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Im thinking of that movie with Jim Carey where he's in a little boy memory or something but grown up body and hes under his kitchen table and wants his mom's attention. I think it's Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I like that one. Anyway..sometimes i feel i want attentionbut tend to...

I was always called by my middle name my whole life..never by the first...so all my legal stuff was already with my new name that had never been used...so that was lucky for me.

I was lucky to be able to switch to another name on my bc..so it didnt cost anything

Thanks everyone :) The truth is i like my name i had all my life..i just left it because it reminds me of painful stuff..

@ekane thanks :) I guess i just dont want them to know why i changed my name.. But you are so right

@Radise thanks..i guess it just makes me feel bad..or sad..idk. maybe ashamed..i dont even really know..one day i just changed it...

@Lizio thanks for sharing. Sometimes i think i need to remember that name i hate..even though i want to pretend it was never there...

Just wondering if there are any survivors that cant stand to hear their name.. I changed mine which is easy for anyone new i meet. But old family and friends are hard...they call me old name and if i send them a card i cant sign old name or new one...when i hear my old name i cringe...

@WillyKat thanks for those suggestions :)

Thanks @FridayJones :)

@Nam..that is beautiful :) thanks so much for sharing that. @Dana1010 you are right, this im sure is about the abuse from early childhood. I'm trying to learn all these new things like compassion for self but still struggling some.. @TonyG i assume this is something from being abused in early...

@richter scale thanks :) Im trying to feel better... Hard being in a relationship or a mom if you dont feel worthy..or love for yourself

Or like yourself? Or have compassion for yourself? Does it get easier to do? Have any of you overcome this?

Wrapped up in a blanket and crocheted. Let the house be dirty....

Preparation

I have been in a restless state at night..worse than my usual insomnia where im always the last one awake and i read or watch tv for hours by myself..or when im doing bad when im up all night crying. The restless syate i fall into when im maxed out tired but cant sleep. Ots a horrible feeling...

It will get better, dont spend so much time at home. Get out more. Have some fun. Get over it. Have a beer, take it easy, calm down.....

Thanks fridayjones... I dont even know what is the hardest thing im dealing with right now... Probably the fear and stress of any chance of a social interaction. I cant hide what im foing through..so i cant really. fake it and it vomits off and out of me. and i cant take having to interact...

I also forgot to say that the person can be a million miles away or live right next door. They can cross my boundries by not taking no for an anwer..or by just being too persistent and in my personal space too much. It can be someone i know or a stranger..its terrorizing for me...

I have not felt quite like that..that must be so hard for you. When my boundries are crossed ( mostly by persistent people that dont take no for an answer) i develop a fear of that person. So bad that everyday for months i will worry about that person coming over, calling or running into that...

@sun seeker ..thanks, i dont mind at all, i appreciate your post as well...i will take all the advice, help, opinions, facts, suggestions i can get at this point and just try my best to make something or anything work..

@Solara. Thank you..i was in therapy for a year and my T opened a pandoras box then didnt know what to do with me. Its was horrible. I want someone experienced with trauma this time @StellaBlue i do agree with you and @Saetva that that first i should manage my symptoms .. Thank you...

@Saetva Thanks..i do feel my pandoras box got opened too soon, too fast and i didnt know how to deal with things and after a year of therapy im looking for a new T and hoping this time is better.

Thanks casey_03 I do have both of Pete Walkers books, the Tao of fully feeling and Complex PTSD..they are great books and i have been wanting to read them again. I remember when i was in therapy and reading his books it was a better time for me. My partner is supportive and im really thankful...

@Solara, thank you. I hope i find a good T soon.. i have been looking but no match yet...