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@JackRJN - you just prompted me to remember a few years ago, when I had very gory and violent dreams about...dismantling...perpetrators. I housed them under "justice" but maybe there's more to it. I think what bugs me the most is not so much that "I" as an individual was wronged, but that a...

@JackRJN - that's interesting. Do you think there's a difference between revenge and justice? I seem to be devoid of revenge-urges (although it's quite possible that they're there, just very repressed) but the justice-urge is all consuming. To put it mildly. I think a lot about what justice...

@FridayJones I'm going to hold on tightly to that thought. It's been impossible for me to practice towards myself what I spent 35 years doing for others, mostly strangers - advocacy, empathy, intervention, tenderness, kindness, needs-meeting, crisis management, and huge amounts of unconditional...

@FridayJones I'm going to hold on tightly to that thought. It's been impossible for me to practice towards myself what I spent 35 years doing for others, mostly strangers - advocacy, empathy, intervention, tenderness, kindness, needs-meeting, crisis management, and huge amounts of unconditional...

@Changeling - right back atcha! and I *love* the concept of ME versus little me.

p.s. it's just so interesting that this is all coming out of my un/subconsciousness. I've been rather distrustful of those parts of my mind for so long as the keepers of the horrors...they feel a bit more friendly now. more like partners than adversaries.

That's really great to hear, @Changeling. I just talked to my Somatic Experiencing therapist on the phone quickly and I've never heard a happier therapist in my life. Reassuring. She seems to think it's very good, because a new narrative of empowerment and self-esteem is being simultaneously...

Hello lovely people - thoughts on this? I'm on day 6 of "justice" dreams/nightmares where various severe traumas are replayed in detail but in which I (out loud, usually yelling, waking my partner) successfully confront the perpetrator, fight him off, prevent the abuse, speak my mind, the police...

ps I took @shimmerz advice and ordered Doidge - I just took a gamble on "the brain's way of healing" which appears to be the second book. It constantly short-hand references (with little asterixes) concepts that are discussed in more detail his first book, which is frustrating to me for obvious...

@tontoe Definitely not too little too late! Not at all. I think that too is a universal concern, regardless of our respective ages...there's never a good time to do this work, but then again any time is a good time to do this work. Another of those quirks to this process, I suppose :-/ I...

"I think there are many of us high-functioning folks who looked like (and believed) we had it all together until crashing in our 40's, 50's and beyond." Yeah, the age thing is peculiar...times are changing, too - there were zero resources of any kind available for me in, say, 1983, when the...

HOORAY! And even mixed emotions about your emotions is a new emotional capacity. So even extra congratulations.

wow. thanks. I"ve been struggling with how much to tell my non-inner-circle friends about what's going on with me. I don't want to add my burdens to them, but I also want them to know that I always decline their invitations because of my current process and situation, not because I don't adore...

It is perfectly familiar to me - on another thread people who connect to a shamanic tradition consider this to be quite normal part of healing, and a good sign of reconnection. Some of us can visualize or see things in a more tangible way than others, but it's only in the traditional...

sounds to me like early indications of anxiety, as your body prepares for stress with fight or flight arousal. If you were to describe it to someone, it would be the early indications of anxiety response building in your body and psyche...There are the classic advanced severe panic attacks (hot...

well it sounds like most of your stretching into risk has been rewarding, so this is a wobble and will pass. My two cents. It's always surprising to me how many parts of oneself have to be tended to in this work, and it's very easy to have a day where some of that tending doesn't happen, or we...

ps In regards to "how this can be fixed" - I would concur with Kona that it is a process, and takes work of many different kinds. At first I thought I could manage it on my own, then decided that I needed to learn tools to heal from the trauma - I look back and think that how I started wasn't...

It's definitely a part of PTSD. I was just about to make a similar post when I saw yours - I'm in a similar situation in terms of needing to stay very close to my safety support system right now (my partner and my apartment), whereas I used to recently be immensely independent and...

p.s. I thought I had the stomach flu the other day and my partner pointed out maybe I was just full because I'd made myself eat three full meals. Turns out of course that was it. So bizarre. Almost funny. But definitely bizarre. But also kind of funny.

"But where I have pain, it becomes intolerable. So it's interesting my meltdowns relate to only certain kinds of pain (back pain and cramps). I could break my arm and maybe just laugh about it." Ok, THIS is another a-hah moment. My menstrual cycle has gone completely batshit since all this...

Yeah, I have a lot of regret that I wasn't diagnosed and treated decades ago, in part because I chose a 20 year career in a line of work that radically advanced its severity. On the other hand, twenty years ago there wasn't as much knowledge and support like this forum and SE and alternative...

Oh wow, Chava, this is so illuminating. Thanks for all the tips. I think I'm actually just newly aware of chronic pain that I didn't consciously register before in my brain, and if I did, it never ever occurred to me that my body-brain-emotional needs could be addressed. (Interesting you mention...

Shimmerz - I just ordered Norman Doidge's book. I don't actually have any SE or PTSD books or read them for the same reason - I cannot withstand hearing other peoples' "example" trauma stories right now...I get overwhelmed by empathy and my own pain compounds. Doidge's book sounds perfect. I...

Chava - thanks for the insights around pain, and armor. I feel actual armor and wounds on my body that are surprising. I'm wondering if you have ideas for what happens when one gets in a fear place around the pain? Maybe it's just me, but sometimes when the physical pain comes up it feels so...

I'm printing this out. You are so helpful. This normalizes so much that I've been experiencing and finding distressing. If there are any books you found to be particularly helpful, I'd appreciate it. I am so confused by the reinvention of self - I'm coming to realize THAT process of change is...