Sexual Assault Need Help Figuring Out What Happened

[Deleted member 37474]

@Parley... You started going wrong at the start of your post when you told her to "grow up." I am so angry about what you wrote and having to ground myself before driving home from work. I am not going to write what I am feeling right now. However, If I ever Post a thread asking for advice on the forum, please don't ever comment. Your opinion does too much damage to my healing.

 

[Parley]

@TexCat different of opinion doesn't mean I went wrong. but I'll try to remember you don't like my opinion on your threads.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

@TexCat different of opinion doesn't mean I went wrong. but I'll try to remember you...

Thank you! I appreciate that.

 

[Kintsugi]

Public service announcement: members have the choice of using the "ignore" function if they don't want to hear from a specific member.

Back to our scheduled programming.

"No means no" and "only yes means yes" seem to be two camps of thought when it comes to determining rape vs unwanted sex, and the debate is naturally contentious. However, Mary-Ann, determining your country's policy may clarify the legal definition of what happened to you. Regardless, I think that whether YOU choose to identify what happened as rape or not is up to you, but it was clearly something that had a very bad effect for you. That effect--not the clear-cut definition of the incident itself--is first and foremost why I urge you to seek counseling/support.

Understand that if you are in the US and choose to report this as sexual assault, you will probably have a lot of options (e.g. Do you want to report to police or the college admins), and you should know your rights in that process. A counselor or advocate can help you navigate those things, which is another reason it may benefit you to seek support on campus even if you're not currently interested in reporting your experience.

 

[anonymous]

Not weighing in on the rest of it, but just as a heads up "Cup of Tea" is slang for sex. Tea Consent

 

[Justmehere]

Do any of you know if it’s even possible to teach your body and brain to react differently in such a situation? I know that I might can’t teach it myself, but maybe in therapy. I’d just like to know if there's even a possibility.

It is sometimes possible to teach one's brain to not freeze up and to be able to say no and run. Therapy can help with this. But please don't shame yourself for reacting the way you did. You didn't do anything wrong.

In terms of how your body reacted to the rape, this article might help you to understand it more: Link Removed

 

[Mary-Ann]

I’m sorry for my late response. I’ve had a bit of a meltdown after my last response regarding the comment so I had to ‘take a day off’ from the subject because I had to function yesterday (I’m sorry for my phrasing, I don’t want to mock the subject).

Thank you @Simply Simon and @TexCat for your comments, you can’t imagine how much they helped and how much it meant to me. I can’t even picture ‘reporting it’ in my mind, because I’m not even sure if he did what he did malevolently. I often think that he might not have recognized my behaviour or that for him it is a normal one. (At this point I have to tell that I remember I was once making out with my ex and told him that I’m not really in the mood for sex. He was really perplexed about what I said and told me that he could tell just by the way I was kissing him, that all I wanted was just kissing and not it leading to sex.. So this really confuses me now.)
I can’t help but be more concerned about my part (that I just froze) and these very weird aftermaths that I struggle to combine with what happened.

@NoWhereKnowWhere and @Justmehere – Thank you for those links. I read them thoroughly and they had a really calming effect on me.

I’ve found a counselling service, but I’m struggling with actually calling. I’m trying to find some online counselling where I can just write to feel safer but they seem rare, if not non-existent. And I don’t know if it sounds silly but I’m way more able to talk freely in English than in my native language, therefore there's this barrier aswell.