General My wife was raped & I am struggling to understand/move forward

[1981vg]

I have been with my Wife for 15 years & married for nearly 13. We have 2 kids we have raised together (17) & (13). (17) was hers from a previous relationship, I have raised him from 2yrs old, the Dad is not involved. Up until 4 years ago I would say we had a very happy & normal marriage. Always spend good quality family time together, our relationship has always been good in the bedroom & I never had anything to complain about.

2020 whilst in lockdown I saved photos from a local women’s (26)(social media profile & made a nude image. The strange thing with it I accidentally save the images to my laptop which my wife found. One day she used my laptop & she found them. I have spent all the time since it happens trying to prove to her it was nothing more than a on off & meant nothing to me. I never had a ‘thing’ for the women it was a one off thing.

Since then my wife’s MH went in decline. She changed her job to a different role within the company & it didn’t work out. They were horrible to her & her MH worsened. Eventually she left & started working in a new & completely different career. She was & still is happy where she works now. So far throughout this story/explanation she has had random MH wobbles which she would bring up what I did 4 years ago & in result left both of us feeling shitty. I would always reassure her & tell her how much I loved her & I was not interested in anyone else.

Since my wife new job role she has been getting paid more money & has started going out drinking/partying a lot.(last 3/4 months) as I said she would have MH wobbles & it did result in her telling me 2 months ago(17th September) that she didn’t love me like she should. I was going to move out of the family home, only to be told to stay & let’s work it out so I did.

Slowly we have tried to built our relationship back up a few date nights & family trips out & even went away for a 4 day break abroad. Things were looking good for us again. Our sexlife was better than ever & times I felt like newlyweds.

As I said she started going out to these party nights & she was getting pretty drunk. Most of the time she was out & I would pick her & her friend up & drop them home. I had two encounters driving her home drunk, one involved us having sex parked up & the other was just oral. As much as it was exciting both times I felt as if she got off on it in terms of a one night stand kind of vibe.

Since then we have been pretty rampant & as much as I am not complaining I took it all in my stride so to speak.

Nearly 3 weeks ago(17th November)my wife went out & got totally bladdered & in one of the pubs she was in she ended up snogging a random guy in there 3/4 times as she had no memory of this. We only know this because he sent her a message on snap chat outlining that his friend has a video of them snogging. With that I asked her to ring him through the app & he confirmed that they did snog 3/4 time to my total shock & horror. I have since found out from her friends it has not been uncommon for her to chat/flirt with guys on nights out & gets drinks bought for her. I have expressed that this is not acceptable behaviour for a wife with 2 kids.

When she left that pub she then moved on to another bar/club where her friend left her around 1am. My wife continued to stay in the bar till close which was meant to be 3am. With kicking out time & staggering out etc she made her way out. She has scattered memories of the night which she ended up getting into a taxi with two fellas. She then arrived at one of the guys houses & she ended up in the bedroom & she doesn’t remember giving consent & was raped. The next day in his bed she was covered in bruises. I mean all up her legs & arms. Even had a mark on her lip. I am totally beside myself with worry & the police are dealing with it. We think this is just alcohol related but she could have been drugged. I think she was/is having a midlife crisis & she has promised to never drink again. Any help in how I am able to move forward. Thank you for reading x

 

[enough]

my wife was raped and it has been a struggle to remain patient with her recovery. After 8 years, i can look back and see the good times were when i was patient and could see the long term picture, the bad times were when i only saw what was happening that day/week/ month and let it affect my long term outlook for us.
40 years married next month. Raised kids. Grandkids now. Wasn't supposed to be like this. Could be worse, can be better. After a rape patience is the best skill to learn, good advice i got and pass on

 

[1981vg]

my wife was raped and it has been a struggle to remain patient with her recovery. After 8 years, i can look back and see the good times were when i was patient and could see the long term picture, the bad times were when i only saw what was happening that day/week/ month and let it affect my long term outlook for us.
40 years married next month. Raised kids. Grandkids now. Wasn't supposed to be like this. Could be worse, can be better. After a rape patience is the best skill to learn, good advice i got and pass on

Hi, thank you for your reply, so pleased you battled through.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's very very early days. It must still be a shock for you both?

What are you struggling with? Knowing how to support her? And knowing how to work through your feelings about it all?

 

[1981vg]

Hi yeah struggling to feel like I trust her because of how she ended up at the house. What part of the evening was consensual.
I really want to support her & be the husband she deserves. How am I supposed to deal with it all & put my feelings aside. I am having sleepless nights & I am on tablets. When I take them I do sleep but when I don’t take them I have bad thoughts. I am trying to be patient but sometimes it gets on top of me.

how do I support her correctly?

How do I work my feelings through it?

Thanks

 

[Friday]

Hi yeah struggling to feel like I trust her because of how she ended up at the house.

Try thinking of rape like bank robbery.

It doesn’t matter if the bank has a crappy security system, no guard on duty, is on the corner between 2 major freeways, next to a marina, in the worst neighborhood in the city, and the locks to the doors are broken. It doesn’t matter how tempting a target it is. It doesn’t matter how easy it is to rob. It. doesn’t. even. matter. if the thieves aren’t committing armed robbery, in broad daylight, in front of upstanding witnesses, whilst being recorded… but managed to commit their crimes in the dead of night, computer memory & video/audio hard drives wiped, (the tech version of rohypnol, or being passed out drunk, and waking up torn up from the street up) so the bank didn’t even know it had been robbed until later.

In order for a bank to be robbed? There have to be bank robbers, who decide to rob it. And if those bank robbers are caught? The police don’t just let them go because the bank was practically begging for it. An insurance company will take a helluva lot dimmer view, but the justice system doesn’t just shrug and say only the hardest targets (3% of all banks hit) can “be” robbed, and only those 3% of robbers prosecuted for the crimes they committed.

It’s wacky, right? The first time thinking of rape like bank robbery.

how do I support her correctly?

How do I work my feelings through it?

PTSD is only one of maaaaaaaaaaaany many many possible end results of rape. There are literally hundreds of options, some full blown psychiatric conditions, some not. Some perm some temporary. The wealth of our shared experience HERE, on this site, is narrowed to that single possibility amongst hundreds.

RAINN, however, does ALL things sexual assault. Their narrowed focus is on the trauma instead of the other way around… AND they have support for friends & family. They’re a tremendous resource for victims, family, communities, activists attempting to change both law & societal stigma, researchers, educators, & law enforcement.

Best of luck, to you both.

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi yeah struggling to feel like I trust her because of how she ended up at the house. What part of the evening was consensual.

I can understand that. She's kissed people and therefore cheated before. You're told she flirts and has drinks bought for her. It's understandable that this is bringing up all sorts of feelings of "did she flirt? Did she agree to get in the car with them? Did she kiss them?". I.e. was there any sort of behaviour that diverts away from the 'rules' of marriage before the rape? Do you have space to be upset about that if there was, when she was then raped and is going through something horrendous? Etc etc etc.
A massive midfield that is very complicated.

Right now, finding an outlet for your emotions about all this away from her might help. So that you can focus on supporting her in the immediate aftermath of significant trauma. But that you get a release and space to express your feelings somewhere.
Do you have such a space (other than here of course)?

In terms of supporting her. What support does she say she needs? Asking her might help, but she also might not know right now either.
Listening, being there, validating, are all things that will help. There is no easy fix with this. And there is no going back to 'before the rape'. It's learning to accept the experience that rape will now be part of her story (and yours), and the journey of healing after it.

 

[scout86]

You mentioned she had some mental health issues to begin with. Is she getting any professional help? She might benefit from it. The rape might even be a good excuse to seek it out, if she's not already seeing a therapist. I'd be willing to bet that there's something else going on that contributed to the current situation and that needs to be dealt with too.