Today is Open day. The biggest day in the year for the centre where I work. For me it is a chance to show a bit of pride in the place I work. A chance to see old friends who visit only when we have a big even on. A chance to see old dogs out enjoying the days with their new families.
Where am I? I'm at home. The last two days at work have been awful. People everywhere, appearing from no where, standing too close to talk, dropping things, swearing, getting wound up. There has been no predictability to the day and I have really struggled. The sheer volume of people around is enough to deal with even without including in that people are all on edge and stressed about the day.
I struggle with people's anger and frustration at the best of times but when it is practically everyone I work with as well as volunteers it becomes intolerable. Their elevated stress levels mean that they are rushing around everywhere rather than just walking. Their movements are sharp, fast and generally unfriendly even without meaning to be.
Trigger after trigger has left me struggling to keep myself together. I found myself hiding in the office because at least there people can only appear through one door and I am facing it. So I laminated signs, answered the phones and listened to other people vent a little when they finally allowed themselves to sit down. I made drinks and generally tried to stay out of the way. I wasn't needed out and about because I had done my job and left instructions of everything that needed doing and the staff were just getting on with it.
I held it together as much as I could at work, sometimes though things would surface that I couldn't control. I had a bad afternoon of body memories on Wednesday and it kept being difficult to speak yesterday. Every time I got home and sat down everything would just catch up to me. My lunchtimes were spent lost in the past and my evenings the same unless I really fought them.
It all came to a head yesterday though. With the help of my friend I had just about made it through the day although I had a bad lunch break that meant I was late back down to work. It was the very last bit of the day, everyone was in the staff room, with hindsight I should have stayed outside. Some dishes slipped on the draining board, something I would usually cope with, and that was it, everything lurched, my stomach dropped and I knew I was going back there whether I wanted to or not. I managed to get up and leave the building and I somehow made it to the smoking area.
Back there he's angry as always seemed to be the way at the moment. I'm washing up, L had gotten in trouble with his Dad for not cleaning up after himself and in turn had taken it out on me so I had taken to tidying when I could. I'm stacking things on the draining board but the plates slip and knock a cup on to the floor, it smashes everywhere.
I try to catch it but I am too slow. Out of the corner of my eye I see him get up, I tense but I know there is nothing I can do to stop him. He slams my body into the cupboard, grabs my head drags me back and hits my face against the side of the sink, dots appear in front of my eyes but I don't do anything, I am like a rag doll just being pulled around. When he lets go of my head I drop to the floor where the broken cup shards still are. I see his foot coming but don't even attempt to protect myself as he kicks me.
He tells me to clean up as he walks away. I don't move until he has left the room. I find a dustpan brush and sweep up as best I can. I know I have a black eye that I will need to explain away but I cannot sort it until I have done what he says incase I anger him more. Every part of me aches from the tension and beating but I clean up anyway.
My friend found me in the smoking area and helped bring me round. One of the other staff was there but he is a man and I couldn't help trying to hide from him, I feel awful about that, I know I shied away but I was still in the past and a male voice was too much for me.
My friend suggested not being in work today and my manager messaged me later saying the same thing. There was a time when stubborn me would have said that I was fine and pushed on but I didn't, I didn't argue it at all. Part of the reason I wanted to do some work on open day was as an up yours to those who doubt I can do my job but I am beginning to realise that I need to take care of myself and sometimes the best way I can work is to not work at all, recognise when things are too much and take a step back. I find the thought of that very hard because I have always just carried on regardless of what is happening to me. I am changing, I hope it is for the better.
