Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Noise noise noise. Can't drown it out unless I use more noise, music is ok, it's predictable but even too much of that gets me. I wish I could just go and sit in a sound proof room just to get a few hours of true peace and quiet. No noises that would be a dream come true, who knows I might actually be able to relax in a silent environment.

I had my appointment yesterday and we tried out some breathing exercises. One of them was to breath and imagine myself on a swing, breathing in as I swung back and out as I swung forward. It did help but I got this funny feeling in my chest, the doctor thinks I was actually relaxing and I have just forgotten what it feels like to relax. I did start to drift but he pulled me back in to the room. During that brief period of concentrating I didn't react as much to the noises outside, maybe I will give that a go.

 

[Wyakin]

I got my watch back, I feel whole again having it on my wrist! My friend visited this afternoon and we had an in depth chat, think we both needed it.

It seems I have been isolating, not letting her in, hiding the worst of it. Habit I suppose since I spent so many years hiding it from others. I'm going to do my best to stop, now that I know I am doing it. I just can't help it when the lies seep out. When 'how are you' is answered with 'I'm ok' instead of what I really feel.

Everything has taken a different turn lately, my flashbacks are concentrating more on the pain he caused than the rapes. With these memories come multiple body memories almost constant throughout the day. I am hyper-vigilant waiting for the next bout of pain even though I know I can't do anything to stop it.

My wrist constantly feels constricted and my mind is dissociating more and more easily. I am fighting to keep going when every part of me seems to be giving up. I cannot take much more noise or pressure. I knew a week off would be hard so I have tried to keep busy but I wasn't expecting this.

 

[Wyakin]

Long day today. I had two nightmares in the night but Malcolm woke me up by sitting on me, he's a good dog. It meant I was already on edge by the time I got up to go to the doctors. It was made worse by getting there to find the doctors incredibly busy with a waiting room full of people. A 20 minute wait for my appointment to come through nearly finished me off.

Once I got in the room with my doctor I calmed down a bit but I was still shaking, my breathing was better than it would have been had I not used my breathing exercises. She has increased my anxiety meds and wants to see me again around 15th July. At least that's everything sorted.

I then decided to pop to town to get food only to find the car park full of people! Thankfully the shop wasn't too busy. I even managed to visit my mum afterwards. I got home in time to see my friend at lunch as well.

The afternoon has not been good, I had a flashback and was gone for an hour, back there with him. Luckily I didn't move around as I have been doing lately, I just remained on the sofa throughout. I don't know if I am ready to write about that one yet or not. The body memories are lingering now.

So I'm tired, a bit foggy, have a headache and tomorrow it's my birthday. I'm sure tomorrow will be a good day.

 

[Wyakin]

He wanted me to enjoy it, he said so at the start. It was during one of his strange times when he was nice to me, kind and caring. I found it all so confusing, one minute he'd be gentle and loving the next he would be angry, yelling, hitting, hurting.

His parents were out and the day had been a good one. As usual I sat on his bed while he sat in his chair playing video games. I was almost relaxed, not something I did much anymore. When he got tired of his game he came and joined me on the bed.

I knew what he wanted, I knew I didn't want to but I also knew to say no would anger him and he would hurt me more. He reached up and said, "You'll enjoy this." But I flinched, a fatal mistake.

I couldn't help it, it was barely a flicker of tension across my face but he saw it. The hand that had been gentle reaching towards me became a fist as it was buried in my abdomen. His other hand grabbed my hair and yanked it back.

He tore my clothes while punching me, his anger out of control, I tried to defend my face but he shoved my arms down either side of my head. The anger had excited him, I kicked out with my legs to try to stop him but he used his own to pin me down.

I I turned my face away staring in to the corner and he knew I was defeated. He moved my arms so he could hold my wrists in one hand and use the other to guide himself in. Once he was he switched back to holding both wrists separately.

He was rough and painful, he no longer cared about me enjoying it. I lay there, limp and broken annoyed with myself for flinching. When he was done he got up and left. It took me a while to get the courage to move. I made it to the shower and cleaned myself up as always, the bruises were already spreading.

I then put a smile on my face and went downstairs to join his family for dinner, as though nothing had happened at all. He ignored me during the meal and afterwards I took myself home.

 

[Wyakin]

I turn 25 today. If there was ever a day where I was hoping for a break it would be today but it doesn't seem to be happening. I had nightmares most of the night and I am on high alert this morning. I have a busy day ahead when all I really want to do is hide out at home, blocking out the noises of the world around me.

I am going to my Dad's tonight, he will help to take my mind away from the noises. Tomorrow I become a godmother to my Nephew. I have to stand up in front of a large number of people and speak, I then have to go to the family function afterwards. I am going to use my dogs as an excuse to not stay long.

My wrist is really bothering me today, not just pressure but actual pain. I wish it would all just go away.

 

[The Albatross]

Birthday well wishes for you Wyakin, hope you have a good day and congratulations on becoming a godmother. Hope the event goes well for you.

 

[Notsowild]

A very Happy Birthday Wyakin. That very exciting about becoming a godmother too. Have the best day ever because girl you deserve it:hug:

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you :) So far I have had a great day including two lovely gifts from the staff at work. They are a great team, I just about managed not to cry at receiving these...

 

[Wyakin]

One of the first times he got angry with me was early on. We had been fooling around and he wanted to go further. I said,"No, I don't want to yet."

His hands that had been off doing other things suddenly gripped my upper arms. His knuckles were white where he had hold of me so tightly.

I told him he was hurting me and he stopped. He said sorry and kissed me again. I accepted it. I foolishly assumed it was a one off.

Gradually these little moments happened more often. Just occasionally enough that I didn't leave him but often enough that I began to accept them as normal. This meant that when he got worse the goal posts only moved a little bit. Allowing violence to slip in almost completely unnoticed.

 

[The Albatross]

Very much relate to your last post Wyakin... that is my ex and second most serious abuser to a "T".

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @The Albatross in someways it is good to know I am not alone. I still wonder now how I could be so naive.




Nightmares are horrible things, they take your memories and your day to day thoughts and mix them all together to create something even more scary. One of the things that L threatened me with was my friends, he always mentioned doing stuff to my closest friends. Sometimes he would offer me a choice, me or them. I always chose myself although I will admit to hesitating occasionally. I just couldn't put my friends through hell.

Last night though my brain decided to let me get an idea of what it would be like to watch a friend suffer. It wasn't even a friend I had at the time but a friend I have now. It was awful to experience and it didn't seem to matter how hard I tried I couldn't wake up. I am left with feelings of guilt even though I know she didn't experience it, I am left with feelings of what I can only describe as desolation. Last night I witnessed my worst nightmare, a friend suffering because of me and whether it was real or not it still hurts me very deep down.

I am tied up by my wrists attached to something in the wall so I cannot get away. He is there, a smile on his face. Then I see her, my friend, cowering in the corner. What happened before I don't know but she has clearly already been hurt enough to learn not to run.

He kicks her as he walks by, she whimpers but still lays on the floor. I am at the end of my bonds, struggling to get out of them. He turns to me, gives me a choice, he could rape her or burn her.

I begged him to hurt me, take me. I struggled so much my wrists bled. He dragged her up, made me look her in the eye, she was so afraid. Sex or burn he kept saying over and over. She was shaking. I knew there was no choice, I had to decide. Burn I chose, I stared her in the eye hoping she would understand that the pain of being burnt would ultimately be less than the horror of rape.

He let go of her and she fell to the floor. I tried to crawl over to her, reach out to support her but my rope was too short. I cried and begged that he hurt me instead but he wouldn't listen.

He went over to the oven and started heating the knife. I knew his routine. I tried to get her to run but she couldn't, he had hurt her too badly already. Eventually the knife was hot enough. He took it off the heat, crossed the kitchen, he pinned her with his knee on her head so she was looking at me. He pushed up her top and held the burning blade to her back. She struggled against the pain but he held her still. If I looked away he would push the knife deeper in to her flesh. I was forced to watch to reduce her agony.

He returned to the oven repeatedly until he had done to her what he had once done to me, burnt his name in to her back. Then he kicked her hard and walked away stating she was his.

Throughout I was forced to watch. To turn away meant more pain for her, pain she did not deserve. She stared me in the eye, I could feel the blame, the sadness coming from her. My own shame at making the decision burns me still, I spent so many years protecting my friends, my worst nightmare finally caught up to me.

 

[Wyakin]

Another bad evening going in to another long night. More horrible dreams to add to my ever growing list of dark memories. Nightmares of friends hurt over and over. How many different ways can one person suffer? It seems there are many if someone is cruel enough to put their mind to it.

I have another day in work today, then a day off tomorrow. I only have to get through today but then I have to sleep again tonight. I am afraid to sleep, these nightmares are just so horrible and making everything else so hard to deal with. I'm exhausted even though I slept all night. I'm on edge even though I know they aren't real. I'm aching even though I didn't actually move and fight.

I've got to count lots of money today, maybe I will just concentrate on that.