I was nasty today and I need help

[Movingforward10]

If she didn’t want to be friends fine but you can’t pick and choose what boundary to stick to.she knows I’m not well and I’m not very close to her and I know she is a gossip

Maybe she was reading them as she was scared? If you were hasty she may have wondered if you were a danger to her.
Either way, you have no idea why she read them. And her reading them or not has absolutely no bearing on what you decided to do.
You can convince yourself that if she hadn't read them then you wouldn't have continued to text her. But that is making excuses.
You are in total control of what you decide to do. And if you react to her reading them that is still your reaction.
Still your issue. Not hers.

I say this because you were very remorseful at the start of this thread and took responsibility for your actions. And now it seems you are moving away from that.
The only way to change is to own all the difficult bits of yourself and work on them. Otherwise, if you move the responsibility on to her, you won't change and you'll do similar things again.

 

[FMCA]

I understand, I have convinced myself I’m right because it makes it easier for me not to take responsibility for doing it. I was upset enough to ring the crisis line and it’s not the first time I’ve done it.

disappointed and ashamed because i couldn’t control myself and was nasty because she wouldn’t accept my apology. I hadn’t done anything shitty for 4 months.

The more she read, the more frustrated I felt. Other people left and didn’t have any contact with me again.

I let myself down and it was like kicking off because she wouldn’t accept my apology

 

[FMCA]

I think I can’t control myself. I can, I need to learn to control my emotions. Why did I do it after nothing for 4 months?

I reacted the way I did because of shame and feeling inadequate and the fact my behavior last year ruined a friendship . I need to change my core belief system. It’s fundamental

 

[Movingforward10]

I think I can’t control myself. I can, I need to learn to control my emotions. Why did I do it after nothing for 4 months?

Very frustratingly, growth and healing aren't linear. They also aren't final destinations. They are messy hard work.

The great thing is, you had 4 months of not doing it. That shows you a lot.

It's now working on when you are triggered and feeling reactive or shame based etc, how to put in another step to change the negative behaviour.

Learning awareness is the first step. Keeping that awareness in those more difficult moments is key, because then you can change.

 

[FMCA]

Attack other, attack self, avoidance ( me trying to say it was her fault) , withdrawal. Haven’t been out for a week

 

[FMCA]

Attack other because they won’t do as they are told by gaslighting them, attack self because I’ve been a nasty piece of work, avoidance me trying to blame her, withdrawal because I’m guilty and ashamed of what I’ve done.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, it sounds like you understand the cycle. What can help you shift out of it?

 

[FMCA]

@Muttly , I’m not sure . I know it’s when I get frustrated with people like they aren’t listening to me or they don’t understand because no one can see what happened.

@Movingforward10 too

I suppose I need to have the self control to put my phone down and walk away and distract myself but I don’t know how. I don’t have any hobbies but I’m supposed to go and access services which help people like me to give them something to do like hobbies.

I need to find something good enough that it will distract me or help me with my anger

I think going back to CBT soon will also help to fix it. I need to find a way round it. I’d been good for months too.

Sorry didn’t reply earlier I had a lot of thinking to do

 

[FMCA]

I'm just getting angry at other people because my mothers family and my sisters are in total f*cking denial about what happened and tbf they don't even know the true extent of what happened. My mother treated my sisters very differently than me to the point i was left in the hospital alone as far she was concerned, dying and shes up at the hospital with my biological sister panicking because a f*cking baby alarm went off and my sister had her partner with her. I know i'm going off the subject but if i don't get it out here what else can I do. My mother was an abuser just like her sister who held a knife to my cousins throat but its all normalised. Because they are f*cked up.

Ending contact with my mothers family is the best thing to do, I wont contact mys sisters again either until they are ready to hear the f*cking truth. Their choice.

 

[KA60]

I would add this and I must apologize because it is blunt..I was the scapegoat child in my family..No.ome in hindsight site had to be fair to me respect any boundaries etc..People had the right to be emotionally abusive blame me for all my issues raise me in church where I was taught all kinds of spiritual bypassing not listen to my health care providers and psychologist- speech.pathologist I began.seeing
. at age 3 etc..No was charged with stopping lying to me bring manipulative gaslighting me etc..I was and had to become responsible for saying no this will not be tolerated anymore by me

 

[Movingforward10]

We all have a lot to be angry about. Anger is a healthy emotion. It's what we do with that anger and how we act on it that is the issue. Or if we get stuck in it.

It is anger making having others harm you.
It is anger making to have others deny the harm that you experienced.

It's working through that anger to get to a place of acceptance.
Some people move to forgiveness (I'm not one of those people).


But distraction is good.
Awareness that you are getting angry.
And then deciding to do something different.
Maybe CBT will help?
Or maybe deeper therapy to really process that anger and deal with the roote cause of it?

It takes practice to change behaviours. But it is doable.

 

[FMCA]

I know it’s not right to expect people to tolerate my behavior.

I need to get to a place where although I know it’s wrong accept the past.

Im going to go to CBT and hopefully they will refer me to psychotherapy too.

I need to deal with my anger so it doesn’t hurt others

I am feeling better about it all today after ringing the crisis line last night