I am struggling with a reason to keep fighting

[Solveig]

I keep trying to figure out reasons to keep going and I am coming up empty.

I hear this part of me in excruciating mental agontly, saying to me "Please stop. Don't drag me through yet another exercise in trying to believe it's ever going to get better. Why are you doing this to me? I am pleading with you to stop making me continue. It is just another delay. Meanwhile this painful existence just keeps getting worse. Just let me go."

I have ONLY my psychologist as my safe place, with earned trust. In this place I am in, she has ramped up visits (3 a week for a month). But she can only go so far. I believe without a doubt I am unloved and alone and a mistake. She can care as hard as she can, but she is still not family or friend: it is a contracted relationship. And my spouse (who has told me she wishes I would just get it over with and end myself) said she talked with her counselor and they said they think my relationship with my psychologist is unhealthy. But I would likely not be alive if I didn't have my psychologist- since I trust no one else. But that judgement makes me question myself and I feel more alone.

I am so tired. I am trying to come up with a reason to see my psychologist for our appointment tomorrow, but my heart keeps saying, begging and pleading, "Please just let me go!"

 

[Friday]

If you need a reason? You're gonna hit some seeeerioisly dark and painful stretches.

For me'own'self? Just because I can't see the point, doesn't mean there isn't one. Or several. It just means I can't see it! Or them!

Later, when I'm doing better? Pfft the point(s) clear as day, impossible to miss. Which means I was seeeeeriously busy dealing with other shit, to not be able to see it. And grateful as hell I wasn't beating myself up, on top of everything else, demanding to see/know/understand something I'm too f*cked up to do anything about.

Because I've done that, too. Just makes hard shit harder, and take longer. Which I'd rather not do. So these days? If I can't see the point? I'm not fussed. I've got other things going on. Once I'm doing better, it'll / they'll still be there.

 

[Solveig]

If you need a reason? You're gonna hit some seeeerioisly dark and painful stretches.

For me'own'self? Just because I can't see the point, doesn't mean there isn't one. Or several. It just means I can't see it! Or them!

Later, when I'm doing better? Pfft the point(s) clear as day, impossible to miss. Which means I was seeeeeriously busy dealing with other shit, to not be able to see it. And grateful as hell I wasn't beating myself up, on top of everything else, demanding to see/know/understand something I'm too f*cked up to do anything about.

Because I've done that, too. Just makes hard shit harder, and take longer. Which I'd rather not do. So these days? If I can't see the point? I'm not fussed. I've got other things going on. Once I'm doing better, it'll / they'll still be there.

I haven't found a point in three plus years and that is getting exhausting. I feel like i am treading water and my entire being is getting tired of the strain and is losing strength to keep swimming.

 

[whiteraven]

I keep trying to figure out reasons to keep going and I am coming up empty.

When I stopped looking for reasons, I found one. My cats.

Meanwhile this painful existence just keeps getting worse. Just let me go."

I don't know if you've ever had anyone close to you die by suicide, but I have. Two family members, and a number of patients on the unit where I worked. And, if for no other reason than I don't want to be the one to make other people feel that awful, I'll stick around. Don't feel loved? Me neither. But I know what it feels like when I hear that *anyone* has died by suicide, and I don't want to be responsible for that. I am deeply affected by others deaths, even strangers I have never met.

I have ONLY my psychologist as my safe place, with earned trust. I

Yep. Me, too. And sometimes not even there.

And my spouse (who has told me she wishes I would just get it over with and end myself)

Well, it doesn't sound like you are getting any support there. That probably doesn't help.

 

[Solveig]

When I stopped looking for reasons, I found one. My cats.

I don't know if you've ever had anyone close to you die by suicide, but I have. Two family members, and a number of patients on the unit where I worked. And, if for no other reason than I don't want to be the one to make other people feel that awful, I'll stick around. Don't feel loved? Me neither. But I know what it feels like when I hear that *anyone* has died by suicide, and I don't want to be responsible for that. I am deeply affected by others deaths, even strangers I have never met.

Yep. Me, too. And sometimes not even there.

Well, it doesn't sound like you are getting any support there. That probably doesn't help.

The only silver of "want" to try another day is just because I just want to see my psychologist for the sake of seeing her - but that doesn't seem sustainable in the big picture and if I do end up not making it, I'd prefer we have some time apart to protect her from any repercussions.

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds very very exhausting and lonely.

I second what @whiteraven said about the impact of suicide on those left, and how awful that is. And not wanting to be the person that leaves that impact.

I also second what @whiteraven says about pets. Is getting a pet doable?

 

[arfie]

gentle empathy, solveig. it can be hard to keep on keeping on.

when i am on the brink of giving up, i find my reasons to go on in appreciating the little things. the butterfly landing on my shoulder. the breeze on my skin. squirrels frolicking in the trees. the literal chickens working out their daily pecking order. from a safe social distance, the metaphorical chickens can be equally entertaining in their daily pecking orders.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @Solveig . I am very sorry to hear of your desperate situation. What country are you in? Can you get a counselor/therapist? I really think you need one aside from your psychologist. Don't give up. What family do you have? Any children?

I have been where you are now along with many others on this site. Long term counselling helped me along with medication. When was the last time you felt happy? What did that mean to you? What did it involve? Sometimes we only have glimmers of hope and happiness that last a few seconds or even micro seconds.

Maybe you need a lifestyle change to improve your mood. Hobbies, fitness etc..

 

[Solveig]

Hello @Solveig . I am very sorry to hear of your desperate situation. What country are you in? Can you get a counselor/therapist? I really think you need one aside from your psychologist. Don't give up. What family do you have? Any children?

I have been where you are now along with many others on this site. Long term counselling helped me along with medication. When was the last time you felt happy? What did that mean to you? What did it involve? Sometimes we only have glimmers of hope and happiness that last a few seconds or even micro seconds.

Maybe you need a lifestyle change to improve your mood. Hobbies, fitness etc..

I have a psychologist I have been working with for over 10 years now and she has seen me through some big transitions and a lot of pain and a nervous breakdown three years ago that I'm still recovering from. However I have lost all hope and only feel excruciating mental anguish. I believe, without a doubt, that it was a mistake that I am here. And I hate myself more than I have ever and I have hated myself deeply since I was 8 years old and I'm 50 now. I see zero solution to any of this because I'm can't see anything else but that I am a mistake and a cancer in the world, bringing down people wherever I go.

I write posts here and I read responses, hoping to feel something or have something "click" to allow in hope. But hope is a dangerous thing.

I truly just want this pain to be over and I only see suicide as the way out. No matter what anyone does or says, the trauma and abandonment and broken trust over my entire life has steeped me behind some very strong defenses and nothing is changing the way I see myself. Nothing. I hate myself more than anything. I am a mistake. I sleep whenever I can, avoid everyone whenever I can because I'm so broken to my core that I can't cope. When I am alone, I just fall apart and cry.

There is a place on the other side of the state that my psychologist wants me to go to for a month to help me get more intensive help. But I can't afford it, even with insurance and I don't have enough leave at work to take a month off and I already feel on shaky ground at work because they know I'm mentally struggling.

When I was a kid in physical education class and we'd play dodge ball, it was always chaotic and I couldn't cope with it. So I always just pretended to get hit by the ball and went and sat it out, just refusing to play that brutal stupid game. That is what I want to do now more than anything. I mean I don't WANT this to be the only solution I have, but it is. The traumatized and abandoned child in me deserved better in life, but I am alone and have been always alone and there just isn't anyone I trust enough or believe actually cares. At this point, it feels extremely cruel to keep living in this anguish, drawing out the inevitable only to feel more agony.

I am alone and unloved and just a mistake. I don't know how to change any of those beliefs because the evidence of my life feel so strong and there is nothing strong enough to counter it. My psychologist cares but she is not part of the "real world". We work together, we have for 10 years and we are close, but she is still "just" my psychologist. The purpose of therapy is to not need therapy, ultimately.

There is no fixing this.

 

[Solveig]

When was the last time you felt happy?

I really don't remember what feeling happy or joy is like. It has been a long, long while. I'm answering seriously here.

 

[Survivor3]

I really don't remember what feeling happy or joy is like. It has been a long, long while. I'm answering seriously here.

I'm so sorry, you sound very depressed. Do you take medication? the place that you live, is it a town?,city? Does it have any facilities? Like sports or arts? Places to go visit or get involved with? Exercise and arts can make you feel better. What about support groups? Can you ask your psychologist about support groups so your not alone all the time? I think you really could do with focusing on those things so your not struggling and ruminating on your own all the time.

 

[Weemie]

No one reason is better than another. Ultimately humans don't need a reason to be alive. Absent physiological trauma beyond our capacity, we will continue to maintain homeostasis until our telomeres degrade past functional utility.

We don't need reasons to live, we do need reasons to die. You've hit a point where your reason for dying is more compelling than staying alive by default. But if your reason for death is simply a lack of reason to live, I would argue that is just as purposeless.

We get to pick our reasons. I stay alive because I like playing video games and watching TV. I like chatting to people online. I like going for walks and petting my cat. Just because it's not a fantastical reason doesn't mean it is a bad one. Your reason right now seems to be your psychologist and that's perfectly valid. It doesn't ultimately matter if it's transactional, it is keeping you going and that's good enough.

Most relationships are transactional, that doesn't render them without value. Perhaps you can switch your focus from having friends to being a friend. We have a whole world at our fingertips, there are lots of people who would be happy to speak to you for its own sake. People are doing so right now. There is care for you right here, evidenced and real.

But you're right, people aren't going to randomly love you or even like you while you're holed up and isolated. You have to be a friend, most people don't have friends by default. When I struggle in this manner it assists me to focus instead on being kind to others. That has another benefit in that doing so causes them to like me more, which provides me with necessary social interaction.

But there's nothing about you that should cause a reasonable person to despise you just because you exist. You may feel like that's true because you've been bullied, but those feelings aren't facts. Trauma causes us to be alienated from our communities, and the only real remedy to that is social integration.

Focus on finding a hobby. Find ways to improve the moment you are in. Don't worry about the existential shit. Eat a good meal, play a game, have a chat. You can't solve everything at once, but you can start by solving this moment.