Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

I am so on edge this morning. There is a darkness at the edge of my vision, I know that flashback is there again. Everything is too close, too loud.

The bird aviaries are really freaking me out, I can't even look at them. The door to the dog kitchen shut behind me while I was readying the feeds, it doesn't normally do that, I dropped the fork I was using and the tin of meat which brought me back to the present as panic set in.

There are too many doors and they all keep shutting. I hate the sound of the latch, the click, it is so loud.

I don't want to be trapped again. I can't handle the dark.

I am finding it hard to speak. I have to really push to get my words out and even then they are quiet, too quiet for my colleague who then moves closer so she can hear which just worries more.

No darkness today. I can't deal with the darkness right now. I need space. Too trapped.

 

[Wyakin]

No rest, no peace. Keep seeing the dark, everything goes black, walls are closing in. Trapped. So tired. Can't handle this.

 

[Wyakin]

I should go to sleep, I am very tired but I really can't seem to settle enough. The dogs are fed up of me and keep dropping hints about going to bed.

This trapped feeling just won't leave and then when it gets worse the edges of my vision start to go black. If I let it the darkness would take my vision and I will be back there, alone in the dark. I hate the dark.

Still I get this weirdness about talking, every time I try it is like my tongue paralyses with fear, something stops me speaking. When I do eventually speak it is quiet and mumbled, short and to the point, often just one word. So frustrating when my mind wants to say more. When I want to talk about it, when I want to explain or answer a question but my body betrays me.

I did manage to say more tonight, remembering details I had tried to forget. I'd like to say I always fought to not end up in the dark but as with everything by the end I seemed to just accept it, there was a token amount of resistance when being dragged to the door but once in there I just shut down waiting for him to let me out, I knew there was no way out and trying to get out just encouraged him to leave me longer. I feel great shame that sometimes even when all he did was let me out to do stuff to me I was relieved to just be out of that place, barely caring what he did to my body as payment for being released.

I hate being trapped, I hate the dark.

 

[Wyakin]

Woke up this morning with my breathing all over the place and it took me a minute or two to calm down enough to take in where I was. I don't know what sparked it.

When I did finally sleep I actually got a few straight hours but I stayed in the living room rather than trying to go in to my bedroom. I had a couple of weird dreams, one of which was just general anxiety about work; I was trying to do my job but I kept coming across rooms I couldn't bring myself to go in and I kept getting in trouble because of it.

I need to get a handle on this, I can't work if I a can't go in to rooms where I risk being shut in. I can't be outside all the time but even sitting here now thinking about it I am starting to panic. I have never had this fear this badly before. I am getting worse every day, the more often I get this flashback the harder everything becomes and because I am thinking about it and getting triggered by being shut in it is coming too often. I am getting moments of darkness where I can't see throughout the day but mostly I am getting this crushing fear of everything closing in around me and that is almost constant. I hear myself sometimes in my head begging to not be put in there, begging him not to hit me, no, not again. I have to put a lot of thought in to not saying these things out loud but sometimes I find myself muttering them.

I just don't know what to do. Sometimes it leaves, last night it came in waves but there were moments when I was talking to my friend and it went away. There were a couple of moments where it wasn't there at all because there were more important things to think about but the minute everything stops it is back. My neighbour was being loud last night and that wouldn't have helped but at least he didn't get mad at his dog.

2 more days of work then three days off including a doctors visit. At least my back isn't troubling me as much today. I have realised I have given up on my today's aim, I think because at the moment my aim is just to get through the day any way I can. Anything more is asking too much.

 

[Wyakin]

So tired, fighting the darkness, stopping the flashback. Every time I go in to a room and the door clicks shut behind me I feel like I am slipping back there. Every time I force myself back, ground myself here but I am so tired.

Reliving this over and over today is too much, I can only fight it off so much. Meanwhile everything around me pushes my anxiety higher.

 

[Wyakin]

Buzzing! A thunderstorm hit and I got really triggered. With the help of my friend I managed to ground successfully. I reached out and she helped so much!

I know why it triggered me, he shut me in the cupboard during storms, he knew how much I dislike loud noises and shut me away. There was a massive storm once and he left me in the cupboard, when I begged to be let out he dragged me to the garden and shut me outside. I was out there for two hours in the pouring rain, I ended up hiding under some bushes near the back fence. I was soaked and terrified.

I had to earn my right to come in, he wanted sex, I did it. Anything to get out of the storm.

 

[Wyakin]

Up at 4am, there are some nightmares it is just not worth trying to go to sleep after. I will take the dogs for a walk in a minute and see if I can clear my head.

One more day at work before three days off. I am on field today, I am trying no to stress about it but I so struggle on there especially when I am tired. My back is still a bit tense but nothing too bad.

I had a couple of nearly flashbacks last night but managed to ground enough to stop them. My friend talked to me throughout on my iPad, the phone pings help to bring me back and then I pretty much went to sleep straight after the last one.

I am already getting myself wound up about the day so I think I will go and take the dogs for a walk now in order to not make myself worse.

 

[Wyakin]

It's there all the time. This memory, constantly lingering, waiting. I just can't get it to leave me alone. Darkness. Trapped.

So tired, it just keeps pushing. It's taking everything in me to not let it take over, my hands want to shake, my heart rate keeps rising, every now and then my eyesight goes dark. In my mind I can hear myself over and over, no please don't, I'm sorry, please not in there, don't put me in there. Then I hear him, shut up bitch, what's wrong? You're not scared of the dark are you?, I'll let you out if you let me in (he always laughed at that), don't make me hit you again, you shouldn't have done that, it's all your fault. Sometimes he didn't speak at all, he just used to drag me and shove me in there then go out leaving me locked in.

I have had several moments where I have been close to breaking this morning, one moment in particular when my mind just shut down in panic. I really need a break. Only a few more hours left.

 

[Wyakin]

He got angry, I ran and hid. I knew I shouldn't but he had been angry all week and I couldn't take anymore. I didn't go far, I was in too much pain from the other injuries. He grabbed me and dragged me out of my hiding place, in to his house, shoving me to the floor in the kitchen and telling me to stay there and shut up. I lay there, I didn't even beg. I just lay there staring in to space. He puts the hob on, I just assume he is making something. He tells me I am going to pay for this.

He grabs my wrist, pulls me to my feet, I realise what he is planning, there is nothing on the hob. I fight then, panic rising, I claw at his hand, I beg. He elbows me in the the face, "Shut up bitch, you shouldn't have run." When he hits me my hand opens, he forces it down on to the hob. I scream but try to stifle it, noise will only make him angrier. He holds it there for a a very short amount of time. Not long enough to leave permanent scars, I told my friends and family I burnt it cooking. He left me afterwards, tells me to stop crying and clean myself up.

Twice today I have had this flashback. My friend came up to my house for lunch and found me towards the end of it. I am tired from it, tired of all of this. I will keep going though, I am determined to be positive, I think. I will try to be positive anyway.

Doctors later and then dinner at Dad's. Must find my mask, it keeps falling apart just lately and I really need to keep it together.

 

[Wyakin]

Doctors went ok, there isn't much she can really do now except adjust medication if needed. She has increased my tablets to help me sleep and wants to see me again after my first appointment with the trauma service.

Popped round Dad's after for dinner. Nothing quite like a home cooked meal. The dogs enjoyed themselves to. It was good to have some family time.

It has been quite an emotional day. My friend opened up to me and trusted me and that feels good. I am pleased that everything that was whirring around in her head is now out in the open. I did cry when she went to leave after lunch. I hate it when she goes. I tried not to but I could feel the flashback pushing and I didn't want to go through it alone. It wasn't fair on her really, she had to go back to work no amount of neediness or upset from me could change that.

I had two more flashbacks in the afternoon, only brief thankfully but my zoning out has been pretty bad. I feel like I am walking through murk. I really don't know how to describe it. Still it has been a good day overall so we're sticking with positives!

 

[Wyakin]

I am beginning to realise I wear my mask like armour. When I am wearing it I am hidden behind it's barrier, shielded from the things around me.

Over the course of the day it takes a battering, a dent here, a split there. Allowing small amounts of harm to come to me.

Sometimes it protects me all day but crumbles the moment I get home. Sometimes it falls to pieces before I am in a safe place. That is when it is worst.

Overnight I repair my armour. In my sleep I tap out the dents. Glue the pieces back together ready for the next day.

Some nights there is just not enough time to fix it all and I must go in to the next day weakened already. It is these days where I struggle the most, where it breaks apart at the slightest of pressure.

Everyday I wear my repaired mask but every night it gets more difficult to fix.

 

[Wyakin]

I'm in the dark again. My hands are tied. I can't remember getting here but I'm not wearing much. The back of my head hurts. I think he went too far this time. There is something sticky there, where the lump is, I think it's blood but it's dark and I can't see.

I strain to hear, is he out there? Can't hear anything over my breathing, must be calm, calm down. Better.

Listen. Nothing. Silence. Wait. Still nothing. Silence.

My head is throbbing but the bleeding seems to have stopped. No idea how long I have been here.

Sound, noise, the front door! Quiet, stay quiet, don't let them hear. Voices, two. One male, one female. His Mum and Dad. I can't let them find me in here, he will be so mad if they find me. Breathe quietly, don't panic, calm, be calm.

His Dad is angry, he slams his keys down, raises his voice. His Mum is begging, pleading, apogising over and over. He hits her, I know he has hit her. I hear his fist on her skin, hear the air escape her lips as she tries to stop her scream. Over and over he hits her, every time she gets quieter, I think she is on the floor now. His footsteps move away and he exits via the front door telling her it was all her fault as he slams it shut behind him.

She is crying, I can hear it, muffled by the door. I crawl forward, place my eye to the gap but it is still dark. I wish I could help her. I wish we could both get away but I daren't let her find me here because she will tell his Dad, his Dad will hurt him, then L will hurt me. I must stay silent. Not let anyone know I am here.

She is moving now, sorting herself out. I push myself to the back, still trying to breathe silently. Hours pass, she cooks dinner, it smells good, I am hungry and cold. L comes back. He barely speaks to her, I can feel his eyes on the cupboard where I am in the dark.

Eventually she goes to bed. The door is opened and he drags me out. Tells me I did well. He frees my hands and kisses me. He is calm now, kind. He asks me if I want a drink. Yes, please. A glass of water.

Then he leads me to his room, I am too tired to care, too relieved to be out of the dark. My head still hurts. He pushes me down on the bed and tells me he wants to reward me. I don't see it as a reward but it is better than the dark. When he is finished I slip out and shower, I wash the blood from my hair, his smell from my skin. I collect my clothes and start walking home. It's 9pm, I was in the dark for almost 4 hours and no one cared.