Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

I have been trying to piece together Saturdays flashback. Last nights new information has helped.

I remember I was in trouble. I'd made him angry again, I think for the second time that day. He'd told me to shut up and sit in the corner.

I think I'd flinched at him when he'd gone to touch me. He hated me doing that but I couldn't help it. So now I was sat in the corner nursing my bruises from earlier. My legs were cramping, they really ached. All I wanted to do was stretch. I held on for as long as I could but I needed to straighten out.

I tried to do it without him seeing, he was pretty absorbed in his games. But he must have seen the movement out of the corner of his eye.

He flew at me, so angry, I curled up and put my hands over my head. I begged him not to hurt me again but he was in one of those moods. He kicked and kicked then he dragged me up and on to his bed. He did what he wanted and I lay there waiting for it to be over. A few more hours and I would be expected at home. He couldn't hold me forever.

 

[Wyakin]

Been too busy this morning to over think too many things. Between rushing a cockatiel to the vets to be put to sleep and phone calls I haven't really had a chance to dwell on things. I'm at my best when I am busy, almost like the old me.

I've stopped for lunch now but I still have a list of things to do this afternoon including taking the cockatiel cage back down and cleaning it :( I had grown quite fond of her and I will miss her cheekiness with the dogs.

Still I am trying not to be negative. Just keep going, I was supposed to see the doctor today but didn't get round to phoning for an appointment. Oh well I will see her next week instead.

 

[Wyakin]

Afternoon was busy as well, busy enough to keep me occupied. A humorous conversation with a friend still has me smiling now. Well in some ways it's humorous and in others it is something I needed to know. It would seem I make noises when I have flashbacks, I knew I called out but apparently the noises are quite loud... I have decided to laugh it off, there is nothing I can do about them, they are part of me and my memory. They aren't good noises, or at least anyone who knows anything about what has happened to me would know they aren't good noises. I am not ashamed, I have survived worst things than a bit of embarrassment!

I have had very few moments of panic today, I think I just didn't have time. I have even felt sad at the loss of the cockatiel I was caring for. She made me realise how much I enjoyed having a friendly bird around the house.

Now I am home but other things are keeping me here, the dogs, conversation with friends. I feel more with it than I have in a long time but at the same time more distant. It's a bit strange...

 

[Wyakin]

Self harm, it is not something I have really talked about but it is something I have done. I resorted to it at the beginning of all of this purely by accident, one day I punched a wall at the beginning of a flashback. I lashed out within the flashback and happened to hit an object. The pain brought me crashing back to reality. It was a shock to say the least but it was also a relief. My hand hurt but at least I was here.

So it spiralled from there until I was cutting, cutting to stop it flooding back. At first it was a relief but at the same time I was ashamed. I hid it. I hid all of it. I didn't even cut that deeply, very restrained but then I slipped one day, sliced to far and with that was it I was caught out.

I didn't know what to do, I denied it and pretended I had just caught myself. Completely plausible in my line of work but no one could see the ones further up my arms. It didn't last though. I apologised but I knew I had hurt people although it would not become apparent by how much until a little later.

I tried to stop that day but I relapsed a few times. I now bare my arms in the day, others see the scars, I don't know whether I care what they think or not. The worst ones are tanning in the sun. My friend says they will fade in time, I almost hope they don't they are my way of screaming to the world I am a troubled soul without ever saying it out loud.

I am not proud, I am ashamed but I know why I did it and I know at the time it was the only way to avoid reliving the worst thing I have ever experienced. I now have better coping strategies and more trust in my support. I still get the urges, when I know a big one is coming. It is all based on fear, I fear being back there but now I also fear hurting people. At the moment hurting people is winning out and I hope it continues that way.

I don't like hurting people, it is one of the reasons I have hidden everything for so long to try to protect those around me but now I am beginning to realise that those around me are just as hurt when I try to hide it as I am.

 

[Wyakin]

Not a great end to the night list night. I got triggered by the TV program I was watching and really struggled. My friend helped but the flashback still came. It was one of my usual ones but this time about number 1. I'm not ready to write about number 1.

I woke up on the sofa around midnight and went to bed properly. I had one nightmare when my legs got tangled up in the blankets and I got panicked. Once I realised where I was and sorted my legs out I was ok. I really hate being restrained or shut in anywhere.

I am on high alert today, I really need to not be, my manager is in and so is the CEO. She isn't here to see me for a change though but she will be around. Today is a day I need to be as normal as possible. We've got a volunteer group up as well. Even just thinking about all of that is sending my anxiety up. Maybe I should have taken today off, I'm already shaking.

I've got Fievel and my Rubik's cube. I will be fine, I'll just keep telling myself that.

 

[Wyakin]

Fell over a fence this morning. Only I could fall over a fence. I have been running on adrenaline since. I haven't hurt myself too much but my wrist is really starting to throb and hurt especially when I move it and my right knee is quite painful. I'm reasonably sure I haven't done anything too stupid...

Mentally I am doing ok but I'm not sure if the pain from my wrist is what keeps bringing me back whenever I start to wander. The report for work has been written by my doctor and I am ok to go over and read it tomorrow. I will be interested to know what they asked.

Friends is struggling today, hate seeing that, I can handle it but I just feel like I want to sit there and make her smile which I'm not allowed to do.

 

[Wyakin]

Something someone said last night sparked this -

My parents once pointed out to me that I had started to slouch and I should try to stand more upright. I had been with him 6 months or so by this point.

One of the reasons I slouched was because of the pain. He mostly hurt me in my ribs and abdomen, easy places to hide the bruises but they made standing straight difficult.

The other reason was deeper. I desperately tried to be invisible but this allowed others to walk all over me. I went from a confident person who would stride through crowds of people, making eye contact and parting them with rarely a bump to the shoulder. To someone who hid on the edge, constantly trying to avoid groups who walked by like they had not even noticed me. I dipped in and out of doorways and gave way to anyone, anything to not cause trouble.

It affected my school work to. No longer answering questions in class, afraid of the repercussions from a wrong one. I became quiet and withdrawn. Few people noticed though, I was no trouble and therefore not obvious in my suffering.

I became terrified of the school bell. It signalled the end of safety in class and I had to travel the gauntlet between one class room or another. If it was lunch time I had to go to where we met or he'd come find me and that was worse than going willingly. After school he would often make me stay in town, claiming I could catch a train later whether I had the money to do so or not. Sometimes I walked the four miles back, fresh bruises pooling on my body making it hard to breath.

He always made me stand near him, in such a way that I couldn't move off without him noticing. I tried to several times when I could already tell he was in a bad mood but I never succeeded and in the end I learnt that I would get hurt either way just slightly less so if I didn't try to run.

A teacher once saw him pin me against the lockers, his hand on my throat, when he realised she was there he moved it to look like it was just resting next to me instead of holding me there. She looked at me but I couldn't make eye contact, he would hurt me more if I did. For a moment she stared but then she moved on. He was more careful after that. She once tried to speak to me about it but I denied it all, I think she knew I was lying but she didn't push it, I really wish she had.

I still avoid people now, sometimes finding myself stopping at a ridiculous distance when someone appears purely out of fear. When I am anxious I tend to walk closer to the walls and fences. I cannot handle meeting people in doorways and I especially don't like going through them first with someone behind me. All these things have reasons, memories attached that taught me why they are necessary. I haven't thought about these for a long time but now they are coming back up and they are getting more difficult to control.

 

[Wyakin]

I feel like I should provide some more information about the 'he' I keep referring to. I will refer to him as L here, I do not like using his full name. I started dating him a few months after the death of my brother, he was the first person who really seemed to treat me like me, not like the girl her found her brother dead. He understood me, he had lost a brother to.

He was a year older than me and so kind. He listened when I talked, he gave me safety from the awful place my home had become. I did not feel at home anymore, I feared walking up the stairs because of the images it caused in my head, reminding me of what I found that day. My Mum and Dad were doing their best to hold it all together but I could see their sadness and part of me always feels like it was my fault they were sad, if I hadn't come home at the time I did maybe it would be different. I know that isn't the case but that is how I felt. My remaining brother was angry, incredibly angry at what my oldest brother had done. He threw himself into work. I saw him when he gave me lifts to school but for the most part he was out with his friends. I was lonely and L filled that void.

L didn't have a very good home life either though but for different reasons, his father was abusive towards his mother. Occasionally he hurt L to but he had stopped as L had got old enough to protect himself. I don't think this excuses him of what he did to me but I do realise that, that is what he was brought up seeing everyday.

As I said everything was good at first but then he started to get more controlling, I saw the flashes of anger if I was late somewhere or didn't do what he wanted. It started off with harsh words said and apologies after, but for some reason the apologies came from me. Sorry I made you angry, sorry I did that, sorry I will not do it again.

Then the day came when he hit me, nothing too much, a slap across the face. He seemed shocked, I certainly was but by that point I had already started to accept everything was my fault. Just turned 15 years old, my first real boyfriend, the only one in the world I felt understood me, I only brought trouble to those around me, it must have been my fault that this kind young man raised his hand to me, I pushed him too far. Again the apologies splurged forth, sorry sorry sorry.

Things got worse from there, the blows more frequent. He started punching me rather than slapping after one slap brought a black eye and questions. At first I would try to run but he would grab my wrist or my hair. Sometimes he'd back me in to a corner or other times he would throw me to the floor, pin me under him and hit me over and over, my only defence to put my hands over my head and beg for forgiveness for my misdemeanours, whatever they may be.

I was a shadow of myself in his presence, constantly trying to appease him and stay out of the way. I began to accept the beatings as an inevitable part of life, I got better at hiding the bruises and pain not to mention lying to my parents.

As I shut myself off from the world it became easier for him to hurt me and take control. The one time I did try to leave he threatened the safety of my friends, I couldn't risk them getting hurt. Things got worse from there.

 

[Wyakin]

Woke up early this morning but I did go to bed early last night so I'm not surprised. I'm half here today. I keep running away in my head. Autopilot keeps taking over. No flashbacks just not here, time lost.

I am still relieved to have my appointment booked but now the nervousness is setting in. I have tried to face this and accept it but some part of me still thinks it's not true. What happened happened and I am just having a bad couple of months and it will all be over soon if I could just smile my way through.

Now though, this will make me face it. I have to accept it. I have PTSD and if I want my life back I have a long road ahead.

 

[Wyakin]

Another flashback, different to the ones before. It is of L, he wasn't always violent when he took me only if it was in anger and even then it was nothing in comparison to what happened to me at my old work. A lot of the time he was caring about it, not enough to listen when I said no or notice that I wasn't enjoying it but he didn't do nearly as much damage in all the times he raped me than they did when they took their turn.

I can feel him on top of me, inside of me, his breath on my skin, he kisses my neck. I lay there as I had learnt to, staring at the wall, I don't even cry any more, maybe this is how it is supposed to be.

He is nearly finished, I can tell, a hitch in his breathing as he speeds up, he kisses me again, whispers something that I don't hear, I close my eyes, no fight left. A final thrust and he is done, he lays down on top of me, panting. He rolls to one side and hugs me, I try to hide the wince where he catches yesterday's bruises. He tells me he loves me, I am so confused, if he loves me why does he do this?

I am too numb to answer and I feel him tense, he tells me to say it, I know what he wants but I can't I have no control over myself, I scream the words in my head desperate to quell his rage before it explodes. He grabs my arm, tightens his grip, "Say it." I splutter the words, "I love you to" and he relaxes and returns to hugging.

He falls asleep but I cannot, fear is all I know, I stare at the wall the same one from earlier. I didn't say no to him so it must be my fault, I don't even fight any more. When he is kind, the boy I first met, I do love him but when his rage takes over or his need I cannot because I feel nothing, numb, empty.

Eventually he rolls away and I slip out to have a shower, they always make me feel better, standing under the warm water, I could stay there forever and still never be clean.

When I am done I go back to his room to get my things, he is awake, he gets up, kisses me and tells me he'll see me tomorrow. I smile and nod, at least for now he is happy.


I am trying to work out why this one came to me today. What triggered it? Was it the shower I took this morning? I remember thinking how often I used to shower at his house and how much the running water helps. It is one of the few memories from later on where we are having sex and I am still there not somewhere else in my head. I kept trying to run away inside but couldn't, I think it was the pain from the bruises that kept bringing me back. I tried all sorts to take my mind off of it but in the end I just gave up and stared at the wall.

I don't know maybe I am analysing too much. It certainly isn't the worst I could have relived today, maybe I should just be grateful for that.

 

[Wyakin]

He's angry, so angry. I don't know what I have done but he is mad. I try to run but he grabs me, I fight and struggle but he is too strong. He shoves me in to the cupboard under the stairs, I hate it in here, dark, trapped. I claw at the door trying to get out but he has locked it. He tells me to shut up. I stop, too afraid to keep fighting.

I cannot see my hand in front of my face, panic sets in, I concentrate on my breathing, it is too fast, I have to slow it down or I will pass out. I am crying, I can't help it, he yells again, I quieten to a whimper. My breathing is still too fast.

Eventually it is unlocked, the door opens, too bright, noises too loud. Must stay quiet, not upset him again. No words. Silence is safe.

 

[Wyakin]

Rubbish nights sleep, my brain was in overdrive. I ended up staying up and solving my 5x5 Rubik's cube. That allowed me to sleep after but I kept waking up. I ended up in the living room on the sofa, it helped me to sleep but it hasn't done my back any good after injuring it yesterday.

On alert today. Struggling to bring myself to go to my bedroom and get changed because there is only one way out. I need to just go but I can't. It's a big room, it's really not small but I feel like everything is closing on me.

Got to get ready for work.