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Childhood My Trauma, I need help moving forward in life.

Ahab

New Here
Hello, I am new here, and I want to heal. I truly do. So I'll start from the beginning.

A few years back when I was in high school. I had a very close friend. I considered him my brother. Lets call him Dave (fake name). Dave and I were hanging out one time, and he picked up his sister for something I can't remember why, and she was showing me some pictures of Dave, and I was like can you send me that picture for his profile pic on my phone, so she was like sure add my snap, so she sent me the pic on snap. I never told Dave, cause I felt like there was nothing to be said. There was nothing to hide or anything, just didn't feel like it was relevant, it was just his picture.

So fast forward about a month or so, I was showing him a pic of this girl I was talking too on snap, and he saw her name on there (I didn't use snap much, nor did I talk to many ppl on there, so she was towards the top) Dave said you have my sister on snap? I said yea, just for a pic she sent of you, i can remove her. He never said anything else he didnt say delete it or anything he just changed the subject. Then the next day at school my teacher came to me, and told me that my seat had been changed for the time being do to some matter with snap. (I sat next to Dave up until this point), so I had a feeling it was about that, and I said ohh it's about Dave's sister, I'll remove it now. So she watched me remove her. Then I sat in my new seat.

I later tried to talk to him, and he would just ignore me. So I went to my next class sad cause I felt like I really upset him, which I know I did. So one of my other friends in my next class let's call him Mike (Fake name) asked what's wrong, and I told him, and he said oh it'll be OK, I know Dave will come around, you can talk to him soon. So it went on. Then came the next day at school. Dave still wouldn't talk to me, so I was continuing to give him space. So I went to the next class where Mike, and a few of my other friends were, they got up out of their seats when I got there and changed seats, which I thought was odd, but I didn't think nothing of it. (In this class the teacher let us sit wherever we wanted), so when we were dismissed for lunch we would all sit together, and when I sat down they got up and changed seats, so I thought they were playing a joke on me (it's happened in the past) so I went over there and they said. We don't want you sitting with us anymore, and I was like why and they said well to put it plainly what you did to Dave. I tried to explain to them what happened, and they didn't care. They wanted to hear none of it, so I said I don't know what Dave is saying, but you don't even want to hear what I have to say, they didn't care, then another person at another table chimed in on our convo, and she was basically agreeing that I should walk away. At this point I was starting to get pretty angry, so I took my food dumped it, and walked completely out of the cafeteria, and to the hall to cool down. Which is where I met the principal, and he could tell I was quite upset so he took me to his office to find out what was going on, and I told him. So he said well just give it time.

Then in the following days I don't know what was being said amongst my piers, but it transpired into me being called a pedophile. So that turned into people passing by calling me names, which turned into pushing, tripping, full out bullying. So I went to the principals, and all they said was just don't say anything it'll go away, they never investigated never done anything. Almost like they didn't care.

Months passed by, and it kept getting worse and worse. I was getting to the point where I was so depressed, helpless, and worthless that I had attempted suicide several times, and each time I failed. It finally got to the point where I exploded. I had a huge outburst of anger at several people who were bullying me, I never hit them or anything, just a large verbal outburst, I don't remember what I said I later looked it up online, and it's some sort of mental coaping mechanism where your brain blocks out traumatic events, or something like that. But that lead to me being taken to the principals office where they were threatening expulsion, and I told them you all kept sweeping it up under the rug, I can't keep taking this, then they settled on in school suspension for a week, and berated me saying you just made things worse for yourself, the bullies are going to be worse on you know.

So then I was taken to the ISS (In School Suspension) room. This was about 10am in the morning. Then during class change some kids walked passed the door, and started calling me names, and the teacher thats in the ISS room just looked at them and looked at me and looked down at his paper didnt say a word to them. So after that I asked to go back to the principals office, which he let me, then the principal accused me of making that encounter up, so I told him I know you have cameras, do you have audio as well? He said yea, so he pulled it up, and watched/listened too it, then said well ok, go back to ISS. I asked if was going to do anything, he said no.

Then about 11am the on campus police officer came in there and asked if I was who I am, and I said yea, and he said come with me, so I started to grab my bag, and he said don't touch a thing, and I was like ok. He grabbed my stuff, and took my into a room in the school I didn't even know was there. When we got there all the principals were there. The officer started ripping through all my belongings and said wheres it at? I thought they wanted my vape so I pulled it out of my pocket and gave it to him, and he said no not that the gun. I said what gun. So this lead to about 2 hours of constant verbal abuse of them accusing me of threatening to shoot up the school, I was crying alot. Saying I never said that, I don't want any of this. The officer read me my rights, and I told him I want a lawyer. So he freaked out. Then the officer went to that kid whom accused me, and I don't know what happened during that encounter, but the officer came back and said I'm dropping the accusation. It's fake. Then they called my mom to all I can assume was to get her on their side. But she knew everything going on, and she chewed everyone of them out. (It was on speaker phone) They were more then ready to get off the phone with her. So at then end I told them in tears. Let me leave, I'm not coming back, I'm dropping out. I'm done with this place. So they called the board of education director person (whom ever is the main boss, can't remember the title), he came out to the school to talk to me, and apologized alot. He told the principals to get my most recent report card, and so they did, and he said we only do this in excruciating circumstances, he said with your grades, I'm going to grant you an early graduation, but you can't attend the graduation ceremony (I was a senior), which I was more than fine with. So I said can I go home? He said well we're concerned about your mental health right now, do you have family that we can drive you to their house? So I had them take me to my grandparents home. So he personally drove me there.

But before I left I turned to one of the principals, and said I'm coming back for my car after school is over, I want someone to watch it specifically so it doesn't get damaged. He said why would It get damaged, I said well you said I have a target on my back, so I most likely have one on my car. (He said that while berating me after my verbal outburst) when I went to get my car, an officer had been watching over it.

This has all lead up to my trauma, I am so afraid to go shopping within my own town afraid I'll run into one of my bullies, I'm too afraid to get gas here. I constantly have nightmares, always looking over my shoulder, afraid of what people are saying. It's been several years now, and I am still afraid. I have forgiven all of them I truly do forgive them. But it won't go away, the pain, the memories, the heartache. In the end I found that all the friends I thought I had never were friends, just people waiting to stab me in the back. People I thought would never have my back had my back, in the end I only came out with 1 true friend that I still have contact with today. There were about 5 total that had my back. Out of about 20 close friends. Dave never did bully me personally, we never did speak again after that one day.

I just want help to get passed this. This is the first time I have spoken out about this. I just want to heal, I just want to move on with my life. Thank you for reading this. If anyone from my former High School reads this just know I'm not the person they made me out to be, and if you were a bully to me, I forgive you.
 
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds incredibly scary and painful. Are your parents supportive?

Hope you're in a safe place.
 
hello ahab. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

finding a safe place to speak and sort freely is my number one tool for managing the aftershocks of trauma. i typically need more than one safe place to do so for the sake of a broader base of support and feedback. this is one of my safe places. i hope it serves you as well as it has served me.

welcome aboard. i hope you find stabilizing companionship here. you are not alone.
 
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