PunkLadyBug
New Here
Hello everyone!
Hope y'all good.
Just need some perspective and some help in figuring out this bag of feels.
For context, I've moved to another country almost 5 years ago, got a job and managed to make a bunch of friends at work. Most of them now moved to different companies, but we kept in touch and with 5 of them met regularly. I had a few rough years with my mental health, got better, but still struggle with some of my symptoms. I work at the same place, but I'm fully remote now because I can't stand being in the office (too much noise, the lights are very bright, so many doors and points of access, and I can keep listing). I get exhausted and triggered there, and it's one place I still haven't managed to 'conquer' yet. Made a lot of progress with other spaces, like the gym, different cafes, etc, and I'm working constantly on hypervigilance and all that jazz. Those 5 friends mentioned earlier know this, and also know I've been struggling lately with feeling lonely.
Thing is, next week they're all going to the office for a games night, and I'm feeling massively left out. They're not the ones organising it and they didn't choose the location, the other pals did it, who don't know about my issues with the space. It's a get together of the old team, and I can't be a part of it, and it hurts. I noticed through time it's also hard to organise such a meeting since we all have conflicting schedules and I'm surprised everyone is available for it.
I haven't mentioned anything about how I feel about this to them. I feel angry and sad, I'm frustrated with it and I wish I was normal. In the past, my pals have been ok at understanding that I don't feel safe if I don't have a clear view of my surroundings and let me pick the seat at the table in cafes and restaurants. We met regularly, we met 1on1. (I'm not sure if they ever asked me how to best show support...). But this makes me feel so left out, and I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it because it caught me in a more fragile state (I've been struggling with sleep lately). I'm glad they're all having fun, I'm happy they're seeing each other and I'm grateful none of them have to look over their shoulder or constantly scan their environment for threats. Thing is, I'd never ever leave anyone out looking in. I'd make sure everyone is able to attend. I'd take into consideration everyone's need, and I'd find a way to include everyone. I know my illness is not their problem, and everyone is free to go anywhere they want, but as part of a group of friends, I'd make sure every friend of mine is able to participate. I wouldn't join some pals from my former work on a hike of a 1000 steps into a forest if that implies my friend in a wheelchair will have to remain behind by themselves. I'd rather stay behind with them.
Anyway. Rant over. Do let me know your thoughts. It helps a lot. Thank you.
Hope y'all good.
Just need some perspective and some help in figuring out this bag of feels.
For context, I've moved to another country almost 5 years ago, got a job and managed to make a bunch of friends at work. Most of them now moved to different companies, but we kept in touch and with 5 of them met regularly. I had a few rough years with my mental health, got better, but still struggle with some of my symptoms. I work at the same place, but I'm fully remote now because I can't stand being in the office (too much noise, the lights are very bright, so many doors and points of access, and I can keep listing). I get exhausted and triggered there, and it's one place I still haven't managed to 'conquer' yet. Made a lot of progress with other spaces, like the gym, different cafes, etc, and I'm working constantly on hypervigilance and all that jazz. Those 5 friends mentioned earlier know this, and also know I've been struggling lately with feeling lonely.
Thing is, next week they're all going to the office for a games night, and I'm feeling massively left out. They're not the ones organising it and they didn't choose the location, the other pals did it, who don't know about my issues with the space. It's a get together of the old team, and I can't be a part of it, and it hurts. I noticed through time it's also hard to organise such a meeting since we all have conflicting schedules and I'm surprised everyone is available for it.
I haven't mentioned anything about how I feel about this to them. I feel angry and sad, I'm frustrated with it and I wish I was normal. In the past, my pals have been ok at understanding that I don't feel safe if I don't have a clear view of my surroundings and let me pick the seat at the table in cafes and restaurants. We met regularly, we met 1on1. (I'm not sure if they ever asked me how to best show support...). But this makes me feel so left out, and I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of it because it caught me in a more fragile state (I've been struggling with sleep lately). I'm glad they're all having fun, I'm happy they're seeing each other and I'm grateful none of them have to look over their shoulder or constantly scan their environment for threats. Thing is, I'd never ever leave anyone out looking in. I'd make sure everyone is able to attend. I'd take into consideration everyone's need, and I'd find a way to include everyone. I know my illness is not their problem, and everyone is free to go anywhere they want, but as part of a group of friends, I'd make sure every friend of mine is able to participate. I wouldn't join some pals from my former work on a hike of a 1000 steps into a forest if that implies my friend in a wheelchair will have to remain behind by themselves. I'd rather stay behind with them.
Anyway. Rant over. Do let me know your thoughts. It helps a lot. Thank you.
