive by this time tomorrow...
