scruffybiscuit
New Here
Hello,
I'm going to try and keep this short as I could write pages and pages about the history of my wife and I's relationship. The short is that when we first met I had recently broken up with an ex and was still helping her with a business she was working on. I ended up loaning her most of my money at the time as I believed her when she kept telling me how much she was making and how soon I would get it back. I was still loaning her money for the first month after I met my wife. I told my wife some of this but there were a lot of lies and ultimately 6 months into our relationship I confessed that I had been doing more than I had been letting on and there were a lot of lies that I had told I needed to unravel. I had never seen the ex again in person, but I had kept doing favors and talking to her hoping to get my money back.
My wife ultimately developed CPTSD from my lying and the ensuing harassment from my ex who went crazy after I cut her off and kept harassing my wife whom she'd never even met. My wife is a very honest and principled person who was extremely broken by all of this. She loved me more than anyone I had met and did so much for me and gave up so much of herself in those first 6 months while I lied. We tried to move forward despite her developing hundreds of triggers from unraveling all of my lies, learning all the details of my previous relationship, and dealing with tons of harassment from someone she'd never met. Meanwhile, my mom called my wife jealous and after numerous fights with her, my wife told me that I needed to cut all of my family off permanently. I also had to cut off all my friends as I kept prioritizing them over my wife when she was trying to recover from all of this.
She developed containment OCD from COVID and is extremely anxious most of the time. At one point during COVID, I called the police as I was worried about her self-harming after I drove away when she had beaten me up one morning and been very depressed. This happened after I triggered her every day for a week for almost the same reason (parts of her morning rituals and breakfast I kept forgetting or interrupting) and her close relative was on their deathbed at the same time and she was dealing with a lot. I just wanted her to get help but she ended up being arrested and developed more trauma from that, thankfully I got a good lawyer and got everything dismissed.
7 years later. We've been married for 6 years and my wife still gets triggered by me at least once a week. I haven't had any contact with family or friends since 2020. My wife and I are currently traveling internationally and things seem to be getting better between us but it's still really hard. She's extremely sweet most of the time but when I trigger her she will start screaming about my ex and it will sometimes move to the point of physical abuse. Thankfully, the physical part has gone from almost daily to 2-3 times a month and will usually just be some slapping and choking when it used to be punching, scratching, and drawing blood.
I'm not sure how to talk about this as it really makes my wife sound a lot worse than she is and doesn't account for how terrible I have been. She also does a ton for me and always prioritizes my needs despite how much I've hurt her. I know we need help but she won't trust us talking to any therapist after we saw a couple's counselor and I texted them a picture of a black eye she gave me. She also had some pretty negative experiences with another therapist in the past who told her that I was abusive.
I want to set boundaries with my wife but anytime I try it ends up in her wearing me down until I remove them. As an example, last night she asked me to get ready for bed and open her luggage a few times. I completely forgot to open her luggage for her even after she asked me 3 times because she was worried I might forget as I seemed spacey. When she started getting triggered because I never listen to her but listened to my ex (her words), I said "holy shit" which just caused her to get even more triggered. After yelling at me and then making me talk about what I did wrong until she felt heard, she made me stand and face the wall and reflect for 20 mins about what I did while she got ready for bed. This happens most of the time we fight.
When she got in bed, she brought my phone and said she was going to delete pictures of me for punishment. She often does this and has deleted many memories from my and her phone so that I learn not to trigger and hurt her and respect her. I was feeling really arrogant and so I grabbed my phone from her forcefully and said that I'm setting a boundary and that she can't do this anymore. She got triggered by this as she says that I would let my ex do anything to me to the extent of financially abusing me and putting me into credit card debt (which is true). She says she won't be with me if there's boundaries because I let everyone else in my life walk all over me and never set boundaries except with her. This is really hurtful as I have been taking advantage of by everyone else and I abused her by lying to her and manipulating her again and again when we met.
She started crying and I threw a fit and started pulling my hair as I had so much anxiety over her anger and yelling at me. She responded by getting her phone and saying she was going to delete the last pictures she took of me with my grandma before she died. She said she did it and I cried and cried and cried. It was to punish me for manipulating by throwing a fit at her and forcefully grabbing my phone from her when usually I let her get her anger out by deleting pictures. After that, I got in bed and slept.
In the morning, her PTSD cup was empty and she told me that she didn't actually delete the picture but instead deleted other pictures that weren't important. She slapped me for throwing a fit and asked if we could have a good day today as she was feeling really depressed after our fight and the fit I threw at her last night. Then she asked me if she could delete pictures on my phone if she wanted. I said yes she could and that I was sorry for telling her no and being forceful. We made up and had a great day together.
I really feel like I'm painting her negatively here when I've been extremely manipulative and throw fits to control her when she gets triggered instead of being the calm one and just taking it and admitting what I did wrong. Overall though, I do feel like we need some boundaries but I'm not sure how to set them without triggering her and being abusive towards her.
I'm going to try and keep this short as I could write pages and pages about the history of my wife and I's relationship. The short is that when we first met I had recently broken up with an ex and was still helping her with a business she was working on. I ended up loaning her most of my money at the time as I believed her when she kept telling me how much she was making and how soon I would get it back. I was still loaning her money for the first month after I met my wife. I told my wife some of this but there were a lot of lies and ultimately 6 months into our relationship I confessed that I had been doing more than I had been letting on and there were a lot of lies that I had told I needed to unravel. I had never seen the ex again in person, but I had kept doing favors and talking to her hoping to get my money back.
My wife ultimately developed CPTSD from my lying and the ensuing harassment from my ex who went crazy after I cut her off and kept harassing my wife whom she'd never even met. My wife is a very honest and principled person who was extremely broken by all of this. She loved me more than anyone I had met and did so much for me and gave up so much of herself in those first 6 months while I lied. We tried to move forward despite her developing hundreds of triggers from unraveling all of my lies, learning all the details of my previous relationship, and dealing with tons of harassment from someone she'd never met. Meanwhile, my mom called my wife jealous and after numerous fights with her, my wife told me that I needed to cut all of my family off permanently. I also had to cut off all my friends as I kept prioritizing them over my wife when she was trying to recover from all of this.
She developed containment OCD from COVID and is extremely anxious most of the time. At one point during COVID, I called the police as I was worried about her self-harming after I drove away when she had beaten me up one morning and been very depressed. This happened after I triggered her every day for a week for almost the same reason (parts of her morning rituals and breakfast I kept forgetting or interrupting) and her close relative was on their deathbed at the same time and she was dealing with a lot. I just wanted her to get help but she ended up being arrested and developed more trauma from that, thankfully I got a good lawyer and got everything dismissed.
7 years later. We've been married for 6 years and my wife still gets triggered by me at least once a week. I haven't had any contact with family or friends since 2020. My wife and I are currently traveling internationally and things seem to be getting better between us but it's still really hard. She's extremely sweet most of the time but when I trigger her she will start screaming about my ex and it will sometimes move to the point of physical abuse. Thankfully, the physical part has gone from almost daily to 2-3 times a month and will usually just be some slapping and choking when it used to be punching, scratching, and drawing blood.
I'm not sure how to talk about this as it really makes my wife sound a lot worse than she is and doesn't account for how terrible I have been. She also does a ton for me and always prioritizes my needs despite how much I've hurt her. I know we need help but she won't trust us talking to any therapist after we saw a couple's counselor and I texted them a picture of a black eye she gave me. She also had some pretty negative experiences with another therapist in the past who told her that I was abusive.
I want to set boundaries with my wife but anytime I try it ends up in her wearing me down until I remove them. As an example, last night she asked me to get ready for bed and open her luggage a few times. I completely forgot to open her luggage for her even after she asked me 3 times because she was worried I might forget as I seemed spacey. When she started getting triggered because I never listen to her but listened to my ex (her words), I said "holy shit" which just caused her to get even more triggered. After yelling at me and then making me talk about what I did wrong until she felt heard, she made me stand and face the wall and reflect for 20 mins about what I did while she got ready for bed. This happens most of the time we fight.
When she got in bed, she brought my phone and said she was going to delete pictures of me for punishment. She often does this and has deleted many memories from my and her phone so that I learn not to trigger and hurt her and respect her. I was feeling really arrogant and so I grabbed my phone from her forcefully and said that I'm setting a boundary and that she can't do this anymore. She got triggered by this as she says that I would let my ex do anything to me to the extent of financially abusing me and putting me into credit card debt (which is true). She says she won't be with me if there's boundaries because I let everyone else in my life walk all over me and never set boundaries except with her. This is really hurtful as I have been taking advantage of by everyone else and I abused her by lying to her and manipulating her again and again when we met.
She started crying and I threw a fit and started pulling my hair as I had so much anxiety over her anger and yelling at me. She responded by getting her phone and saying she was going to delete the last pictures she took of me with my grandma before she died. She said she did it and I cried and cried and cried. It was to punish me for manipulating by throwing a fit at her and forcefully grabbing my phone from her when usually I let her get her anger out by deleting pictures. After that, I got in bed and slept.
In the morning, her PTSD cup was empty and she told me that she didn't actually delete the picture but instead deleted other pictures that weren't important. She slapped me for throwing a fit and asked if we could have a good day today as she was feeling really depressed after our fight and the fit I threw at her last night. Then she asked me if she could delete pictures on my phone if she wanted. I said yes she could and that I was sorry for telling her no and being forceful. We made up and had a great day together.
I really feel like I'm painting her negatively here when I've been extremely manipulative and throw fits to control her when she gets triggered instead of being the calm one and just taking it and admitting what I did wrong. Overall though, I do feel like we need some boundaries but I'm not sure how to set them without triggering her and being abusive towards her.