I was nasty today and I need help

[FMCA]

Since Tuesday until this morning, i have been messaging a friend who would not accept an apology, i started getting nasty, like saying slimy things asking her did she feel dirty, like I was trying to make out she was worse than me and saying things like don't worry i wont hurt you, I mean wtf, its like i eventually came out of it and it hit me what i had done.t, i cant believe i was speaking like that to someone. It was disgusting. Like really nasty. When the realization hit me about what id done, i was crying and I hardly cry. Its like i'm not even in my own mind when i'm doing it.

I rang the mental health crisis line and told them and the lady on the phone was really helpful saying that if i wanted to cry then i should not fight it, that i am trying to cope with it alone so i needed to be kind to myself, that i should, she said I needed to go for another mental health assessment and I needed to go back to the GP. She said I didn't know what I was doing with my emotions and i was trying to pass the pain on after i told her i woke up and felt really bad in the mornings this week. But to be kind to myself because i'm dealing with things in isolation.

I feel like absolute shit. I think its pretty clear to the person i did it to that I've got mental health problems, they read them all and ignored them. Obviously.

It really is like i'm in a different world when i'm doing it. Its like I get back in the room after I've done it. It wasn't out of anger as such, it was out of worthlessness because i was thinking about what i was saying, it wasn't me blurting out something angry.

I feel so weirded out by myself. Yes it was disgusting but the fact i wasn't disgusted when i was doing it, is scary to me.


I know its worthlessness but its like it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. What the hell is wrong with me.

 

[shimmerz]

Is this the first time this has happened @FMCA ?

 

[Muttly]

It's good you recognize there is a problem. I can understand how freaked out you are about what you did. I think the person on the crisis line gave you good advice. It sounds like you are emotionally very unregulated right now. Are you able to follow up on the crisis line person's advice?

 

[FMCA]

Went to the GP and they said not to change medication which I agreed with as its too complex to do. They said i needed links to social prescribers which is what i am going to do. The referral for a mental health assessment was good because they said they wouldn't be able to provide a service I need because It's more for schizophrenia or bipolar or other similar conditions, which they needed to look at to do things like adjust medication.

So i am pleased that I have got a referral for social prescribers and all bases were covered today. Onwards and upwards

 

[FMCA]

@shimmerz ,@Muttly ley no its definitely not. I think its because the keto diet has left me in a situation were I did not have mental health support in place.

I feel like its not dysregulation so much because it went on for 2 days and i was just being nasty and not like an angry outburst, it was more frustration so i was trying to get someone to take notice and it didnt work so i was just plain horrible

I also referred for cbt on the advice of the crisis line because I only went to 2 sessions last time

 

[FMCA]

I do feel it was more Shane and guilt based behavior than anger if that makes sense

 

[shimmerz]

I did this once to a friend and it is SO not me. They had just put me on anti-psychotics and when I got home (after apologizing profusely) I threw them in the garbage. Never been on them since. I also know that as I process trauma a theme will come up and give me lots of chances (rolling eyes) to work it through in a more conscious way. It is good that you have identified it as shame and guilt. That gives you something to sink your teeth into and get working on it. Congratulations!

 

[FMCA]

@shimmerz , Thankyou. I actually identified it from a response I got from a post I put up about subsiding emotional numbing. It’s so invaluable the support and input from people on here.

Never stop learning is my motto. I think mental health professionals are so over run with work inside a broken system in the UK that things like this get misunderstood sometimes.

 

[FMCA]

I actually think I got nasty because I felt so ashamed of myself for doing something that she decided to put a boundary in place last February and never spoke to me again.

I tried apologising and she was reading them so I stupidly started disclosing things that had happened over the course of a few days and I got really nasty I think because she carried on reading them and I was getting more frustrated. Yes I got nasty but she did put a boundary in place and violated her own boundary to come back and read about me. It only stopped because it was like I suddenly realised and said if you had already decided you weren’t going to be my friend and still aren’t, then why are you reading about me, that it did not make sense. At that point she left the messenger app.

No response isn’t a response when you violate your own boundaries to satisfy your curiosity.

It was an invasion of privacy which isn’t good and led to more emotional harm, me on the phone to the crisis line and at the doctors hating myself because I’d been nasty.

If it was someone who didn’t know what she was doing then I’d be more inclined to let it be but she did know so I don’t want to speak to her again now anyway.

Suppose the lesson is don’t try to tell anyone why you did something because you werent well.

My friends who are walked away never messaged me back again. They certainly wouldn’t read about me after making a decision like that.

 

[Movingforward10]

I see it differently. I read things my mum writes to me even though I have blocked her. For various reasons: wanting to know what might be coming my way or risk assessing or plain old curiosity.
.the issue really is not her reading those messages or not.
The issue is you sending them

I think you looking at shifting the responsibility of your behaviour onto her is not going to help you.
This is your behaviour and your thing to address. However upset or confused you are about why she read them or her boundary.

 

[FMCA]

Yes, I was feeling like I don’t know how to describe it, like really down and lonely. Like I was at the end of my tether down and lonely.

But it’s your mum. The person I sent them to was an old friend. If she didn’t want to be friends fine but you can’t pick and choose what boundary to stick to.she knows I’m not well and I’m not very close to her and I know she is a gossip

But It’s taught me a lesson anyway. My own boundaries.I don’t think I’d tell anyone my business again.

I just need to get back to CBT now. Also had a call from a social prescriber today so I’ll be doing things to address the loneliness which should be easier now.

Loneliness is a messy dark place

 

[KA60]

I so much appreciated these posts. My former female friend who cut me off. OK.i have a fairly new post menopausal diagnosis and this Saturday I will attend a virtual support group with other women with this diagnosis. Hopefully we can all just be real authentic supportive.