Dom Violence How to move forward and set boundaries

[Movingforward10]

What if what she did to me in the past was just reactive abuse and the controlling behavior she has today is because she’s scared of me putting her in that place today? What would you say to that?

That you have the mindset of an abused person who can't see the behaviour you're accepting as abuse.

In healthy arguments, everyone has autonomy. You don't need to agree. But you are both free to think. And also, the argument ends. And it's done. It doesn't get dragged up over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It doesn't get used as an excuse for future behaviour.
What you are in is a highly toxic and abusive relationship.
And you're finding lots of ways to justify the situation as facing the reality is crushing.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

At least keep a diary of the events as they happen. I suspect that you will find a pattern, like an event every 60 or 90 days and that cycle will be repeated over and over again. It is easy to lie to ourselves. No one should live like what you have told us. As a human being you deserve love, respect and basic dignity. That rules out violence in any form.

 

[anw81]

Damn...this is so tough as I really do some terrible things and it's hard to call it "reactive" abuse, especially when I'm the trigger. And I think the cycle here is more like 7-10 days instead of 60-90. The last week was so great and we had an awesome thanksgiving and felt like we were getting closer and more intimate...and then I messed up.

Yesterday was another fight. It started as I went to the bathroom to just pee and took 10 minutes as I got distracted by my phone. When I came back she asked what took so long and I lied and said I just peed. She kept asking and I kept saying it was just a long pee. I told her I did not do anything else and kept lying until finally she had me show her my phone and saw that I was using it and I admitted I got distracted and was on my phone after I peed.

Lying is the biggest trigger for her. She went into a state of shock but tried to hold it together as we talked about it for an hour and then came up with a list of punishments for me for lying. I said there shouildn't be punishments and that triggered an hour about how without negative consequences I keep doing severe things that hurt her and throw her into a panicked state for days. Somewhere in here it escalated off of me saying something, she threw my phone and then threw a bunch of food in the kitchen on the floor and kept saying how abusive I was. She ended up crying a lot and going to bed very sad and upset.

I really shouldn't lie....and when I tried to figure out why I lied I feel like I just DARVO'd her saying I was scared of her and blaming her for why I lied even though lying hurts her more than anything I could do. I should have just told her I got distracted and lost track of time on my phone but I guess I was scared as we've fought in the past about me wasting her time and making her wait. I really need help not lying, it comes way too naturally.

I'm also feeling pretty guilty now because I secretly reached out to my brother after 4 years of being cut off from him, he's been confused why I cut him off and I've tried to answer but I feel guilty saying the truth about what's happened especially after messaging him already went behind my wife's back which is already a huge betrayal.

 

[Teasel]

You're absolutely allowed to spend as much time in the loop as you like. To look on the phone as much as you like. To look on the phone in the loo as much as you like. Saying you were in the loo isn't lying. Thefact you also looked at your phone in the loo doesn't make it untrue that you went to the loo. And what the hell is her problem with you doing any of this?

I'm really glad you got in touch with your brother. That's a good thing. Keep in touch with him. Feel free to keep that info from her too. You don't owe her any info on what you do, especially if she talks bullshit about punishing you for simply looking at your phone.

 

[anw81]

Saying you were in the loo isn't lying. Thefact you also looked at your phone in the loo doesn't make it untrue that you went to the loo. And what the hell is her problem with you doing any of this

Her problem wasn't me on my phone. It was that I lied because I denied doing anything else. I said I peed for 10 minutes straight and then just washed my hands and did nothing else. She said peeing doesn't take 10 minutes, are you lying that you didn't do anything else? I could have simply just said I was distracted on my phone and she said that she would have just told me she was waiting and that would have ended. Instead I kept lying instead of just telling her what happened. I had no reason to lie and yet I did.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

That is the quickest DV cycle I have ever heard of. Maybe there is something else wrong as it doesn’t sound like anything I ever experienced or saw practicing law doing many DV cases. I really think the two of you should get some professional help. A few sessions with a marriage counselor might shed some light on the situation. Life is too short to live with that kind of stuff.

 

[anw81]

That is the quickest DV cycle I have ever heard of. Maybe there is something else wrong as it doesn’t sound like anything I ever experienced or saw practicing law doing many DV cases. I really think the two of you should get some professional help. A few sessions with a marriage counselor might shed some light on the situation. Life is too short to live with that kind of stuff.

She hasn't hit me in a while, lately she will just throw food on the floor and maybe a remote or phone or something. She's really trying not to hit me at all now and lets her anger out in other ways. The most she does is grab my face in a panicked state and kiss me while she say's my exes name and talks about how she'll try to act more like her so I'll love her or some crazy things like that.

This is just more of the trigger cycle... I lie or manipulate about once a week and get caught on some small thing and it spirals into this. That's why I keep saying I'm the problem here.

Professional help is out of the question after I texted our first couple's therapist that she gave me a black eye about 4 years ago.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Perhaps individual therapy for your self. It is a really toxic situation and someone is really going to get hurt at some point. This is serious stuff.

 

[Movingforward10]

You lied because she made it unsafe for you to tell the truth. She has twisted her behaviour into you being wrong. And you believe every word because of the insidious nature of coercive control.

The fact you have done a "betrayal" by contacting your brother. She has isolated you. You feel unable to tell your brother the truth. All signs of abuse.

You haven't done anything wrong! I do wish you could see this.

She is a very unsafe person.

I hope you keep speaking to your brother. Keep reaching out on here.

But please also pack a 'grab bag' and hide it somewhere safe. A bag that you grab with some basic things in like, phone charger, money, clothes, passport, whatever important documents etc. in case you need to leave.

Because you do need to leave at some point. And you'll need to find a way to make leaving safe.

 

[anw81]

I feel lost. Reading the replies here has led to me standing up for myself more and talking back to her over the past 2 months. I've ended up saying mean things to her and triggering her a lot more. She keeps telling me that something has changed and she feels I don't love her anymore. I love her, I just want her to love me too and not think the worst of me all the time. Pushing back hard has resulted in her stopping all physical abuse and I see her making more of an effort to control herself but in return I feel like I've gotten meaner and more cold especially when I upset or trigger her.

I don't feel good about myself, I want this to work but I feel like this isn't right now

 

[One step at a time]

Reading the replies here has led to me standing up for myself more and talking back to her over the past 2 months.

When you stand up for yourself, she accuses you of being mean. In fact, she convinces you that you are mean.

But. Actually, standing up for yourself isn’t necessarily mean at all. Standing up for yourself can include saying things like “I don’t like that” and “I need something different, this isn’t working” and “I will not stand here while you do that. I will see you later.” Those are not mean or abusive statements, they are just talking about what you want and need, which is part of healthy relationships.

The problem is that she is still abusing you - just not by hitting you as much.

With professional help, she may change. But it is also highly likely that as you begin to stand up for yourself in healthy ways, she may escalate her abuse. It’s impossible to know for sure what she will do. That uncertainty means you are not safe, right now.

Does individual therapy exist, in person or virtually, where you live?

I love her, I just want her to love me too and not think the worst of me all the time.

That’s very reasonable. But it’s unclear whether it is available to you. It may not be an option.

 

[Movingforward10]

what @One step at a time said