I really need help

[Movingforward10]

Do you want to stay in this relationship? Or do you want to leave?

What are you getting from this relationship?

It might feel safe staying if it feels familiar, even though it is unhealthy.

I understand that when he hugged you and wouldn't let you go that it felt like an attack on you and you had to make yourself safe so you attacked. But, you're both pyshically violent towards each other and that is unsafe. Him putting his hand on your throat is very very unsafe.
Therapy is about processing trauma and it can stir up so much emotional pain. To be able to do that, you need to be in a safe place.
Step one is you being safe.

 

[sleeveheart]

it was when he hugged me and wouldn’t let go during a ptsd attack and I felt he was physically assaulted me and I was in danger and it went from there.

The first thing that popped into my mind when I read this was, your brain immediately flashbacked to when you were victimized, and put your body into fight mode.
I'm hearing a lot of chaos in the way you write things. This whole situation probably feels familiar to you.

In the interim of finding a therapist, I would suggest setting boundaries (like others have mentioned),
and slowing down the interactions you have with this person.
I.e. Waiting 24 hours before responding to a text or phone call
Being explicit about what you can and can't do (I can't see you right now, I can't talk to you right now, etc.)
Making plans in advance if you want to meet up or talk to this person

It's going to feel painful. There is no way around it (I'm sorry to say).

The things you can do to soothe yourself are:
- Make sure you are eating at least 3 times a day (starving leaves your brain in anxiety mode)
- Tidy up your environment when you feel up for it
- Lie down when things get overwhelming
- Drink enough water (stay hydrated)
- Make sure to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour
- If it gets too overwhelming, recognize the thoughts you have and talk to someone supportive in your life
- Rinse and repeat

Sending you hugs. I hope things get better for you.