I just really hate the fact that I need help.

[Scorpio]

Hi, I’m new here. Wish I wasn’t in this situation, but I am.

I started therapy in February this year. Not my idea, really. My man wanted me to go and offered to pay for it, too. I didn’t really want to, but ended up agreeing to do it just to get some peace and quiet around here. So I just picked a cute one and figured I’d go there and rant about my man for a few sessions, maybe 3 or 4. I thought that ought to do it, and then I’d be able to go home and say that I’d been «working on my issues» and all would be hunky-dory. It was a good plan.

Only that’s not what ended up happening. After a few nice, calm sessions this guy started asking me some pretty confrontational questions about my past - which I, and God help me for doing this, actually answered honestly. It is still a mystery to me why I would do such a thing. I’m a very private person, and I would never ever share anything that I’d be ashamed to admit, like say, that I was raped. But there I was, spilling the beans - with details and everything. What the f… ??!

After that, things started going downhill in a big, f*cking hurry. Because then I started remembering other traumatic events, too. Lots of them. I wasn’t even aware that those things had happened to me, quite honestly, because I had completely forgotten. And then I started dissociating pretty heavily, to the point of rendering me unable to think or speak with any level of clarity. Soon after that, I was having flashbacks and panic attacks. Basically, I was becoming a complete mess and it wasn’t possible to hide it anymore.

So yesterday, I was writing in my journal (my trauma journal, yes. Helps me keep track of all this crap) and suddenly I start having a big panic attack. It was so bad, I ended up calling my boyfriend’s mother, who was very kind and came rushing to help me. As she entered the yard to our house, she literally found me in the stairway puking into the pavement. God, what a humiliating display that was. My neighbors might have seen it, too. And I haven’t even started processing any of my trauma yet...

Please, I just wanna know… how much worse should I expect this to get before it gets better?

(I’ve got a good psychologist. We’re working through this, but it’s kind of a slow process.)

 

[Sideways]

It can definitely be a very slow process. It will get better - but yep, it tends to do the “gets worse before it gets better” thing. Sorry that’s where you’re at right now, because it’s a shit place to be.

Be open with your T about how you’re coping, and what ‘not coping’ looks like for you right now. They can adjust their approach to support you through this - that’s what they’re there for.

If possible, build in extra support for yourself, alongside therapy, while you get through this tough part. Prioritise self care, and things that you can do throughout the day and week to give your resilience the extra support it needs right now.

We’re all different with what self-care looks like, but if your system is throwing panic attacks at you? Maybe try and include things in your routine that will help your body unwind. Vigorous activity can be crazy helpful in getting our system to normalise, which can help reduce the intensity and frequency of anxiety spikes. Or activities that incorporate a degree of controlled breathing (yoga, swimming, singing…there’s a variety of ways to spend time normalising your breathing without having to focus on breathing!).

Hope something in there is helpful:)

 

[Freemartin]

Seconding Sideways.
It’s really, really important to be honest with your therapist re how well/not well you’re coping. Don’t try to seem brave or tough just tell him how things really are.

Also, try to not push yourself. It’s very tempting to tough it out, grit your teeth and try to make progress by sheer force. I’ve come to realize, the HARD way, that using brute force we actually make the trauma shit stronger. The key? Is to make your inner world safer, not more overwhelming.

 

[Movingforward10]

Third-ing what others have said.

Firstly, well done for using therapy and speaking out about what you endured.
Therapy does this unfortunately: opening up Pandora's box and all this other trauma comes tumbling out that we blocked out.
It is a rough rough place to be.

But, you're in good company here as we all know this journey in our own ways.

It is a frustratingly slow process.
I also agree telling your T about the impact on you. Building new safety nets for yourself is important through this process. Maybe slowing therapy down a bit so you can ease more gently into it.

It can be a brutal journey at times as we relive the trauma that we blocked out. 'They' say it comes out now as you are able to deal with it. But it is tough learning to deal with it.

Learning triggers, trigger management etc will help.

It does get better.

 

[KA60]

I have let codependency creep back in my life. Accepting things people behaviors not ok. And taking blame. I am addressing it plus just hard things like adding my husband as joint account holder on my credit union account preparing for loss of his medicaid. I have medicare and a supplement. People telling me I won't let things go. Dealing with this stuff means you let go. I cry I get stressed but that is being an adult.

 

[Scorpio]

Thank you so much, everyone who responded to this. I am lucky enough to have a very solid and supportive network of people around me, so I feel safe in that regard. I can afford to unravel a bit without the consequences becoming insurmountable right off the bat, so that’s good. I have no SI, either, and no medical conditions that I know of.

I’ll admit that it is tempting to try and act like it’s not a big deal, and I think I might have been trying to do that a bit. I am just so used to being emotionally independent and fixing my own problems. But fixing this is beyond my abilities, unfortunately.

My therapist uses a form of psychodynamic therapy which is called ISTDP. Stands for «Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Therapy». I don’t know about the «short term»-part, though, because I’ve been going there for 6 months now, and we have barely scratched the surface. It seems to be working, though. And I get along well with the person who’s treating me, which is probably the most important thing in all this.

But yeah, it’s hard right now. I do my best to cope, and I’ve got some physical outlets through dance and hiking. Those do actually help a bit.