Dom Violence How to move forward and set boundaries

Hello,

I'm going to try and keep this short as I could write pages and pages about the history of my wife and I's relationship. The short is that when we first met I had recently broken up with an ex and was still helping her with a business she was working on. I ended up loaning her most of my money at the time as I believed her when she kept telling me how much she was making and how soon I would get it back. I was still loaning her money for the first month after I met my wife. I told my wife some of this but there were a lot of lies and ultimately 6 months into our relationship I confessed that I had been doing more than I had been letting on and there were a lot of lies that I had told I needed to unravel. I had never seen the ex again in person, but I had kept doing favors and talking to her hoping to get my money back.

My wife ultimately developed CPTSD from my lying and the ensuing harassment from my ex who went crazy after I cut her off and kept harassing my wife whom she'd never even met. My wife is a very honest and principled person who was extremely broken by all of this. She loved me more than anyone I had met and did so much for me and gave up so much of herself in those first 6 months while I lied. We tried to move forward despite her developing hundreds of triggers from unraveling all of my lies, learning all the details of my previous relationship, and dealing with tons of harassment from someone she'd never met. Meanwhile, my mom called my wife jealous and after numerous fights with her, my wife told me that I needed to cut all of my family off permanently. I also had to cut off all my friends as I kept prioritizing them over my wife when she was trying to recover from all of this.

She developed containment OCD from COVID and is extremely anxious most of the time. At one point during COVID, I called the police as I was worried about her self-harming after I drove away when she had beaten me up one morning and been very depressed. This happened after I triggered her every day for a week for almost the same reason (parts of her morning rituals and breakfast I kept forgetting or interrupting) and her close relative was on their deathbed at the same time and she was dealing with a lot. I just wanted her to get help but she ended up being arrested and developed more trauma from that, thankfully I got a good lawyer and got everything dismissed.

7 years later. We've been married for 6 years and my wife still gets triggered by me at least once a week. I haven't had any contact with family or friends since 2020. My wife and I are currently traveling internationally and things seem to be getting better between us but it's still really hard. She's extremely sweet most of the time but when I trigger her she will start screaming about my ex and it will sometimes move to the point of physical abuse. Thankfully, the physical part has gone from almost daily to 2-3 times a month and will usually just be some slapping and choking when it used to be punching, scratching, and drawing blood.

I'm not sure how to talk about this as it really makes my wife sound a lot worse than she is and doesn't account for how terrible I have been. She also does a ton for me and always prioritizes my needs despite how much I've hurt her. I know we need help but she won't trust us talking to any therapist after we saw a couple's counselor and I texted them a picture of a black eye she gave me. She also had some pretty negative experiences with another therapist in the past who told her that I was abusive.

I want to set boundaries with my wife but anytime I try it ends up in her wearing me down until I remove them. As an example, last night she asked me to get ready for bed and open her luggage a few times. I completely forgot to open her luggage for her even after she asked me 3 times because she was worried I might forget as I seemed spacey. When she started getting triggered because I never listen to her but listened to my ex (her words), I said "holy shit" which just caused her to get even more triggered. After yelling at me and then making me talk about what I did wrong until she felt heard, she made me stand and face the wall and reflect for 20 mins about what I did while she got ready for bed. This happens most of the time we fight.

When she got in bed, she brought my phone and said she was going to delete pictures of me for punishment. She often does this and has deleted many memories from my and her phone so that I learn not to trigger and hurt her and respect her. I was feeling really arrogant and so I grabbed my phone from her forcefully and said that I'm setting a boundary and that she can't do this anymore. She got triggered by this as she says that I would let my ex do anything to me to the extent of financially abusing me and putting me into credit card debt (which is true). She says she won't be with me if there's boundaries because I let everyone else in my life walk all over me and never set boundaries except with her. This is really hurtful as I have been taking advantage of by everyone else and I abused her by lying to her and manipulating her again and again when we met.

She started crying and I threw a fit and started pulling my hair as I had so much anxiety over her anger and yelling at me. She responded by getting her phone and saying she was going to delete the last pictures she took of me with my grandma before she died. She said she did it and I cried and cried and cried. It was to punish me for manipulating by throwing a fit at her and forcefully grabbing my phone from her when usually I let her get her anger out by deleting pictures. After that, I got in bed and slept.

In the morning, her PTSD cup was empty and she told me that she didn't actually delete the picture but instead deleted other pictures that weren't important. She slapped me for throwing a fit and asked if we could have a good day today as she was feeling really depressed after our fight and the fit I threw at her last night. Then she asked me if she could delete pictures on my phone if she wanted. I said yes she could and that I was sorry for telling her no and being forceful. We made up and had a great day together.

I really feel like I'm painting her negatively here when I've been extremely manipulative and throw fits to control her when she gets triggered instead of being the calm one and just taking it and admitting what I did wrong. Overall though, I do feel like we need some boundaries but I'm not sure how to set them without triggering her and being abusive towards her.
 
My wife is a very honest and principled person
I understand that you care a lot about your wife. But there is no amount of lying you can do that justifies her hitting and punishing you.

As a person with PTSD, I have never hit anybody. There is no type of PTSD that would justify her hitting and punishing you.
PTSD does not force people who are awake to hit other people.

It sounds like your wife is giving you a lot of reasons why she is hurting you. (Including your lying and her ptsd). That is not an honest and principled thing to do.
 
This is abusive. Period. Point blank. This is her being violent and manipulative and using PTSD to justify it. This does not even sound like PTSD behavior.

And bullshit to her views on boundaries. You need boundaries in a healthy relationship. She is choosing to violate yours instead of respecting them.

When she gets triggered, she mimics the exact same responses I read about from PTSD. She goes into fight or flight but for her she is a strong fighter and will always fight back until she feels safe. She has extreme anxiety around a lot of things but really I'm the trigger 95% of the time because of my lying and betrayal by doing things behind her back when we first met.

Thanks so much to everyone that replied here. It really has given me a lot to think about because I'm not really sure what's going on in our relationship a lot of times.... I feel like I'm the abuser and she tells me that I'm the abuser but yet I'm the one who is constantly, berated, monitored, and controlled so that I'm always doing things the way she wants. But at the same time, I still lie and manipulate to get out of trouble when I think she's getting triggered. I feel a lot of guilt for what I've done so I'm not sure really where the line is between me and her in terms of the abuse. And I do think that a lot of her anxiety and PTSD all developed after I confessed what I had done behind her back.

A couple of days ago we had a really big fight again and I thought I'd share it here to get some perspective as it was rough...

We went to a concert from her favorite artist. When we first met she shared her favorite song with me and from bonding over that it became our song. Over time she's taken it back and didn't want to share it with me anymore. At the concert, she let me hold her hand during her favorite song which is the first time she's shared any part of this with me for a long time.

After the concert, we talked for a while about all different parts of it but I didn't remember or think about how she let me hold her hand and I didn't bring it up to her. Then later she asked me why I didn't bring it up and if it wasn't special to me. I felt a lot of anxiety when she said this as it felt like a fight was coming from the way she said it.

I said it was special and talked about how special it was. She said that's not what she asked and said that I didn't bring it up to her so it wasn't special. I argued it was special and she made an angry face and started getting triggered. She said I didn't think anything was special with us and how I could remember all the other details just like I could remember details about my ex and then I think she lightly slapped me. I told her it was special and not to slap me over something so special and that I was sorry for not bringing it up and held her in my lap.

She kept asking me why I didn't remember it and I said at one point that she was blocked and that's why. I stumbled over my words and meant to say I was blocked from it as she had before said she didn't want me to be part of this song anymore as it was her favorite song before she met me.

It was too late and later I went even worse and said that I didn't think I could talk about it. Not sure if I actually even said that but that's what she remembers. That really triggered things as she has said before that the only thing we can't talk about is her trauma (my ex and all my lies). She was yelling at me at this point as I was saying the reason why I forgot she held my hand is because of her trauma. I don't think that's what I meant but I was very nervous in the moment and I've said all kinds of shit before to get out of trouble when she starts getting triggered.

She stayed triggered for about an hour while making me stand and face her while I talked about what I did over and over and she critiqued me until I could hit all the points about how me forgetting a special moment and then blaming it on her trauma affected her. She took my phone while I was doing this and kept deleting pictures of me so that I would feel as hurt as she did.

It was getting really late and we had been talking for a long time with her continuing to be angry. Finally I faked a stomachache after 2+ hours of being made to stand at attention in front of her and confess every angle of what I had done over and over while she deleted pictures. She knew I was manipulating but finally decided to head to bed.

In the morning, she slapped me and after saying she didn't want to talk about it. She kicked me out of bed and made me stand and talk about it for another 2 hours.

I think again that as I write this I'm downplaying my actions. I've been here many times before where I lie or manipulate in the moment when she gets upset at me for something and I feel her anger coming. It always results in a huge fight where I need to confess again and again while she finds some way to hurt me back for hurting her. She didn't get like this when we first met although ever since I confessed what I did her temper has been crazy strong when I do something triggering (lying is a huge trigger).

She wasn't faking how upset she was, she was genuinely hurt and kept yelling things about my ex. She was really hurt and I feel really bad by what I did...even though I'm still not sure I was being manipulative. She did tell me that she wouldn't have been near as mad if I hadn't blamed things on her trauma and had just apologized and been genuinely sorry about not remembering the special moment.

I guess the biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is....how do I set healthy boundaries so that I can feel safe telling the truth when I do something wrong. Right now I think I instinctively come up with excuses as my own fight or flight reaction to her PTSD temper. But really I'm just not sure where the line is between us in terms of who is abusing who and how to fix it.
 
When she gets triggered, she mimics the exact same responses I read about from PTSD. She goes into fight or flight but for her she is a strong fighter and will always fight back until she feels safe. She has extreme anxiety around a lot of things but really I'm the trigger 95% of the time because of my lying and betrayal by doing things behind her back when we first met.

Thanks so much to everyone that replied here. It really has given me a lot to think about because I'm not really sure what's going on in our relationship a lot of times.... I feel like I'm the abuser and she tells me that I'm the abuser but yet I'm the one who is constantly, berated, monitored, and controlled so that I'm always doing things the way she wants. But at the same time, I still lie and manipulate to get out of trouble when I think she's getting triggered. I feel a lot of guilt for what I've done so I'm not sure really where the line is between me and her in terms of the abuse. And I do think that a lot of her anxiety and PTSD all developed after I confessed what I had done behind her back.

A couple of days ago we had a really big fight again and I thought I'd share it here to get some perspective as it was rough...

We went to a concert from her favorite artist. When we first met she shared her favorite song with me and from bonding over that it became our song. Over time she's taken it back and didn't want to share it with me anymore. At the concert, she let me hold her hand during her favorite song which is the first time she's shared any part of this with me for a long time.

After the concert, we talked for a while about all different parts of it but I didn't remember or think about how she let me hold her hand and I didn't bring it up to her. Then later she asked me why I didn't bring it up and if it wasn't special to me. I felt a lot of anxiety when she said this as it felt like a fight was coming from the way she said it.

I said it was special and talked about how special it was. She said that's not what she asked and said that I didn't bring it up to her so it wasn't special. I argued it was special and she made an angry face and started getting triggered. She said I didn't think anything was special with us and how I could remember all the other details just like I could remember details about my ex and then I think she lightly slapped me. I told her it was special and not to slap me over something so special and that I was sorry for not bringing it up and held her in my lap.

She kept asking me why I didn't remember it and I said at one point that she was blocked and that's why. I stumbled over my words and meant to say I was blocked from it as she had before said she didn't want me to be part of this song anymore as it was her favorite song before she met me.

It was too late and later I went even worse and said that I didn't think I could talk about it. Not sure if I actually even said that but that's what she remembers. That really triggered things as she has said before that the only thing we can't talk about is her trauma (my ex and all my lies). She was yelling at me at this point as I was saying the reason why I forgot she held my hand is because of her trauma. I don't think that's what I meant but I was very nervous in the moment and I've said all kinds of shit before to get out of trouble when she starts getting triggered.

She stayed triggered for about an hour while making me stand and face her while I talked about what I did over and over and she critiqued me until I could hit all the points about how me forgetting a special moment and then blaming it on her trauma affected her. She took my phone while I was doing this and kept deleting pictures of me so that I would feel as hurt as she did.

It was getting really late and we had been talking for a long time with her continuing to be angry. Finally I faked a stomachache after 2+ hours of being made to stand at attention in front of her and confess every angle of what I had done over and over while she deleted pictures. She knew I was manipulating but finally decided to head to bed.

In the morning, she slapped me and after saying she didn't want to talk about it. She kicked me out of bed and made me stand and talk about it for another 2 hours.

I think again that as I write this I'm downplaying my actions. I've been here many times before where I lie or manipulate in the moment when she gets upset at me for something and I feel her anger coming. It always results in a huge fight where I need to confess again and again while she finds some way to hurt me back for hurting her. She didn't get like this when we first met although ever since I confessed what I did her temper has been crazy strong when I do something triggering (lying is a huge trigger).

She wasn't faking how upset she was, she was genuinely hurt and kept yelling things about my ex. She was really hurt and I feel really bad by what I did...even though I'm still not sure I was being manipulative. She did tell me that she wouldn't have been near as mad if I hadn't blamed things on her trauma and had just apologized and been genuinely sorry about not remembering the special moment.

I guess the biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is....how do I set healthy boundaries so that I can feel safe telling the truth when I do something wrong. Right now I think I instinctively come up with excuses as my own fight or flight reaction to her PTSD temper. But really I'm just not sure where the line is between us in terms of who is abusing who and how to fix it.

I don't mean to sound ignorant - I'm just asking the question...

What do you hope to build in this relationship?

And do you think you can build it, if she won't forgive you for something you did in the past (PTSD or not)?

If she's behaving this way, I'm not sure how you can possibly have a happy future.

And if you feel ashamed and abusive, it's not really a surprise - abused people often to take on shame without even realising.

I'm not sure this is a time to set boundaries, it sounds like it's a time to leave.

But if you're going to set boundaries, it'd be something like:

"If you slap me, I immediately leave the house for two hours until you've calmed down."

Or

"If you raise your voice, I immediately leave for one hour"

She needs therapy (it sounds like you'd benefit from it too).

This relationship is currently not right for either of you.

Time to do something different!
 
My wife ultimately developed CPTSD from my lying
That’s impossible.

MANY things result from lying. PTSD? CPTSD? Is. Not. One. Of. Them. Although many far worse things are. PTSD/CPTSD are very “middling” disorders/conditions, with very discrete causes. “No hell/fury like a woman scorned” is FAR WORSE than PTSD, and infinitely more varied. With the right/wrong kind of woman. Some women scorned? Will simply delete you from their lives. Some will bear a grudge, and actively damage you, your property, your life, your loved ones. Others will incinerate your life, and the lives of everyone you have ever known, whilst you watch. None of which? Is PTSD/CPTSD.

My wife is a very honest and principled person who was extremely broken by all of this.
Extremely probable, even likely/expected. Neither of which are PTSD. Which affects apx 1/5th of the population that has been exposed to LIFE THREATENING or SEXUAL trauma. Not 100%. Only? 20%. Did your ex rape your wife? Hold a knife to her throat or gun to her head? Rape, pour gasoline, and set your children on fire in front of her? (PTSD level trauma). IF So? Then PTSD is 20% possible. That’s it. If she burned your children alive. In front of her. If not? And she simply called/harassed/show up, slash tires, etc.? Infuriated, certainly.

Life. Threatening. Or. Sexual. Trauma.

That’s PTSD. WELL. ABOUT 1/5th of people who experience life threatening or special trauma.

Your wife experienced that?

Or experienced the total heartbreaking/shattering/betraying loss of trust brought about by your lying to her?
 
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Thank you so much for all your responses here. I hope that this isn't too off topic and hope I'm not taking away from other posters on here. I haven't been able to talk about any of this for the past 5 years and the responses here are really helping me to realize a bit more about what's going on and how I can approach things.

Can we call it for what it is?

This isn’t ‘PTSD temper’. This is domestic violence.

Can you reach out to DV supports in your area?

I'm larger and can defend myself. We're financially secure and I could leave if I needed to. I don't want to involve an outside party. She loses it but there's a limit to things at which point I can push her away and distance myself. I've let it go too far sometimes (choking tell I pass out etc) but that's not happening much anymore and I want to instead work on things I can do to help us through these situations and stop them earlier on before the episode gets to violence. I've hurt her so much emotionally with my actions and manipulation and she is genuinely suffering because of that, it's not a temper for no reason and it feels more like a CPTSD response than an anger issue.

Nothing you’ve described remotely sounds like PTSD responses. It is abuse. Was she actually diagnosed by a professional with PTSD?
She was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety about a year after I confessed to her. That was one session and she hasn't seen a therapist again. She'd never had an issue with either before. Her symptoms during her episodes match very closely with anything I read about PTSD responses and she herself has read things online too and identifies with PTSD. She is anxious about seeing anyone and talking about any of this and one day hopes to see a therapist but not ready for it again.

What do you hope to build in this relationship?

And do you think you can build it, if she won't forgive you for something you did in the past (PTSD or not)?

I love her and we have a pretty decent relationship when she isn't triggered. We've been together almost every minute for the past few years since COVID as we both worked from home and we're very attached. We have made so many memories and traveled all over together but there is this Dr. Jekyll and Hyde side that comes out. She's very sweet most of the time but when I do something that triggers her something totally different comes out. She has labeled me as abusive and I agree with her that the way I manipulate when she calls me out on things is abusive and I have gaslighted in the past....but I also think a good chunk of it is because I'm afraid of being wrong and that causing a big fight (which in turn ends up in a bigger fight about me manipulating).

I'm not sure this is a time to set boundaries, it sounds like it's a time to leave.

But if you're going to set boundaries, it'd be something like:

"If you slap me, I immediately leave the house for two hours until you've calmed down."

I think this is what I need to do. I've tried this in the past and she ended up destroying a lot of my things and had a breakdown when I left. I think we're in a better place now though and I just need to be firm on this one. In the recent past when I've said I would leave or tried to set a boundary she's only gotten more angry and I've caved.

No hell/fury like a woman scorned” is FAR WORSE than PTSD, and infinitely more varied. With the right/wrong kind of woman. Some women scorned? Will simply delete you from their lives. Some will bear a grudge, and actively damage you, your property, your life, your loved ones. Others will incinerate your life, and the lives of everyone you have ever known, whilst you watch. None of which? Is PTSD/CPTSD.

What can I do here? She isn't actively damaging me if I don't trigger her but there are many many things that trigger her that I do and it's really hard to completely stop. Not to mention some of her triggers require me to be very controlled to avoid. I've read a bunch on CPTSD and there are a lot of articles out there that talk about how cheating/betrayal can trigger CPTSD and that seems to be what's going on here. She gets triggered by anything I do that reminds her of me during the period where I was lying to her and doing work/loaning money behind her back. She is doing better managing these triggers than she was a few years ago but it still ends up in a 1-2 hour fight every week and a full day fight probably every month or so.
 
What can I do here? She isn't actively damaging me if I don't trigger her but there are many many things that trigger her that I do and it's really hard to completely stop
She’s abusive.

Blaming yourself for the abuse? Well, there’s an anthem for that.

MOST abusive people are abusive “for reasons”.

You? Are. Not. The. Cause. FOR. Those. Reasons.

So knock it the f*ck off, find your spine, and REFUSE.

Or not. And keep blaming yourself. Turning her INTO her demons. Just another victim. Of her. And her abusers. or? Quit f*cking accepting it and FIGHT BACK. Leave. Refuse to be a piece in the parlor game. SHE was abused, and has BECOME an abuser, so now YOU are abused. break the cycle. Or? Continue it.
 
I cannot second what @Friday said more strongly.

The most likely scenario, @scruffybiscuit, is that you end up in jail when you try to separate yourself and her after she attacks you yet again. This might actually be the best case scenario for you, especially if it propels you out of your abusive relationship.

Another possibility is that you end up dead, because she's already resorted to violence against you, and it's just a small step past that to killing someone for someone already abusive like your partner is.

Or you may end up with PTSD and only wish that you were dead. Hi. That's what happened to me personally, a man abused by his wife (and by the way, she also had PTSD). That happened more than 20 years ago, and only right now can I say that my PTSD is well-controlled.

The sooner you get out, the less likely any of these things will happen to you. The longer you wait, the more likely it will be that one of these things will happen to you.

I get it. I was there once, and I never thought it could happen to me. I thought I deserved all the shit she did to me because I was a shitty partner and person. But I'm afraid that she was the shitty one - just like your partner. That sucks, because that means it is up to you to do something. I remember that, and how I really, really didn't want to do anything, and especially I did NOT want to leave - doing anything at all seemed terribly difficult and wrong.

But f*ck that. You have to leave anyway.
 

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