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Hugs for you, if it's okay. Thinking of you and sending restful, calm, and peaceinducing gibes your way.

It is certainly a tell that my first thing after leaving the psycho office was to drive to my next errand and then email my therapist with my initial not-quite-coherant depressed emoting. It's also kinda warm and fuzzy that he emailed me back twenty minutes later. I haven't responded to him...

Posting online feels safer than saying anything out in real life. Sure, it's not perfect anonymity, but it's still not all up in my face in person, driving down my street and knocking on my door, etc. On a forum I used to haunt quite regularly, there's a phrase that a lot of people use. Don't...

I get these, but they're more of a tension-induced migraine than a migraine. When something big is coming, my head gets worse and worse, and the harder I fight the memories and flashbacks the more my head hurts. I can't think, my eyes start to blur, there's an icepick ramming through one eye and...

This morning I saw the psychiatrist. I've been trying to give him the real answers, as opposed to the right answers- the answers that let us all tick off the little boxes that say, stable, well-managed, cautiously optimistic about the future. It's hard to give the real answers. It's hard when...

Dd is my dear daughter. (Ds would be dear son). She is going to be 9 in a few weeks! -I'm pretty happy about that. She was a preemie,, had some sensory processing issues as a baby, among other things, and it's only in the past three years that she started talking and really progressing...

When this happens, for me, I will just dissociate it out of my awareness. Like, the Tv is there but I tune out of it completely. It takes practice. Kind of like when my autistic dd throws certain types of tantrum fits. Keep her safe but mentally remove myself from the situation. That helps me...

theme song : "My Immortal" Evanescence I'm calling up in my memory all the details. Slowly. Sitting in the waves of panic and of scared, and I'm waiting until they pass over me, One tiny fragment at a time. One piece of the puzzle. I don't know how many pieces this puzzle has. I know where...

The pill was good for me, mostly, but they aren't all created equal. I think that it might be a good option. obgyn docs are often very sensitive to women who have major fears and anxieties, just be upfront with them that you have the fear. (for me it was a history of sexual abuse) at the very...

I found that my emotions went totally apeshit for the 36 hours just before I ovulate. When my husband deployed the first time I got a handle on it, because I went back one day and saw the email trail. twenty of them, in varying degrees of crazy. As far as symptom levels, I found that after many...

Thank you. I appreciate that. It did get better for us, tons, which is not always the case. We got a miracle, though. She makes such considerable progress.

I find it reassuring to know that too. One thing that always throws me for a loop is that I tend to look at stuff from underneath. One recent example, my therapist was empathesizing, saying that it must have been difficult and scary to watch my daughter after she had eaten wild mushrooms at...

Eighteen months ago I didn't believe any of this to be true. It probably cost my marriage. At the least of it, it will never be what it was. Today I feel as though I'm crawling uphill on broken glass. I need to cry but I cant figure out how to release it, so I'm doing the next best thing...

I didn't work on this piece of writing after all this afternoon, but I did an interesting thing of I Believe statements on my trauma diary, if anyone wants to get a chuckle. I hope others find it as funny as I do (funny, as in it's true, even though it hurts.) I'm not actually sure how I mean...

In the spirit of Blue Collar Comedy's I Believe, I offer up these statements. I tried for funny but true, but it turned into a big sadness in me by the end, putting some of these moments into words. Short, clear statements, and I hope I managed to put them more as a statement of strength? Than...

I second -third? -fourth? don't be afraid to try another therapist. And another after that. Until you find one you can feel comfortable with. Therapists are people too, by which I mean that sometimes? People just don't click. Personality, sense of humor, general attitude... It's okay to not...

Putting my feet flat on the floor works for me. Plenty of long, deep breaths, with intentionally breathing out the startle/reflex/panic that I feel. A lot of the time it comes out as some wierd whimper, sometimes a sob, and I get awfully embarassed if anyone hears me do it.

Which I reminded him of, when I was started to not edit before sending those super-long, rambling, emails. Especially when I talked through some of my cutting issues. Graphically. And followed them before and after by long, mega-depressive stuff. He promised he wouldn't overreact to me. So far...

You know, I did. But that was several technology and computers ago. 3 1/2" disks. Oy. As I'm posting from my phone... My therapist joked a few weeks back that i would be mailing thirty handwritten pages every day if email hadn't come along! Good thought though. I will comb back through my hard...

I have been writing him lots of emails on the greater whole of stuff. I actually walked in last week and opened with the original trauma/original sin question; he knows the outline of my history and I'm sure that a at this point he won't judge me (still fear that, it's not a rational fear...

I want to just go in and DO. I don't want to be awake in the middle of the night replaying this over and over again until next session. I want to erase it altogether. As bad as the emotional waves is that for the first time I'm also acknowledging that it didn't happen when I was three...

After I closed up he offered that the thing I was looking for was "bad". It was a bad thing and hurt me a lot and very deeply. That was a good thing to hear. So while he may know perfectly well already, he wont put the words into my mouth before I'm ready. I still want to get it over with.

I think the hardest thing is that I dealt with this before. At length. I did years of working just on this and I could talk about it freely for fifteen years without a tremor. Its just since the emotional flashbakcs started that I suddenly cant deal. The shift from viewing it as something that...

Last week in session I was getting so close to telling my therapist the whole thingthat I'm currently struggling with. So close... until my throat closed up and I couldn't do it. I'm still beating myself up over it. I replay the conversation up to that moment, over and over, and I'm second...

My thoughts turn back to my mom, about who I thought she was not being accurate. My emotions are just shutting down from overload. It's all just a bit much. I don't even know why I'm posting. Want the flashback gone. Want my misery and guilt gone. Want my pain gone. Under it all I think I want...